- 15% of laybies are owned by the Church of the Discarded Sporran. It is thought to be an error relating to Church plans to buy up ley lines.
- The Space Research Institute says strange lights in the sky over Catford Sidings are fireflies which have gained access to a trampoline.
- In a radical solution to the third runway controversy, Harumph airport is to be closed entirely to make way for a railway station.
- Researchers at the Tobbit Spanworth Institute say there may never be a cure for cyclism but its effects can be mitigated by stealing saddles.
- People who wear cats as hats have been asked to stay away from the Ponsea Regatta after last year's fur ball fiasco.
- For structural reasons, the 951 foot Catford Sidings 'tower of custard' will have to be built from shoe boxes the planning office says.
- The citizens of Dagenham Ditches have voted 55% to 42% in favour of suet over ladders. The German government has refused to comment.
- The chemical similarity between jam and plastic may have contributed to the great traffic cone factory fire of 1974, new research shows.
- Consultancy firm BB Gunn Misfire Eyebrow Loss has banned use of the phrase "primordial soup" for fear of offending soup lovers.
- If you're worried about tomorrow morning's toast, don't be. It will be fine.
10 ways to improve your life
Ten ways to improve your life than you may have missed (a round up from the Nonsense Twitterstream):
City votes on same socks marriage
US city Norlgat Carpetsalsa is voting tonight on legalising same socks marriage despite fervent opposition from some quarters.
It's the thin end of the wedge, said Senator Barking Fruitilli. If we allow people to marry wearing the same socks, what next? They'll want marching cardigans; sweatshirts where the text is only readable when they stand close together; shell suits of the same colour.
But others say it is about time same socks marriage was celebrated.
So what if a couple wants to get married wearing the same socks? asked Rev Fatswallah P Dinglebutt. It means they have to stand very close together: that's romantic. I can't see what the objection is.
It's the thin end of the wedge, said Senator Barking Fruitilli. If we allow people to marry wearing the same socks, what next? They'll want marching cardigans; sweatshirts where the text is only readable when they stand close together; shell suits of the same colour.
But others say it is about time same socks marriage was celebrated.
So what if a couple wants to get married wearing the same socks? asked Rev Fatswallah P Dinglebutt. It means they have to stand very close together: that's romantic. I can't see what the objection is.
F1 driver wins marathon
The London Marathon has been won by Sebastian Vettel in his Formula 1 racing car.
Although technically it is cheating to use a 700 horse power motor vehicle in a running race, it turns out F1 drivers can do whatever they like.
Although technically it is cheating to use a 700 horse power motor vehicle in a running race, it turns out F1 drivers can do whatever they like.
Minor upset in French election
Les Balivernes party has scored its biggest ever success in the French Presidential election taking almost 0.000003% of the popular vote.
It is a very proud day for Les Balivernes, said party leader M Jacques Sottise. We have been presenting our policies for many years hoping beyond hope to capture the imagination of the French people. This is the first time we have recorded even one vote.
Late update: a recount has decided that Les Balivernes' one vote was, in fact, a spoiled ballot paper. The party's revised share of the vote was 0.0%.
It is a very proud day for Les Balivernes, said party leader M Jacques Sottise. We have been presenting our policies for many years hoping beyond hope to capture the imagination of the French people. This is the first time we have recorded even one vote.
Late update: a recount has decided that Les Balivernes' one vote was, in fact, a spoiled ballot paper. The party's revised share of the vote was 0.0%.
Play nonsense bingo online
Collect your bingo card here and watch for the numbers on Twitter and win prizes, prizes, prizes*
*Note: the prize for winning this first bingo competition is knowledge of a job well done.
*Note: the prize for winning this first bingo competition is knowledge of a job well done.
Store staff get bizarre rights
A new law allows DIY store staff to enter people's homes uninvited with large cheeses shouting bratwurst, where's the bratwurst?
The law was originally intended to encourage people to make green improvements but was so badly drafted that it has given DIY store staff a range of bizarre rights over ordinary householders.
Obviously, it is unfortunate, said Primo Stalefudge, head of government legal services, but we don't believe it will be a major issue, because only a very few DIY store staff are likely to want to exercise these new rights.
The law was fast-tracked through parliament and no-one, apparently, noticed the section on provisions for DIY store staff.
Many stores are reporting an surge in job applications as news of the new law spreads.
Other rights for DIY store staff introduced by the new law include:
The law was originally intended to encourage people to make green improvements but was so badly drafted that it has given DIY store staff a range of bizarre rights over ordinary householders.
Obviously, it is unfortunate, said Primo Stalefudge, head of government legal services, but we don't believe it will be a major issue, because only a very few DIY store staff are likely to want to exercise these new rights.
The law was fast-tracked through parliament and no-one, apparently, noticed the section on provisions for DIY store staff.
Many stores are reporting an surge in job applications as news of the new law spreads.
Other rights for DIY store staff introduced by the new law include:
- The right to herd pigs through Battersea Power Station
- The right to wear pantaloons made from spaghetti on the third Tuesday in February
- The right to seize people's mobile phones and grind them automatically into a paste
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