The US primaries explained

Things are tense in the US primaries, a system of random voting that America uses to decide who is unsuitable to be president when they have proper elections in November.

Viewed from undemocratic Catford Sidings, the system looks very confusing but actually it's quite simple.

The current president, Mr Obamarama scored 85% in a northern territory of American called New Hampshire. Confusingly,  Mr Obamarama was unopposed, leading one to wonder what happened to that other 15%. New Hampshire is nowhere near Hampshire. 

Although Mr Obamarama was unopposed, there were five other candidates. These people are called Republicans because they believe the Queen should no longer be in charge of America. Some people also call them losers. This is because Mr Obamarama is unopposed. 

Mr Obamarama is called a Democrat because he got most of the votes and so he is very keen on democracy. However, he must be wondering about that 15%.

New Hampshire votes second because it is the newest, most hampshirey state. Iowa votes first because New Hampshire owes it money.

Mr Obamarama won 100% in Iowa making him really really democratic. None of the Republicans had primaries in Iowa. Instead they went to the Caucasus, a mountainous area near Russia. They go there to find out about an election technique called vote-rigging which is very popular in the Caucasus.

All the other US States have primaries but these don't count for very much. New Hampshire and Iowa are the important ones. Then one Tuesday they have pancakes and lots of balloons. This is called super-Tuesday for obvious reasons.

We trust this makes things clear. 
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