7 heart-warming stories that will make you want to become a dirigible

Japanese donkeys predict the end of the earth as we are already up to Generation Z and there are no letters left for future generations.

Scientists analysing data from the planet Spanner say it is incapable of sustaining human life but it would be ideal for servicing scooters.

Face-tracking technology means sales of the NonsensophoneY are expected to be brisk among people anxious to keep track of their face.

Scientists at the University of Quack Theories have edited human DNA and come up with a bloke called DAN.

An extremely loud bassoon has been found responsible for unexpected speed bumps outside Flumford Philharmonic Orchestra's practice hall.

Thurg School in Prong has sent kids home for wearing nonsense instead of trousers 'We care more about uniforms than education,' the head said.

Villagers on the island of Lesbos have denied causing hurricanes although they have been spotted gathering and blowing in the same direction.

Jaffa Cakes cause rift in cathedral time

The great clock at Willful Cathedral will need to be recalibrated after McVities announced it is reducing the number of Jaffa Cakes in a packet to 10.

For more then 800 years, the Willful Cathedral clock has used the Bishop of Splume's incredibly regular hourly consumption of Jaffa Cakes to tell time. Now the Bishop will run out of the tasty snack at 10 o'clock each day and the passage of time will remain unmarked.

It's not clear at this stage whether the Willful Cathedral clock will switch to a system other than Jaffa Cake consumption, or change to a 10 hour day. The Cathedral authorities say they are looking into the matter over a cup of tea and a bourbon.

Tumble drier strike enters 7th week

Unions say the two-day tumble drier strike earlier this week had a significant effect on the fluffiness of towels in the Pewford Ponds area. They claim up to 50% of towels were more than 5% less fluffy.

Our strikes are bringing home to the public how vital our service is, said Targ Mahal, leader of DRY, the tumble drier union.

Meanwhile, management is claiming that only 1 in 6 towels remains damp as a result of this week's strike and that sock loss has fallen significantly.

We're baffled as to what this continuing dispute is about, said Barf Mahandtowel of the tumble drier users' group Drierio. Both sides should work to resolve the dispute quickly so people can go back to normal levels of fluffiness.


From SocialNonsense:

Mrs Tharg of Lint Jammin says she is unaffected by the tumble drier strike as she hangs her smalls in the garden where they also scare crows.

Bean Tomz tells us he was stuck in his utiiity room for 45 minutes this evening waiting for a towel to become dry enough for use.

Eunice Pewness of Woolis Rudeness writes to say she has discovered naked bodies dry faster than damp towels. Take that tumble drier unions!

Fake station alert

South Erst Trains reports delays after hackers built a fake station at Pewford Ponds. Travel is unlikely as the trains are made of cheese.

If you are unsure whether you are travelling from a fake railway station, experts advise checking whether there are tracks coming out of it and if these tracks are made of conventional metal or cheese straws.

British Transport Police say it's very difficult to stop hackers building fake railway stations as you have to spot the delivery of large quantities of building materials some of which are foodstuffs.

South Erst Trains has rushed out a map showing all currently known fake stations. Passengers should avoid these as they are made of cheese and do not allow travel to any other destinations, despite appearing to be very convincing railway stations.

The current status of fake stations

Record already broken

Barl Quarlmaral has set off to become the first man to cross the Channel on a baked bean tin, not knowing this was already achieved in 1947 by a housewife from Dingly Twettings.

Friends of the explorer say they became aware his latest mission to cross the Channel was a waste of time but didn't like to say anything in case he became disappointed. Mr Quarlmaral has failed in six previous bean-related record attempts.

From SocialNonsense:

Mrs Tharg of Grim Outwardly says she frequently takes a bean tin to the swimming baths but has never thought of going as far as France.

Bean Tomz of Stretching Credulity tells us he once planned to attach a jet engine to a bean tin but gave up on the idea because it was mad.

Eunice Pewness of Clueless Woodlice says she thinks it would be more appropriate to cross the Channel on a tin of peas. What can we say, Eunice?

Top 5 ways to survive the Trump administration

Climate deniers have rejected claims that some ovens are almost 200C hotter than they were this time yesterday.

A company that made experimental trains entirely of paper has folded. MD Bargma Furmpting blamed inclement sidings in the Pewford Ponds area.

Newspapers are firmly rejecting the idea that readers could return unacceptable news saying they don't have the recycling facilities. No wait. That can't be right...

Wideleigh Harlank is expected to take a comfortable win against Miffuanian challenger Vlat Splat in this weekend's blancmange hurling.

Atlantic/Pacific transport havoc was caused this week when a new un-untie-able knot was tested on string strung across the Panama Canal.

Due to a specification error, South Erst Trains new platforms are 10 carriages high but only 4cm  long. Passengers are advised to try lying down on top of one another. 

Top ten answers to everything

  1. Teens in Wackfactor Natwack have used a 3D printer to print a printer. The printer they have printed will be used to print more printers.
  2. Some zebras are sporting horizontal stripes this season claiming they are slimming. This has sparked road-safety fears.
  3. Pillar boxes in Catford Sidings are to be painted yellow and bent slightly as part of the celebrations for British Banana Week.
  4. Parts of Wales are under several feet of rock tonight after being declared "hilly". Ancient geological activity is being blamed.
  5. More than 82.4% of zigs are followed by a zag, research by the Institute of Things has revealed. No-one knows why.
  6. Plans to make cheese rolling safer by replacing the cheese with howitzers have been branded as lunacy by Gloucester police.
  7. Airlines are to improve the flavour of tea at altitude by adding sponge fingers. This will also make the tea safer during turbulence.
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