tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25724893028937682872024-03-14T08:11:19.197-07:00New International Journal of NonsenseUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-55780557766806280482020-02-13T13:20:00.000-08:002020-02-16T03:39:07.504-08:00Mattress futon riots silenced by padding<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyhRUrOTmvtP7pk5CpEF_nH8Z2nEVl6FfVG5X1YQuzuJUJFaQkDQeWso3e8VJ9hteupndSuqLo-5AmCF8Ht5GtLAMdJxTDRX1iHJmaLQhh2BKRWT0mG4P8IH2Zjituun6EzTKi-FvpqYTy/s1600/randy-colas-T1u5YP4blL4-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyhRUrOTmvtP7pk5CpEF_nH8Z2nEVl6FfVG5X1YQuzuJUJFaQkDQeWso3e8VJ9hteupndSuqLo-5AmCF8Ht5GtLAMdJxTDRX1iHJmaLQhh2BKRWT0mG4P8IH2Zjituun6EzTKi-FvpqYTy/s400/randy-colas-T1u5YP4blL4-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />Pro-mattress protestors clashed violently with futonists in the centre of Catford Sidings this afternoon.<br /><br />No-one was hurt owing to all the padding. Some mattresses were singed slightly when a birthday cake was thrown, candles alight. One man was taken to hospital for precautionary tests after carrying a futon for three miles. He was reported as feeling "tired".<br /><br />Police say the town centre has returned to normality, despite the fact it has been nowhere near normal since the 1957 fudge wars.<br /><br /><div class="_3bJ2H CHExY"><div class="_1l8RX _1ByhS"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@randycolasbe?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Randy Colas</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/riot?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-43554044354410903522017-08-16T10:33:00.000-07:002020-02-16T03:39:08.602-08:00Tumble drier strike enters 7th week<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEE2X_bQzkVoyj8RFUu3pmwPo1Frf0rFbWMkIkOffPw4bY3bFC-lRGQwdWW6b99K8LwiFxo9DuZK6_J1YsStYM6nQCs3RJZCJeGaYuFo1NsszVIEv8WefwHRCXg-SYqNFjI8A49kunkXX-/s1600/the-creative-exchange-OVcOQIJYqPA-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1286" data-original-width="1600" height="321" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEE2X_bQzkVoyj8RFUu3pmwPo1Frf0rFbWMkIkOffPw4bY3bFC-lRGQwdWW6b99K8LwiFxo9DuZK6_J1YsStYM6nQCs3RJZCJeGaYuFo1NsszVIEv8WefwHRCXg-SYqNFjI8A49kunkXX-/s400/the-creative-exchange-OVcOQIJYqPA-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br />Unions say the two-day tumble drier strike earlier this week had a significant effect on the fluffiness of towels in the Pewford Ponds area. They claim up to 50% of towels were more than 5% less fluffy.<br /><br /><i>Our strikes are bringing home to the public how vital our service is,</i> said Targ Mahal, leader of DRY, the tumble drier union. <br /><br />Meanwhile, management is claiming that only 1 in 6 towels remains damp as a result of this week's strike and that sock loss has fallen significantly.<br /><br /><i>We're baffled as to what this continuing dispute is about</i>, said Barf Mahandtowel of the tumble drier users' group Drierio. <i>Both sides should work to resolve the dispute quickly so people can go back to normal levels of fluffiness.</i><br /><br /><br /><b>From SocialNonsense:</b><br /><br />Mrs Tharg of Lint Jammin says she is unaffected by the tumble drier strike as she hangs her smalls in the garden where they also scare crows.<br /><br />Bean Tomz tells us he was stuck in his utiiity room for 45 minutes this evening waiting for a towel to become dry enough for use.<br /><br />Eunice Pewness of Woolis Rudeness writes to say she has discovered naked bodies dry faster than damp towels. Take that tumble drier unions!<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size: x-small;">Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@creativeexchange?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">The Creative Exchange</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/towels?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span> Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-30493682863950361402017-08-15T16:16:00.000-07:002020-02-16T03:39:08.969-08:00Fake station alertSouth Erst Trains reports delays after hackers built a fake station at Pewford Ponds. Travel is unlikely as the trains are made of cheese.<br /><br /> If you are unsure whether you are travelling from a fake railway station, experts advise checking whether there are tracks coming out of it and if these tracks are made of conventional metal or cheese straws. <br /><br /> British Transport Police say it's very difficult to stop hackers building fake railway stations as you have to spot the delivery of large quantities of building materials some of which are foodstuffs.<br /><br />South Erst Trains has rushed out a map showing all currently known fake stations. Passengers should avoid these as they are made of cheese and do not allow travel to any other destinations, despite appearing to be very convincing railway stations.<br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EI6B7FKK450/WZOAewFaecI/AAAAAAAAGzA/iPoP2pjG6rEgsVIfl6OUiBCCKW3wyTprQCLcBGAs/s1600/south-erst-trains-fake-stations.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1139" data-original-width="1600" height="283" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EI6B7FKK450/WZOAewFaecI/AAAAAAAAGzA/iPoP2pjG6rEgsVIfl6OUiBCCKW3wyTprQCLcBGAs/s400/south-erst-trains-fake-stations.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The current status of fake stations</td></tr></tbody></table><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-31260022780279054262017-03-10T07:58:00.000-08:002020-02-16T03:39:09.698-08:00Top 5 ways to survive the Trump administration<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh30zsfU9KKrOVzSZbXL1pL6E-Lnj5U4kjVVFxy0xC-3OVK4vP8UYeMzOIt_fpYVn7e_pa9DbH4YPSdViZLXuSF64DZ1t7TSeb4-heiOpJRCZaiE2PfApoChhGc5F3-S8uWU8rGoc1LoCjG/s1600/hello-i-m-nik-vbFC9BCo95M-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1072" data-original-width="1600" height="267" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh30zsfU9KKrOVzSZbXL1pL6E-Lnj5U4kjVVFxy0xC-3OVK4vP8UYeMzOIt_fpYVn7e_pa9DbH4YPSdViZLXuSF64DZ1t7TSeb4-heiOpJRCZaiE2PfApoChhGc5F3-S8uWU8rGoc1LoCjG/s400/hello-i-m-nik-vbFC9BCo95M-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /> <br />Climate deniers have rejected claims that some ovens are almost 200C hotter than they were this time yesterday.<br /><div><br /></div><div>A company that made experimental trains entirely of paper has folded. MD Bargma Furmpting blamed inclement sidings in the Pewford Ponds area.</div><div><br /></div><div>Newspapers are firmly rejecting the idea that readers could return unacceptable news saying they don't have the recycling facilities. No wait. That can't be right...</div><div><br /></div><div>Wideleigh Harlank is expected to take a comfortable win against Miffuanian challenger Vlat Splat in this weekend's blancmange hurling.</div><div><br /></div><div>Atlantic/Pacific transport havoc was caused this week when a new un-untie-able knot was tested on string strung across the Panama Canal.</div><div><br /></div><div>Due to a specification error, South Erst Trains new platforms are 10 carriages high but only 4cm long. Passengers are advised to try lying down on top of one another.<br /><br /><span style="font-size: x-small;">Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@helloimnik?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Hello I'm Nik 🇬🇧</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/climate-protest?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span> </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-42518394396320527022013-10-01T15:46:00.000-07:002020-02-16T03:39:10.787-08:00Seven habits of highly effective nonsense <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-ip3s6T_RMKAYcMcsYSv3XB7rElaUXN6Poi6hcgqIBXORhBt4FjCjBomBuCGl_io4-m9TrW8Am93mRghoO54rhcbcitPe3fQ7jWaVHri6q3v8auYXjJvDw30hBVW8KXofhCPBcoTrdmZh/s1600/dominik-vanyi-5Fxuo7x-eyg-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1002" data-original-width="1600" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-ip3s6T_RMKAYcMcsYSv3XB7rElaUXN6Poi6hcgqIBXORhBt4FjCjBomBuCGl_io4-m9TrW8Am93mRghoO54rhcbcitPe3fQ7jWaVHri6q3v8auYXjJvDw30hBVW8KXofhCPBcoTrdmZh/s400/dominik-vanyi-5Fxuo7x-eyg-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><ul><li> A building site in Wales has banned builders. 'They kept falling off the scaffolding and hurting themselves,' said manager Farley Barnett.</li><li>The Ministry of Defence says that Dave's World of Reggae Badgers is interfering with its radar systems. It's thought the badgers are jamming.</li><li>After over eighty years of fending off annoying customer phone calls, the Royal Mint is acquiescing and from Tuesday will sell mints.</li><li>Members of the Catford Sidings Fat Club are to ask the government to legalise trifle, unaware that trifle has been legal since 1471.</li><li>People who have booked a holiday to Spanner have been told it is a mechanic's tool and not an exotic country.</li><li>After its five-year deep-ocean mission, the Institute of Things has revealed the bottom of the Atlantic is mostly made of sand.</li><li>Britain's total borrowing includes 14 billion lawnmowers, 5 billion hedge trimmers, 9 million ladders and two cheese graters. </li></ul><span style="font-size: x-small;">Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@dominik_photography?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Dominik Vanyi</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/funny?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-1613167733963630922013-03-15T16:22:00.000-07:002020-02-16T03:39:11.151-08:00Aesthetic jam threat <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1H_FRIxL8ztKWUGpMHO_KGOx7xbrChUdco1l8RVvXMqDcIgiwyHtZVCMwRa1Xg1J7oSNJjiziR2W1Td2fnn8XxJ0JVfVe0Kdc7PPVB1GaplqgNqdxMbUAUZRDdpcnyltwriD1wLxXtTeu/s1600/kal-visuals-ijFz-dnlxCA-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="997" data-original-width="1460" height="272" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1H_FRIxL8ztKWUGpMHO_KGOx7xbrChUdco1l8RVvXMqDcIgiwyHtZVCMwRa1Xg1J7oSNJjiziR2W1Td2fnn8XxJ0JVfVe0Kdc7PPVB1GaplqgNqdxMbUAUZRDdpcnyltwriD1wLxXtTeu/s400/kal-visuals-ijFz-dnlxCA-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><br />The European Union wants to redesignate certain British jam as paint after it was found to contain mostly colouring and paint.<br /><br />The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint. <br /><br /><i>People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, </i>said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co. <br /><br />The Aesthetic Jam Co admits jam made mostly from paint is likely to taste a little painty.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size: x-small;">Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@kalvisuals?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">KAL VISUALS</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/woman-at-breakfast?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span> Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-44915471050164472182013-01-17T14:47:00.000-08:002020-02-16T03:39:12.607-08:00Bat tax<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjDrty5URrZe1NRZ03yaij9zB5o9k14ZmPpXjnhCE4vnjBzWNeGd0XG3NKHC_S6-8essQCfQDU5FmyKZuWKO6ae617i5sn5oNlgVjAjQ3iWLIxr-S_L1Q5BUT9wAPeAhSPyzWo-YyfjZGy/s1600/clement-falize-NljTy5Y15JM-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjDrty5URrZe1NRZ03yaij9zB5o9k14ZmPpXjnhCE4vnjBzWNeGd0XG3NKHC_S6-8essQCfQDU5FmyKZuWKO6ae617i5sn5oNlgVjAjQ3iWLIxr-S_L1Q5BUT9wAPeAhSPyzWo-YyfjZGy/s400/clement-falize-NljTy5Y15JM-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><br />Airport taxes are to be applied to bats who remain in the air more than four hours and who carry passengers. Airport tax already applies to fleas who carry more than 8 passengers but not to passengers who carry more than 8 fleas.<br /><br /><br /><div class="_3bJ2H CHExY"><div class="_1l8RX _1ByhS"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@centelm?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Clément Falize</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/bats?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-85139425745881930202012-07-25T14:21:00.000-07:002020-02-16T03:39:15.879-08:0012 ways to improve your life<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUh1G7o_N7uO1mndzGgnB9kxg5jNTP4YfW-ZrlY2mxYtxyDHUC2smIUG6d765ePmjBLDdzfEIrZIi2oCkjSzZRV9z5L0aq0YcOYTVzKCGHqcbSqQFybwPbrAKhvlgLvtmqHnP7m4rtyk4J/s1600/pineapple-supply-co-qWlkCwBnwOE-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUh1G7o_N7uO1mndzGgnB9kxg5jNTP4YfW-ZrlY2mxYtxyDHUC2smIUG6d765ePmjBLDdzfEIrZIi2oCkjSzZRV9z5L0aq0YcOYTVzKCGHqcbSqQFybwPbrAKhvlgLvtmqHnP7m4rtyk4J/s400/pineapple-supply-co-qWlkCwBnwOE-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b>Everything you need to know to have a successful and fulfilling life, in twelve handy, bite-sized chunks. </b><br /><ol><li>George Osborne is expected to deny possessing over 78 tonnes of unpasturised cheese. </li><li>The Olympic stadium, which was finished well ahead of schedule, has accidentally been taken down and put back in its bags two months early. </li><li>The Institute of Things course *Ethics for Senior Journalists* has had to be cancelled because of heavy sarcasm. </li><li>Scientists at the Institute of Things announce the discovery of a new particle. It was under a bench and they have called it *dust*. The particle *dust* is not the same as dust, scientists say: that would just be silly. </li><li>Choux pastry experts say it will be extinct by 2015. There are simply not enough choux trees left to breed successfully. </li><li>For security reasons, lion taming has been banned in London for the period of the Olympics. The synchronised lion taming is obviously exempt. </li><li>Gorillas have been given the vote in Miffuania. They have voted for unlimited free banana loaf cake for gorillas. </li><li>Bottled water companies admit they have to chase frogs out of 9% of production because of crazy EU rules that say factories must have frogs. </li><li>Fewer than 1% of people who enter Wimbledon win it (this is true for the tennis tournament and the town itself). </li><li>The film Ghostbusters is to be remade using cheese and pineapple chunks instead of actors. The budget for the film is $49. </li><li>The League of Traditional Pirates is urging its members to adopt a more proactive customer service policy following a number of complaints. </li><li>A plan to rename Thug Street as Lovely Avenue was defeated at Catford Sidings Council last night. A compromise Thugly Road was also rejected. </li></ol><br /><div class="_3bJ2H CHExY"><div class="_1l8RX _1ByhS"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@pineapple?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Pineapple Supply Co.</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/funny?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-17792380131291786312012-07-21T14:26:00.000-07:002020-02-16T03:39:16.606-08:00Bank staff fired to protect investments<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWi1c7OYoPxoZvuUkl2UyCEjRhk2tJsDhiOlBRCaME3pwqyjFyuuP2yoCGwPBRESQrO9sHknp-YdLRKk1elpeubRkp-15tvPA46IwVvB7VVb5F1zcudkTc1WshJf3vNnsQOwDUBGc4n_JT/s1600/pawel-czerwinski-FtQPiDsBvZU-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWi1c7OYoPxoZvuUkl2UyCEjRhk2tJsDhiOlBRCaME3pwqyjFyuuP2yoCGwPBRESQrO9sHknp-YdLRKk1elpeubRkp-15tvPA46IwVvB7VVb5F1zcudkTc1WshJf3vNnsQOwDUBGc4n_JT/s400/pawel-czerwinski-FtQPiDsBvZU-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />The Bank of Nonsense is to sack all its employees in a bold move to protect customers' investments. <br /><br /><i>No bank employee is trustworthy,</i> said outgoing Chairman Mr Blooswade Choux, <i>so we've decided to fire everyone, including myself. </i><br /><br />In dismissing all its staff, the Bank of Nonsense will be making banking difficult for customers, but their money will be completely safe, it claims. <br /><br />But in breaking news, it has emerged that the Bank of Nonsense's plan has backfired because they also sacked security staff.<br /><br /><br /><div class="_3bJ2H CHExY"><div class="_1l8RX _1ByhS"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@pawel_czerwinski?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Paweł Czerwiński</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/bank-clerk?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-38201907403602356672012-05-26T11:13:00.000-07:002020-02-16T03:39:17.694-08:00Ten stories to change the way you think<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpGxSJ5YjBO0fuusVHovoD-JJv9x3YITGgkiSPqjw95xBiAt9DIzBHOtPQogbSZ6OeE9LAfAsMJI-XYwRKoEQpqEZBdyCnpj_6w4blckJWdGkaG5DY4-7BDyqooVJ6QA-kxuMbm0J5ogvu/s1600/josh-riemer-OH5BRdggi2w-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpGxSJ5YjBO0fuusVHovoD-JJv9x3YITGgkiSPqjw95xBiAt9DIzBHOtPQogbSZ6OeE9LAfAsMJI-XYwRKoEQpqEZBdyCnpj_6w4blckJWdGkaG5DY4-7BDyqooVJ6QA-kxuMbm0J5ogvu/s400/josh-riemer-OH5BRdggi2w-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><b> Ten vital up-to-the-minute news stories that will change the way you think: </b><br /><br /><ol><li>The fly-past of geese over Pewford Ponds today, celebrating 150 years of nonsense, only managed two elements of the attempted N formation. </li><li>New documents published under the 50 year rule reveal that we were nearly invaded by aliens called the Emoticons in the 1950s. </li><li>This year's Catford Sidings marathon will only be 122m long because of roadworks on Grabb Street. Record times are expected. </li><li>A man who jumped from a helicopter using a bowl of custard rather than a parachute is recovering in hospital. The bowl was slightly chipped. </li><li>Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has announced a massive push for growth. He is currently 6'1 but expects to be 9'3 by Christmas. </li><li>Lost: one tin of Spam. Answers to the name Lucky. If you find him please call 0131 334 9171 and ask for Cam L Hump. </li><li>Catford Sidings natural history museum regrets to announce that a wild cat strike means there will be no wild cats on display this weekend. </li><li>Catford Sidings Library is to employ a consultant after piping the sound of laughter around its shelves saw a dramatic fall in book loans. </li><li>Seventeen per cent of £20 notes in circulation are actually French toast, the Fraud Squad has revealed. It is not clear why no-one has noticed before. </li><li>The telephone gardening service is in chaos after a group of horses ordered four million acres of grass to be delivered to a one acre field. </li></ol><br /><div class="_3bJ2H CHExY"><div class="_1l8RX _1ByhS"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@joshriemer?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Josh Riemer</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/brain?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-19913176054045181462012-05-26T11:04:00.000-07:002020-02-16T03:39:18.058-08:00Greek currency plan<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRaAMt0W-0LB40fYjC7JcQSknAxo1KA44J8Si_njGxOPHL0qWmYb2lROElioK9WrnZQV5Vn7JIU6XypdzDR5U_h9kmQTRbfk6V7a11ZB7XaBIKckZVHln_S284LnqKMGHzrvJM2MeT6sgy/s1600/donald-giannatti-0bwS43t6xZ4-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1065" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRaAMt0W-0LB40fYjC7JcQSknAxo1KA44J8Si_njGxOPHL0qWmYb2lROElioK9WrnZQV5Vn7JIU6XypdzDR5U_h9kmQTRbfk6V7a11ZB7XaBIKckZVHln_S284LnqKMGHzrvJM2MeT6sgy/s400/donald-giannatti-0bwS43t6xZ4-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /> A plan for the new Greek currency to use marbles instead of coins has been rejected because marbles roll away and are too easy to lose.<br /><br /><i>It wouldn't be the first time Greece had lost its marbles,</i> said Prof Theo Marbilopolis of the Hellenic Institute of Coinage. <br /><br />Marble production, which had already started at factory in the Scottish town of Elgin, has been halted.<br /><br /><br /><div class="_3bJ2H CHExY"><div class="_1l8RX _1ByhS"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@wizwow?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Donald Giannatti</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/elgin-marbles?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-66583277486542837332012-03-26T12:31:00.000-07:002020-02-16T03:39:22.784-08:00Bus company rejects maths<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgU50wy2FJ85XbP3oWZqMQ9k-5eu0UnKUexiSG-DwjUbqu0_Ih56jh1fCemA6X4iZ_-s-xhVMQkp0ItMyyYKmr7KcX4T5ooQOt94Obw51exJLW4p74gWhOX2_18j1JAE9J2W0si12F_VXmx/s1600/juan-encalada-6mcVaoGNz1w-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1069" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgU50wy2FJ85XbP3oWZqMQ9k-5eu0UnKUexiSG-DwjUbqu0_Ih56jh1fCemA6X4iZ_-s-xhVMQkp0ItMyyYKmr7KcX4T5ooQOt94Obw51exJLW4p74gWhOX2_18j1JAE9J2W0si12F_VXmx/s400/juan-encalada-6mcVaoGNz1w-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />Lewisham Ponds Bus Service is to replace mathematics with spiritualism in a bid to make customers happier. <br /><br />This means the No.54 to Catford Sidings will be rebranded the <i>Healing Energy</i> and will only accept payment in exact kindness. <br /><br /><br /><div class="_3bJ2H CHExY"><div class="_1l8RX _1ByhS"><span>Ph<span style="font-size: x-small;">oto by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@juanencalada?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Juan Encalada</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/bus?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-46104140293766870792012-03-26T03:00:00.000-07:002020-02-16T03:39:23.150-08:00Donors get access<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8x-EhyphenhyphennkkRScBOACQ1nWgWTxedM2Mv4nMiF3AeAxyeaK83c0yj4XtUGKxOaqJtXIe2vO2oUKkodr7uPSOSZ3Cr4ZA9VyXB4I8VjPi5PeUAeeEuvoe06rcH7qWR90wrE5-s0j5Bp-5-HrW/s1600/david-greenwood-haigh-dohuuUw_XFM-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1068" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8x-EhyphenhyphennkkRScBOACQ1nWgWTxedM2Mv4nMiF3AeAxyeaK83c0yj4XtUGKxOaqJtXIe2vO2oUKkodr7uPSOSZ3Cr4ZA9VyXB4I8VjPi5PeUAeeEuvoe06rcH7qWR90wrE5-s0j5Bp-5-HrW/s400/david-greenwood-haigh-dohuuUw_XFM-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><br />Donors are granted special access to its biscuit cabinet, the International Journal of Nonsense has admitted.<br /><br />Groove Cameroon, owner of the IJN said that it was not the way the online information resource raised money and promised an internal inquiry in which everyone would be exonerated.<br /><br /><br /><br /><div class="_3bJ2H CHExY"><div class="_1l8RX _1ByhS"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@dghchocolatier?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">David Greenwood-Haigh</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/woman-eating-biscuit?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-28468012842709602402012-03-14T10:38:00.000-07:002020-02-16T03:39:31.918-08:00Pub in legal threat<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizzlU_jBgkm4Fz-C0DFci-dkpAiXio0qQuqx0NlUbSh-2N74FOzeU-3uW1p3iwHE37x1ptkQA2xVgBlQusjEc_KeRht-129WmjrWESgIJJD7J7Gp9ZlOABeJ8zUg3WQFXq0MHUt1jVFqPZ/s1600/louis-hansel-shotsoflouis-zbheJoirg0k-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizzlU_jBgkm4Fz-C0DFci-dkpAiXio0qQuqx0NlUbSh-2N74FOzeU-3uW1p3iwHE37x1ptkQA2xVgBlQusjEc_KeRht-129WmjrWESgIJJD7J7Gp9ZlOABeJ8zUg3WQFXq0MHUt1jVFqPZ/s400/louis-hansel-shotsoflouis-zbheJoirg0k-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div> <br />The Starbucks Pub in Lower Grumps has been threatened with legal action by a well-known coffee firm.<br /><br /><i>In fact, the pub isn't named after Starbucks who sell coffee, </i>said landlady Eunice Pewniss. <i>We named it after our horse, Star, who bucks. </i><br /><br />But lawyers for the American coffee company say the pub must be closed, the owners imprisoned and the building razed to the ground. They also want a million trillion dollars in compensation.<br /><br /><br /><div class="_3bJ2H CHExY"><div class="_1l8RX _1ByhS"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@louishansel?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Louis Hansel @shotsoflouis</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/village-pub?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-44932590124400313752012-03-09T02:26:00.000-08:002020-02-17T08:59:49.152-08:00Recipe change for NonsensePop<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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NonsensePop is to change its recipe to avoid having to put a slug warning label on its bottles. The move follows a new law in Leglength Spoonk which requires products containing slug, snails and wasps to carry a warning mark.<br />
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<i>We don't think the label is strictly necessary, </i>said Lumpwich Brandoil, marketing manager for NonsensePop Holdings. <i>People have been drinking our refreshing beverage for years and although many have complained about the taste of slug, no-one has ever died. </i><br />
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But insiders say harvesting slugs created a significant overhead for the company and it will save millions by switching to a chemical ingredient that simulates the taste of slug.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@caitlynhastings?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Caitlyn Hastings</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/coke?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-59611719314174011222012-03-05T14:20:00.000-08:002020-02-17T09:48:45.374-08:00Chinese throw out jam case<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A copyright case brought in Beijing by a British jam company has been thrown out by the Chinese court.<br />
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The court said that Clatfod Fidink Indasrius Jim made by the Jum Dung Jim Corporation of Shanghai bears little or no resemblance to Catford Sidings Industrial Jam made by the Damn Fine Jam Company of Harditch Weaslings. <br />
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<i>It's a travesty,</i> said Sid Numpty, MD of DFJC. <i>Clearly the two jams are identical. Both are bright red and jammy. </i><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@moniqa?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Monika Grabkowska</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/jam?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-23878522834795459642012-03-02T13:00:00.000-08:002020-02-17T09:58:42.762-08:00Hackers were pro-panda<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Chinese hackers were in control of IJN's computers for most of 2011, it emerged today. This may account for the large amount of pro-panda propaganda published on the website during that year. <br />
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<i>Obviously we are surprised and distressed that Chinese hackers were able to break through our rigorous security measures,</i> said IJN Editor Mr Horse McRacing, <i>by working out that our password was *password*. </i><br />
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But IT expert Burring O'Lefart said that it was a disaster waiting to happen. I<i>f they had taken my advice, they would have unplugged all their computers two years ago and buried them in a pit. If they'd done that we wouldn't be having this problem now. </i><br />
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The discovery leaves IJN with a dilemma, McRacing explained: <i>Now we're back in control, we're not sure whether to publish a load of anti-panda publicity to counteract the effects of the hacking or to leave well alone and hope for the best. </i><br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-57539866358733989232012-02-20T09:52:00.000-08:002020-02-17T10:44:45.686-08:00Chickens rule roost in shoes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A new breed of super-intelligent, genetically modified chickens is taking over the footwear industry, experts say. <br />
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The shoeshoppo chicken is a biproduct of genetic experimentation in the 1990s and some of those which escaped set up their own shoe shops. <br />
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Now it appears that a number of high-profile mergers in the footwear industry were actually made by dummy companies, fronts for shoeshoppo chickens.<br />
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Major high street names like Dolcis and Clarks are now owned and run by chickens. <br />
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<i>It is deeply worrying,</i> said Sid Cloggs of the British Footwear Industries Association, <i>that chickens can take over an entire industry like this. I am very concerned that the chickens may extract all the value they can and then leave the British footwear industry in tatters. They have no interest in maintaining the formerly high standards of our industry. They don't even wear shoes themselves. </i><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@relentlessjpg?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">William Moreland</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/chicken?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-1705526019245482742012-02-06T13:34:00.000-08:002020-02-18T12:20:33.133-08:00Executives donate bonuses to charity<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Executives at Man Mountain Enterprises have announced they will donate their bonuses to charity owing to the current fiscal uncertainty.<br />
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Over £4m will be donated to the Man Mountain Executives' Benevolent Fund and the Man Mountain Executives holiday fund. <br />
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<i>The shortfall created by the donation of the bonuses,</i> said Man Mountain's chief cashier Adam Up, <i>will be ameliorated by the supplement of additional salary increases. </i><br />
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Executive salary increases are expected to be in the region of £6m.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@sandym10?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Sandy Millar</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/charity?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-79096290593170272552012-01-23T11:31:00.000-08:002020-02-18T12:42:04.497-08:00Shareholders object to executive pay<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Shareholders in Man Mountain Enterprises, publishers of the IJN*, have objected to the pay of the company's chief executive Mr Grool Inhillclimb. <br />
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They say it is not enough. <br />
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<i>Mr Inhillclimb does such a wonderful job,</i> said Mrs Tharg of Upcoming Programme in Kent who holds a 4p share in Man Mountain. <i>We'd have to pay much more to ship in one of these executives from Eastern Europe. </i><br />
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Tom Wideface of Plankton Podbury who holds five (6) 4p shares in Man Mountain agrees. <i>I don't really understand executive pay, but I think there should be more of it, if anything. You can never have too much of a good thing, can you? </i><br />
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Mrs Jen Till Inhillclimb of Man Mountain Towers, Catford Sidings, who holds 58,341 4p shares says <i>People don't understand how hardworking these top executives are. They deserve to have their pay at least doubled and that's what I'll be telling the AGM. </i><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">*The Editor would like to take this opportunity to remind readers that the International Journal of Nonsense does not enjoy complete editorial freedom.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@wocintechchat?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Christina @ wocintechchat.com</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/shareholder-meeting?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-65130216831369462792012-01-20T12:36:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:05:17.500-08:00IJN to be inspected for cracks<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The International Journal of Nonsense is to be closely inspected for cracks.<br />
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Some cracks have already been found and so a full inspection will be carried out for safety reasons. The IJN will continue to publish during the inspection. <br />
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<i>We don't want to lose money just because of a few cracks,</i> said Editor Horse McRacing. <i>There is only a very small chance of the cracks suddenly splitting the journal wide open and killing everyone who is reading it. That is a risk we are willing to take, although the staff of the IJN have been moved to a bunker under the Catford Downs as a precaution. </i><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@jokday?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Jo Van de kerkhove</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/cracks?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-52341017248095586232012-01-18T12:17:00.000-08:002020-02-19T01:14:33.128-08:00Swans go bust<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Swans have gone bankrupt -- the first time an entire species has gone into administration. <br />
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The swans got into difficulty after failing to restructure £234m in bank loans. <br />
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It will mean tough times for many swans who will find that their cashpoint cards no longer work. Some swans have already been seen begging for stale bread.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@seffen99?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Sven Brandsma</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/bankrupt?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-51369547860534732782012-01-18T01:30:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:20:01.023-08:00Nonsense Yacht backers seek fundsBackers of the Nonsense Yacht are to raise money from public subscriptions and business sponsorship rather than from the government. <br /><br /><i>I think it is vital that a journal of the stature and importance of the International Journal of Nonsense should have its own yacht, </i>said Grumb Stumpselsen, chairman of Man Mountain Enterprises which owns the IJN.<i> It is crucial for the prestige of this esteemed international information resource that senior executives are seen to travel in splendor. </i><br /><br />So far, 27p in postage stamps, 14cm of string and a cheese and onion pasty have been donated towards building the yacht. The current design, which was devised by Mr Stumpelsen himself, is estimated to cost £27billion.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-19662719377582315452012-01-13T13:10:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:19:59.870-08:00Catford Sidings downgradedCatford Sidings has had its credit rating downgraded from Z to Z- following the discovery that the Parish Council has been paying off credit cards with other credit cards.<br /><br /><i>We have had a great many expenses, </i>explained Council Leader Dame Onion Widepants, including the cleanup of a massive cheese spill and the launch of our bid for independence. <i>However, Catford Sidings' financial performance is still rated *abysmal* which is quite respectable in the current global economic climate. </i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-52444452752795479822012-01-13T13:04:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:20:01.101-08:00Judges split over five best things awardThe announcement of the five best things has had to be delayed because the judges cannot agree on the winners. <br /><br />Nightwear magnate Hugo Iurwaii remains adamant that jam, pyjamas, cheese, bees, and peas should be the five best things while Lord Wellington is entrenched in his view that dark horses, wellies, tall pies, quiche fights and grit should win.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com