tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25724893028937682872024-03-14T08:11:19.197-07:00New International Journal of NonsenseUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-14334776805696345742020-02-14T14:24:00.000-08:002020-02-16T03:39:07.139-08:00Fish incident leads to suspension<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggSijThNKkfvj_mW4bwhdQ5CHCyjjt7S24hwTv0npgqUc9yUfJgG-uG1WH-KxbxY26YnQFl1YWcVZ5SgVV_sdse7mRecdFGD8Nbi5bn9ycp0uTAwQd0l-FEMMLXZOX9qVpSN3e7xedMf68/s1600/Be8l1SgCYAAbLMY.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="449" data-original-width="800" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggSijThNKkfvj_mW4bwhdQ5CHCyjjt7S24hwTv0npgqUc9yUfJgG-uG1WH-KxbxY26YnQFl1YWcVZ5SgVV_sdse7mRecdFGD8Nbi5bn9ycp0uTAwQd0l-FEMMLXZOX9qVpSN3e7xedMf68/s400/Be8l1SgCYAAbLMY.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">Nonsense News's Barfity Fargstring has been suspended after allegations she hit Eunice Pewness with a halibut.</span><br /><br /><span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">The alleged incident allegedly occured just after then end of the alleged lunchtime news. Ms Fargstring had been spotted entering the Nonsense Newscasting building with a fish-shaped bag but denies that it actually contained a fish. </span><br /><span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0"><br /></span><span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">Ms Pewness was briefly stunned into silence following the event but was broadcasting again in time for the early evening news despite a few fish scales being apparent on the side of her head.</span><br /><span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0"><br /></span><span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0"><br /></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-55780557766806280482020-02-13T13:20:00.000-08:002020-02-16T03:39:07.504-08:00Mattress futon riots silenced by padding<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyhRUrOTmvtP7pk5CpEF_nH8Z2nEVl6FfVG5X1YQuzuJUJFaQkDQeWso3e8VJ9hteupndSuqLo-5AmCF8Ht5GtLAMdJxTDRX1iHJmaLQhh2BKRWT0mG4P8IH2Zjituun6EzTKi-FvpqYTy/s1600/randy-colas-T1u5YP4blL4-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyhRUrOTmvtP7pk5CpEF_nH8Z2nEVl6FfVG5X1YQuzuJUJFaQkDQeWso3e8VJ9hteupndSuqLo-5AmCF8Ht5GtLAMdJxTDRX1iHJmaLQhh2BKRWT0mG4P8IH2Zjituun6EzTKi-FvpqYTy/s400/randy-colas-T1u5YP4blL4-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />Pro-mattress protestors clashed violently with futonists in the centre of Catford Sidings this afternoon.<br /><br />No-one was hurt owing to all the padding. Some mattresses were singed slightly when a birthday cake was thrown, candles alight. One man was taken to hospital for precautionary tests after carrying a futon for three miles. He was reported as feeling "tired".<br /><br />Police say the town centre has returned to normality, despite the fact it has been nowhere near normal since the 1957 fudge wars.<br /><br /><div class="_3bJ2H CHExY"><div class="_1l8RX _1ByhS"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@randycolasbe?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Randy Colas</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/riot?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-30493682863950361402017-08-15T16:16:00.000-07:002020-02-16T03:39:08.969-08:00Fake station alertSouth Erst Trains reports delays after hackers built a fake station at Pewford Ponds. Travel is unlikely as the trains are made of cheese.<br /><br /> If you are unsure whether you are travelling from a fake railway station, experts advise checking whether there are tracks coming out of it and if these tracks are made of conventional metal or cheese straws. <br /><br /> British Transport Police say it's very difficult to stop hackers building fake railway stations as you have to spot the delivery of large quantities of building materials some of which are foodstuffs.<br /><br />South Erst Trains has rushed out a map showing all currently known fake stations. Passengers should avoid these as they are made of cheese and do not allow travel to any other destinations, despite appearing to be very convincing railway stations.<br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EI6B7FKK450/WZOAewFaecI/AAAAAAAAGzA/iPoP2pjG6rEgsVIfl6OUiBCCKW3wyTprQCLcBGAs/s1600/south-erst-trains-fake-stations.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1139" data-original-width="1600" height="283" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EI6B7FKK450/WZOAewFaecI/AAAAAAAAGzA/iPoP2pjG6rEgsVIfl6OUiBCCKW3wyTprQCLcBGAs/s400/south-erst-trains-fake-stations.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The current status of fake stations</td></tr></tbody></table><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-70985175063698395092012-11-22T14:33:00.000-08:002020-02-16T03:39:12.971-08:00Editor charged with weasel hacking <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1On_R2YR4W2llPL8BOmE3N8svxrWKeKzh3kEXFPnQ9yNz0L7jVERBB8G9ZVoVyegBgX9mBUb0GjPE1ONd24Ib4vriHECXDASXeJGCicoBHvfUayvEgjnLhymZwjU5CJvAmIh-BEzfNUPf/s1600/kai-pilger-Xq3RLluXfYo-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1On_R2YR4W2llPL8BOmE3N8svxrWKeKzh3kEXFPnQ9yNz0L7jVERBB8G9ZVoVyegBgX9mBUb0GjPE1ONd24Ib4vriHECXDASXeJGCicoBHvfUayvEgjnLhymZwjU5CJvAmIh-BEzfNUPf/s400/kai-pilger-Xq3RLluXfYo-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><br />Editor of Nonsense Journal Horse McCanter has been charged with making illegal payments to weasels for inside information on the animal community. <br /><br />Mr McCanter denies making the payments. <i>I use Visa,</i> he claims, <i>and weasels only take MasterCard, as everyone knows.</i><br /><br />The case against Mr McCanter for hacking elephant phone calls collapsed last year when it emerged that elephants use 256 bit encryption. <br /><br /><br /><div class="_3bJ2H CHExY"><div class="_1l8RX _1ByhS"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@kaip?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Kai Pilger</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/crime?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div></div><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-27295363026534135942012-03-01T11:38:00.000-08:002020-02-17T10:14:50.146-08:00Plate inventor is fraud<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-GtA7A7bZUVXkv-UXG5qfzSKToE0Mxmy-WDCS8e8_x7iUfRMWNqQXBSBq3wNEXFVEVlg5ubcsfnbWKNmWXNVm5FSUmXxYF4vpz6BEbOSr1u9vmQ5vOTpI1FOWGQZoSHQRQ5Gn2cj2ZRe7/s1600/alex-iby-8mO-mi1-Hhc-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-GtA7A7bZUVXkv-UXG5qfzSKToE0Mxmy-WDCS8e8_x7iUfRMWNqQXBSBq3wNEXFVEVlg5ubcsfnbWKNmWXNVm5FSUmXxYF4vpz6BEbOSr1u9vmQ5vOTpI1FOWGQZoSHQRQ5Gn2cj2ZRe7/s400/alex-iby-8mO-mi1-Hhc-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
A man who claimed to have invented the dinner plate in 1953 has been exposed as a fraud. <br />
<br />
Fraudster Gungho Pedestrian also claimed to have invented pianos, pastry, mattresses and surgical trusses, all in 1953. He was unmasked when he turned up at the Design Museum demanding a prize. <br />
<br />
<i>Members of the public who come across this individual should be wary of any claims he makes to have invented things in 1953, </i>said Superintendent Bracken Faceplanet of the Catford Sidings Police. <i>Other than that he seems completely reliable. </i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="_3bJ2H CHExY">
<div class="_1l8RX _1ByhS">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@alexiby?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Alex Iby</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/woman-eating?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-32675533416330017902012-02-21T09:56:00.000-08:002020-02-17T10:37:49.722-08:00Footballer in speeding ban<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbVFxVD8dzKSoP8bth1HlFd22H0vbBGJBr6b4ydMoufK5b3HZ6fUro2DbG44QVRv8nznvwPcGr0rEPg2BplBEvA1CyW_qtp7GSKCzt6Cbg8VCCsJKk4Q2RrZiT47uzpq-FWr5glKYQDrDZ/s1600/jordan-koons-r3ESQvwL5WU-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="901" data-original-width="1600" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbVFxVD8dzKSoP8bth1HlFd22H0vbBGJBr6b4ydMoufK5b3HZ6fUro2DbG44QVRv8nznvwPcGr0rEPg2BplBEvA1CyW_qtp7GSKCzt6Cbg8VCCsJKk4Q2RrZiT47uzpq-FWr5glKYQDrDZ/s400/jordan-koons-r3ESQvwL5WU-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Grime Athletic footballer Nicholas Bentspiggot was travelling at 318mph in a shopping trolley laden with gas cylinders when he went through a police speed camera van. <br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Bentspiggot pleaded guilty to a speeding charge at Catford Sidings Magistrates Court and was banned from using supermarket trolleys for five years. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Grime Athletic manager Glug Obierr commented: <i>I don't care what anyone says, it could have happened to anyone. I'll admit the lad made a mistake when he lit that cigarette but he's sick as a parrot about it. </i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="_3bJ2H CHExY">
<div class="_1l8RX _1ByhS">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@obi_wayne?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Jordan Koons</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/shopping-trolley?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div>
</div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-87400701591690148262012-02-17T12:29:00.000-08:002020-02-17T10:51:41.402-08:00Dating agency shut down<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimiYkjz2gcjxxBKKT6DIjDRYYGMzu6OifuaT5fwaa963BCH0qZ63ktJNdSohdAZGw2vtMAw8yeiaQr-mrd4AM7JBZ93QO_GrZDW0uab2_IMxzeteQg9pe98XbV3s8FlUDFAfS37mxNZmmC/s1600/relevante-design-E_1Uk4pcIK4-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimiYkjz2gcjxxBKKT6DIjDRYYGMzu6OifuaT5fwaa963BCH0qZ63ktJNdSohdAZGw2vtMAw8yeiaQr-mrd4AM7JBZ93QO_GrZDW0uab2_IMxzeteQg9pe98XbV3s8FlUDFAfS37mxNZmmC/s400/relevante-design-E_1Uk4pcIK4-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
A dating agency in Farfud Nundings has had to close after pairing a highly strung Spanish lady with a basset hound.<br />
<br />
<i>It was an error that anyone could have made,</i> claimed Sunbury Spume, former proprietor of Love In Nundings. <i>The basset hound had filled in all the paperwork correctly and ticked yes next to 'do you like animals' and, unfortunately, our computerised system had no protocol for telling whether or not an applicant was human. </i><br />
<br />
Miss Pastriola Flamingo only complained after the basset hound stole her Chicken Marengo during the main course of what she said was an otherwise delightful dinner. But a Farfud Nundings bylaw dating from 1641 makes it an offence to <i>arrange for the dining with dogs</i> and so the agency was served with a closure notice. <br />
<br />
<i>We have no way of knowing if this was the only time this offence has been committed,</i> said Farfud Nundings Dog Warden Pete Readish, <i>but we weren't taking any chances. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
The basset hound is recovering at its villa in the south of France.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="_3bJ2H CHExY">
<div class="_1l8RX _1ByhS">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@relevantedesign?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Relevante design</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/dating?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-73618072870942455242012-02-12T00:53:00.000-08:002020-02-18T01:21:18.044-08:00Journal continues despite arrests<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhou0ROuKzJxQdyk14LAHnDnfJQIfBoMMaC-RFs-YYydGwmVIrqdyBQKdvI5hyphenhyphens_i6wIxPRjy9MBVPDsm1HUDpsHS7S3EDNj1f3pNtTaDcAKi7x-9gJ2AQkvwlw3aOVt2Kg6fBnn020eJAZ/s1600/felix-koutchinski-WEcl8_kqwpg-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhou0ROuKzJxQdyk14LAHnDnfJQIfBoMMaC-RFs-YYydGwmVIrqdyBQKdvI5hyphenhyphens_i6wIxPRjy9MBVPDsm1HUDpsHS7S3EDNj1f3pNtTaDcAKi7x-9gJ2AQkvwlw3aOVt2Kg6fBnn020eJAZ/s400/felix-koutchinski-WEcl8_kqwpg-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
The International Journal of Nonsense will continue to publish despite its entire editorial team's being arrested, the owners have announced.<br />
<br />
Speaking from a grassy knoll in Dallas, chairman of Man Mountain Enterprises, Mr Grave Consikwenses said: <i>It is unfortunate that our entire editorial staff decided to put on balaclavas last night and break into the Bank of Sidings. It is even more unfortunate that they were caught. But an august journal like the International Journal of Nonsense is more than just a group of writers and researchers. It is also a dedicated team of advertisement sales personnel. </i><br />
<br />
Mr Consikwenses went on to explain that the IJN team are innocent until proven guilty and that he would stand behind them to the last. His decision, he explained, to replace them immediately was purely a matter of logistics. <br />
<br />
Speaking from his cell in Catford Sidings Police Station, former IJN editor Horse McBumblefluff said: <i>We would have got away with it if it hadn't been for those pesky kids. </i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="_3bJ2H CHExY">
<div class="_1l8RX _1ByhS">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@koutchinski?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Felix Koutchinski</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/bank?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-70953307050051478322012-01-26T09:00:00.000-08:002020-02-18T12:28:21.850-08:00Arrests in Rs and elbows case<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB1NUIEwd5HejhAQjNafSDv_4wPyjUy2MYD03pgMZPSXUdcQFx1RosoJUCddWDWziosEMrQ3kRoXY6Lprs7_xEWNo_sRhnrrL_KKPtGtU3OyPSzH5IBS5XiBvsl3AsNa8XTFqrYVtzj2bC/s1600/john-cameron-kBRrav94tGg-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1069" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB1NUIEwd5HejhAQjNafSDv_4wPyjUy2MYD03pgMZPSXUdcQFx1RosoJUCddWDWziosEMrQ3kRoXY6Lprs7_xEWNo_sRhnrrL_KKPtGtU3OyPSzH5IBS5XiBvsl3AsNa8XTFqrYVtzj2bC/s400/john-cameron-kBRrav94tGg-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
It is thought that thieves who broke into the offices of IJN and stole all our Rs were after a priceless collection of Chinese elbows. <br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
The thieves were arrested when a passerby noticed the Rs hanging out of their trousers. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<i>It makes no sense,</i> said Inspector Frank Telletters of Catford Sidings CID. <i>The gang walked straight past the exhibition of Tang Dynasty elbows worth £84m on open display in the office foyer. They then proceeded to attack the letter safe with welding equipment before making off with £4.20-worth of the letter R. </i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
Unlikely as it may seem, it appears the thieves were confused about the difference between stocks of the Rs and the priceless Chinese elbows. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
Chinese authorities have now removed the elbows from display at IJN's offices, citing security concerns. It appears the thieves were able to circumvent IJN's elaborate security arrangements when a bathroom window was left open.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="_3bJ2H CHExY">
<div class="_1l8RX _1ByhS">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@john_cameron?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">John Cameron</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/arrests?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div>
</div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-2075023890725963482012-01-26T08:30:00.000-08:002020-02-18T12:32:12.311-08:00Item in alphabetical system stolen<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0suL_Dm3hMoRb2p5ObNh9kvKffTwPVZmrU3dk9osDjpwiz_PFhkyAEBrNwrlvhFmpR4fflCYvZ0wTa230Hp-TSj0LglppU_hhYv-z6DgmalifvybihHIz-wbhIGvgARZ_wSiuw6b_MKNp/s1600/cris-dinoto-62Phjv4KUdo-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0suL_Dm3hMoRb2p5ObNh9kvKffTwPVZmrU3dk9osDjpwiz_PFhkyAEBrNwrlvhFmpR4fflCYvZ0wTa230Hp-TSj0LglppU_hhYv-z6DgmalifvybihHIz-wbhIGvgARZ_wSiuw6b_MKNp/s400/cris-dinoto-62Phjv4KUdo-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
B%EAKING: thieves have b%oken into IJN's office and stolen all stocks of the lette% between Q and S making it difficult to w%ite nonsense. <br />
<br />
We have o%de%ed new supplies of the lette% %. In the meantime we'%e using %. But supplies of % a%e %unning dange%ously low. <br />
<br />
Unfo%tunately, the next sto%y up is about %hodesian %idgebacks %iding the t%ansit system fo% f%ee. We'%e also wo%king on a sto%y about %ises in %etail p%ices. <br />
<br />
<i>It's %idiculous,</i> said IJN's editor Ho%se Mc%uncible. <i>How can we possibly wo%k like this? </i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="_3bJ2H CHExY">
<div class="_1l8RX _1ByhS">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@crisdinoto?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Cris DiNoto</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/letter-r?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-39700566769499542762012-01-21T02:25:00.000-08:002020-02-18T12:56:38.854-08:00Meerkats free Barf Margmaharn<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha_lm7vCJoQggUIOD2SQUlzax7LmnrJKmV5_E0zNDoGmvlwnA2bz0nhrAk0FTslgx7K1Vv9hmREtZkJ-kRYgazGzIEShTaeKCx34uhtyd5eNmC7O4taQkRezbJrtxl8BuPD1dR9qeIpH1L/s1600/wayne-godfrey-UQ3dU93jqWA-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha_lm7vCJoQggUIOD2SQUlzax7LmnrJKmV5_E0zNDoGmvlwnA2bz0nhrAk0FTslgx7K1Vv9hmREtZkJ-kRYgazGzIEShTaeKCx34uhtyd5eNmC7O4taQkRezbJrtxl8BuPD1dR9qeIpH1L/s400/wayne-godfrey-UQ3dU93jqWA-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Meerkats free Barf Margmaharn has been freed unharmed from his kidnap ordeal after a negotiator persuaded a gang of feral meerkats to let him go. <br />
<br />
<i>It was quite embarrassing,</i> said Barf in a press conference afterwards. <i>Meerkats are quite small animals and there were only six of them. But they have this sort of mind control thing going on. I was going to Sainsburys for them and all sorts. </i><br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="_3bJ2H CHExY">
<div class="_1l8RX _1ByhS">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@wayne_godfrey_777?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Wayne Godfrey</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/meerkats?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-39139153061312760892012-01-21T02:12:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:00:34.037-08:00Porridge gangs quelled<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNIykTplcx1nfzID5hEXHI8cCAuZ54P0f6aumBPFDusU4HIAopG2KRamPOuiRpRVOmdhoayeZRXI-wxmAB4D7F7N-UMGZ55mbyxmkWwGPSYHyxyVFAjDwK75cPLfEyV1XfA_TpGQGBc_vm/s1600/markus-spiske-SAEYIEBB2es-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1070" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNIykTplcx1nfzID5hEXHI8cCAuZ54P0f6aumBPFDusU4HIAopG2KRamPOuiRpRVOmdhoayeZRXI-wxmAB4D7F7N-UMGZ55mbyxmkWwGPSYHyxyVFAjDwK75cPLfEyV1XfA_TpGQGBc_vm/s400/markus-spiske-SAEYIEBB2es-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Outbreaks of violence between gangs who illegally sell porridge were quelled by Catford Sidings police last night. <br />
<br />
Tensions were thought to have been triggered by death of porridge don, Grumpo Porridgioni who ran most of the porridge rackets in the Catford Sidings area. <br />
<br />
<i>We cornered a number of individuals who had been throwing illicit porridge at about 1am this morning, </i>said Chief Inspector Bungo Envelope. <i>For a while it was getting sticky out there, but then we called in the milk cannon. </i><br />
<br />
But some say the violence resulted from mismanagement by the Catford Sidings authorities. <br />
<br />
<i>It's time we legalised porridge, </i>said Dame Navinia Throatswetch of the League to Legalise Porridge. <i>Thousands of people use it. If we got it all out in the open we wouldn't be prey to these gangs. </i><br />
<br />
Possession of porridge is illegal in Catford Sidings under bylaw 4126b which has banned anything Scots since 1984. That was the year that a number of caber tossers ruined the Catford Sidings Fete causing outrage among leading Sidingonians.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="_3bJ2H CHExY">
<div class="_1l8RX _1ByhS">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@markusspiske?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Markus Spiske</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/porridge?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-90868346663051016872012-01-20T12:25:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:10:17.303-08:00Meerkats kidnap presenter<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGludqNvQzEQk-bMYXfKbgZ1_qyIRKiPW86ckJ3Yl3DvjDFfsjFua-yStu0kQkDfCZzAH6FFeF_DDqxWRnz9MPifXR4K-_CtdB4TC_0KJTtmKT7KT4jn1zbEUyIOcoue7BjoomWlr-olCP/s1600/nick-karvounis-9g02bqvfoq0-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGludqNvQzEQk-bMYXfKbgZ1_qyIRKiPW86ckJ3Yl3DvjDFfsjFua-yStu0kQkDfCZzAH6FFeF_DDqxWRnz9MPifXR4K-_CtdB4TC_0KJTtmKT7KT4jn1zbEUyIOcoue7BjoomWlr-olCP/s400/nick-karvounis-9g02bqvfoq0-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Meerkats have kidnapped presenter and artist Barf Margmaharn and are demanding the release of 72 wallabies from Bristol Zoo. <br />
<br />
Mr Margmaharn is believed to be in good health and being treated well by the meerkats, who are generally mild-mannered animals. <br />
<br />
<i>There is no question of us releasing the wallabies, </i>said Dram Punker, head keeper at Bristol Zoo. <i>We never negotiate with meerkats. Mr</i><i> Margmaharn will just have to take his chances. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Inspector Isaac Oldsaye of the National Abduction and Kidnap Unit said: <i>We have no idea what the Meerkats really want. Bristol Zoo does't have 72 wallabies. Let's hope they never find that out or </i><i>Barf Margmaharn is really in trouble. </i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="_3bJ2H CHExY">
<div class="_1l8RX _1ByhS">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@nickkarvounis?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Nick Karvounis</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/van?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-74624286563921981682012-01-18T01:00:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:20:01.948-08:00Court bans duelA duel between the Duke of Wellington and a nightwear salesman has been declared illegal by the High Court in Brunswick Cuttings. <br /><br />The pizza-based duel was declared a draw after the duelists stood too far apart to hit each other. The dispute was over which items on a shortlist should be announced as the five best things.<br /><br />Now the High Court has banned a rematch, leaving the decision about the five best things in limbo. <br /><br />Nightwear magnate Hugo Iurwaii remains adamant that jam, pyjamas, cheese, bees, and peas should be the five best things while the Duke is entrenched in his view that dark horses, wellies, tall pies, quiche fights and grit should win. Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-33394533181404847752012-01-04T08:20:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:20:00.370-08:00IJN falls for evolution hoaxA story about some species evolving in a rapid burst yesterday has turned out to be a hoax. No fish turned into beavers, as we reported may happen last week. We can only apologise to any readers who were inconvenienced.<br /><i><br /></i><br /><i>It is impossible for animals to evolve from one species to another in a single day,</i> according to Prof Mandem Pumpsweersinkin of the Drunkonian Institute of Biological Research in Yelping Sidmouth. <i>I don't know how you could have been so stupid as to believe it.</i><br /><br />The orginal information was provided by Dr May Dupnaim but this has turned out to be a pseudonym for IJN's arch-enemy Prof Jampants Porridgiaty.<br /><i><br /></i><br /><i>It is very irresponsible feeding false stories to online publishing resources, </i>said Horse McWisker editor of IJN. <i>Imagine what would happen if it became commonplace for false information to appear on the internet.</i><br /><br />Prof Porridgiaty was unavailable for comment, but his secretary said: <i>Mwah ha ha ha ha. </i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-21819348374779682552011-12-30T13:05:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:19:59.984-08:00UK village world's most social placeButtminster Upsherve is the most social place in the world, according to new figures. Despite having only two residents, the small Wiltshire village has 28 Twitter accounts, 15 Facebook pages, 91 Linkedin profiles and a Google+ account.<br /><br /><i>I don't use a computer myself, </i>said Mr Upsherve of number 27, <i>but my wife is a major international hacker who makes her living by spamming people. </i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-55190533909080716322011-12-30T03:00:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:20:01.217-08:00Badges to combat fraudA new system of badges is being introduced to combat fraud. Con artists will wear the badges to warn the public of the dangers of having dealings with them.<br /><br />The badges, which will use foolproof laser technology to prevent fraudsters interfering with the design, carry the text: <i>Con man -- keep your distance.</i><br /><br />They can also be used as traffic signs in the village of Conman, Essex.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-75534294592990354032011-12-29T03:00:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:20:02.025-08:00Police admit panda car theftPolice in Catford Sidings have admitted a police car was stolen from under their noses. <br /><br />This was one of more than 4000 items that went missing from the Catford Sidings Police Station during 2011, leading some to question the efficiency of the force <br /><br />Items stolen from Catford Sidings Police Force during 2011 include:<br /><ul><li>A 1971 Ford Granada panda car</li><li>A 1954 Weaselwich double-clutch police tricycle</li><li>4021 traffic cones</li><li>Constable 219 Brian Jenkins</li><li>25 metres black rubber hosing</li><li>The component parts of a pedestrian suspension bridge</li><li>The pin numbers and all credit cards of Sergeant 104 Norman Frundle</li><li>41 boots, standard police issue</li><li>15 sets of handcuffs</li><li>One-off standard security glass frontage for police front desk</li><li>14 stray cats</li><li>1 unidentified dead body </li><li>A tray of small cakes to be used for celebrating the birthday of Constable 218 Bronwyn Fylincabinet</li></ul><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-736537454952112472011-12-28T15:48:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:20:01.910-08:00Cheese security riskCheese could be exposed to hacking as it moves to new technology, an expert has warned.<br /><br />With more and more cheese-makers moving to Windows 97 to run their cheeses, there are concerns that cyber criminals could take control.<br /><br /><i>This could see people opening their fridges to discover their entire cheese stock has been grated,</i> warned Prof August Bank-Holiday Secure Foodstuffs Inc. <i>People don't realise that these upgrades are putting the security of their cheese at risk.</i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-63847578075007995522011-12-26T10:20:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:20:01.485-08:00Boxing day protest fightsFights have broken out all over Catford Sidings in protests thought to be orchestrated by the <i>Put boxing back into Boxing Day</i> movement.<br /><br /><i>We believe these fights are being organised via social networking tools such as phoning each other up, </i>said Inspector Stuart Outlet of D Division. <i>There is never any excuse for violence on the streets, so we have been forced to break the fights up with baton charges and extreme force. </i><br /><br />Dame Lemon P Sniggerpig of the <i>League Against Boxing</i> also condemned the violence. <i>The best place for fighting is between relatives on Christmas day,</i> she said.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-71372097155603088982011-12-21T12:54:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:20:01.717-08:00Pianos could become extinct by 2014The virulent Japanese Tune Weevil is eating its way through the world's pianos at such a rate that none will be left by 2014, according to one expert.<br /><br /><i>We don't understand where these weevils come from or why they attack pianos, </i>said Prof Bang Upjob of the Institute of Weevil Watchers in Washington Lakes. <i>We may, in fact, be entirely wrong and there are no Japanese Tune Weevils at all. It could just be that someone has stolen all the Institute's pianos and we are obsessed with weevils. Mmm. </i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-43836542303253197552011-12-16T00:00:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:20:00.754-08:00Cat found driving trainA cat has been discovered driving an express train between London and Plymouth.<br /><br /><i>There are a number of things puzzling us,</i> said Inspector Tarrant Tular of the British Transport Police. <i>These include: how a cat acquired the necessary skills to drive a train; how it gained access to the 7:58 Plymouth express; what happened to the original driver. </i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-72505307585088829502011-12-15T16:44:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:20:01.794-08:00Building society break-inFifty-seven heavily armed men broke into the Catford Sidings branch of the Dogbath Building Society last night and deposited £14.58.<br /><br />Police are looking for 57 men with an unsuccessful business model.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-79134475800460778122011-12-13T21:30:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:20:02.064-08:00Meerkats won NationalThe 1993 Grand National has been declared void after it was discovered the winner was not a horse but rather 51 meerkats in a pantomime horse suit. <br /><br />The deceit only came to light this week when a meerkat was apprehended in a drunken state in the Smoothilicious Lounge Bar in Catford Sidings attempting to conceal a large cup.<br /><br /><i>It is not yet clear to us how 51 meerkats managed to coordinate sufficiently to outrun galloping race horses,</i> said Superintendent Spinch McGrooter of the Sports Fiddles Squad. <i>In some ways what they achieved was quite impressive. Perhaps they should get to keep the cup.</i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-337040859388292432011-11-30T15:36:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:20:00.447-08:00IJN used deceit editor revealsThe written evidence of Horse McTumbles, editor of IJN, to the judicial inquiry into press intrusion has been leaked by several plumbers.<br /><br />In his evidence, due to be given to the inquiry next week, Mr McTumbles admits to using deceitful and underhand methods in obtaining celebrity stories.<br /><br /><i>We sometimes copy our stories out from the newspapers,</i> said Mr McTumbles, a<i>nd when those are no good, we make things up. Readers may be surprised to learn, for example, that when we said Hugh Grant was an actor, we were blatantly lying. </i><br /><br /><i>The story about Sienna Miller and the frogspawn was also untrue,</i> he went on, <i>although it achieved the best audience figures we have ever seen.</i><br /><br />We would like to apologise unreservedly to Mr Grant, Ms Miller and the 4268 other celebrities affected by our subterfuges. We hope and pray that their lives have not been ruined too badly.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com