tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25724893028937682872024-03-14T08:11:19.197-07:00New International Journal of NonsenseUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-90501620617215922792012-03-28T15:41:00.000-07:002020-02-16T03:39:22.422-08:00Stress tax mooted<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5WH8jmwdNBKEUQKBr3O0roRWib1JTqXisLKUFT0QzagNicJILkOVkoZc1V9tZ_rU-m7vcUUKRbWLxe2M-rOXkhv95cOIEj-yWlochRPMldbg_a_4XpswRdIayE9WFEzINsxbsa4r2_8kD/s1600/finn-hackshaw-rSOdaQMmzd8-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1069" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5WH8jmwdNBKEUQKBr3O0roRWib1JTqXisLKUFT0QzagNicJILkOVkoZc1V9tZ_rU-m7vcUUKRbWLxe2M-rOXkhv95cOIEj-yWlochRPMldbg_a_4XpswRdIayE9WFEzINsxbsa4r2_8kD/s400/finn-hackshaw-rSOdaQMmzd8-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><br />The government is to tax stress in a bid to make us all healthier. The tax will work on a sliding scale, so that those who are most stressed will be at the highest tax level. <br /><br />Using state-of-the-art technology, people will be fitted with stress sensors linked via the internet to their bank accounts. As their stress levels rise above the threshold, they will automatically and instantly be charged in the appropriate tax band. <br /><i><br /></i><i>We believe this will have a hugely beneficial effect, </i>said Health Minister Andrum Fearmongerly.<i> People who are experiencing stress will be able to look at their bank accounts via a web portal. As they see their money draining away, this will incentivise them to become less stressed and hence their health will improve. </i><br /><br /><br /><div class="_3bJ2H CHExY"><div class="_1l8RX _1ByhS"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@finnhackshaw?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Finn Hackshaw</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/stress?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-2128204183043916722012-02-16T01:00:00.000-08:002020-02-18T01:13:41.005-08:00Seven ways to improve you lips<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgchOy9PdAGUU0O9-OGJ_Ppa9LIAtOlaCiYZng3zffs8UtaCq0QCSajTdbvdUuRBavp7aiwE4u78N2JBG6qPIWhUC3JuYG7wS62wA2G3GBF_igDdfE0KVcXI1J0i13BXMwQVCnP5tXWg3Tc/s1600/ian-dooley-k8OCHhEymME-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgchOy9PdAGUU0O9-OGJ_Ppa9LIAtOlaCiYZng3zffs8UtaCq0QCSajTdbvdUuRBavp7aiwE4u78N2JBG6qPIWhUC3JuYG7wS62wA2G3GBF_igDdfE0KVcXI1J0i13BXMwQVCnP5tXWg3Tc/s400/ian-dooley-k8OCHhEymME-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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In an age where lips are gaining increasing importance, beauty editor Eunice Indatcoat reports on seven ways you can improve yours*. <br />
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<ol>
<li>Replace them with wedges of Edam. </li>
<li>Exercise by regular gurning. </li>
<li>Apply a daily dose of creosote for freshness. </li>
<li>Rub them down with goose fat twice yearly. </li>
<li>Eat only rubberised canoes. </li>
<li>Smack yourself in the face with a frying pan once a week. </li>
<li>Stick mange toutes in your ears. </li>
</ol>
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*Note: applying all seven of these tips may, in some instances, lead to baldness or infertility.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@sadswim?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">ian dooley</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/lips?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-26478539955308704782012-02-10T06:47:00.000-08:002020-02-18T01:36:37.385-08:00Seven tips for dealing with winter weather<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYfogI1FzMqHoYK7ZLWCKhKejNQptTAOqrYMZyuSQvXD8tWhg-_dWklS9OiOSFI4UHiPdbx2zr-amiux6q1NRuDr6Pbr0mf_JW7ONU4LJV9nlDsheqh4LRzVvB6wqA2vgE2LQITOifsZel/s1600/tony-ross-LgZxmhKEmmo-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1070" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYfogI1FzMqHoYK7ZLWCKhKejNQptTAOqrYMZyuSQvXD8tWhg-_dWklS9OiOSFI4UHiPdbx2zr-amiux6q1NRuDr6Pbr0mf_JW7ONU4LJV9nlDsheqh4LRzVvB6wqA2vgE2LQITOifsZel/s400/tony-ross-LgZxmhKEmmo-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Here are seven winter weather tips from top weather guru Bananastew McFlurrit:<br />
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<ul>
<li>DON'T tie sledges to your feet and go shopping in an icy precinct. </li>
<li>DO take the engine out of your car to make driving safer. </li>
<li>DON'T travel naked on trains. </li>
<li>DO place a chunk of brie on each foot to help traction. </li>
<li>DON'T pour petrol on your sofa and set light to it to keep warm. </li>
<li>DO pack a pair of penguins if you intend to travel -- one for navigation, the other for luck. </li>
<li>DON'T pack a pair of penguins if you intend to travel. Putting penguins in suitcases is just plain wrong. </li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@tonyross?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Tony Ross</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/people-in-snow?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-72316970534654793992012-01-13T14:39:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:20:01.755-08:00Anti-allergy pizza launchedA new pizza for people with allergies has been developed by Man Mountain Megafoods. It has no cheese, no tomatoes and no pizza base. <br /><br />The Pizza Intolerenz is currently only available as a margherita but it is hoped to introduce other varieties in due course.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-23558062727100597962012-01-06T03:43:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:20:00.061-08:00Biscuits containing nuts "out there"Some types of biscuits may contain nuts, it emerged today. <br /><br />It is not known how many biscuits containing nuts may be out there but the numbers could be quite large. <br /><br /><i>The biscuits are clearly marked,</i> said Vernon Brasscasing, manager of the Taint supermarket in Catford Sidings, <i>but that's not going to stop some people going "euch nuts!"</i> <br /><br />In related news, it has been reported that some biscuits may contain lecithin. Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-36212381403809212832012-01-01T11:38:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:20:00.485-08:00The £3.50 summer holidayYour summer holiday may only cost £3.50* if you choose the stay-at-home option. Man Mountain Travel is offering to send you a bucket of sand which you spread in your bath and pretend you are at the seaside.<br /><br /><i>This is a great way for people to enjoy the luxury of a beach holiday without the expense, </i>said Peanut Beerankle director of home-holidays at MMT. <i>If they burn their flesh on the cooker and drink themselves senseless on ready-mix cocktails, many holiday-makers will not notice the difference. </i><br /><br /><span style="font-size: x-small;">* Note the price of the holiday does not include taxes, post or packaging, cocktail supplements, air duty, or insurance. The all inclusive price of an MMT stay-at-home holiday is £4271.38</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-17553894779430768042011-12-15T23:00:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:19:59.757-08:00False pregnancyA sixteen-year-old girl who was told by her doctor she was seven months pregnant actually had a cushion up her sweater.<br /><br /><i>I was totally devastated,</i> said Jemima Splatworthy of Lower Catford Sidings. <i>I knew I couldn't be pregnant because I had just put a cushion up my jumper. But what the doctor said left me humiliated and shocked.</i><br /><br />Dr Prattlon Ceaselessly of the General Medical Council offered this advice: <i>Young people... people of any age really... shouldn't put cushions up their jumpers immediately before medial examinations. It can lead to confusion or even misdiagnosis.</i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-62374036595650294362011-11-27T13:59:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:20:20.327-08:00Feta wrinkle cureTop models recommend feta cheese as an alternative to botox as a way of removing unsightly wrinkles, IJN can exclusively reveal.<br /><br /><i>Feta contains the essence of spirits from ancient Greece,</i> said Dame Daphne Stringwarbler, proprietor of the All Natural makeup shop in Catford Sidings. <i>These spirits take your wrinkles and make fairy dust from them. </i><br /><br />*<span style="font-size: x-small;">Note: since this story was first published Dame Daphne Stringwarbler has been admitted to the Catford Asylum for Lunatic Old Bats.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-51427245313587908092011-11-26T13:36:00.000-08:002020-02-18T13:20:20.174-08:00Cows learn to meowCows in Wales are being taught to meow as part of a programme to confuse badgers.<br /><br />The initiative, run by the University of Llanplank, is designed to discourage badgers, which can carry tuberculosis, from approaching cattle. It is thought that this may limit the spread of disease.<br /><br /><i>The main difficulty, </i>said Professor Dai Luffin of the department of animal noises, <i>is persuading cows to make the sound of a cat sufficiently convincing to confuse badgers. We selected the meow because it sonically similar to cows' natural utterances.</i><br /><br />Early research was successful in getting cats to moo, but this has turned out to have no practical value.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-68819948666755667942011-09-11T08:57:00.000-07:002020-02-18T13:20:20.560-08:00Bad breathe cureCheese may be a cure for bad breathe according to the Cheese Sales Board. On the other, the Institute Against Cheese says it causes bad breathe. Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-29585259036194889972011-09-01T13:58:00.000-07:002020-02-18T13:20:19.860-08:00Possible potato curePotatoes may be a cure for baldness. Of course, they may not.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-38828518338235437162011-08-30T17:51:00.000-07:002020-02-18T13:20:19.982-08:00Children: mobile phone health warningA series of tests conducted by the International Institute of Nonsense at its secret underground laboratories was designed to assess the potential health threats which the use of mobile phones may present to children. The results of those tests are presented here.<br /><br />While our scientists could find no absolute proof that mobile phones are dangerous, they did isolate five distinct cases where their use could present a health hazard. These findings have been sent to the government and we await their response. The five cases are:<br /><ol><li>If the phone is bashed repeatedly against a child’s forehead.</li><br /> <li>If the phone is accidentally connected to a high voltage supply such as the third rail of a railway network.</li><br /> <li>If the phone is heated to 5000C and then dropped in the bath.</li><br /> <li>If the phone is strapped to the front of a large commercial vehicle and driven at high speed towards a children’s playground.</li><br /> <li>If the phone is accidentally coated in butter and left lying outside a school.</li><br /> </ol><i>We are outraged that the government has not taken action in these areas to prevent unnecessary deaths,</i> said Chief Scientist Prof Tess Tetube. <i>Our experts have proposed that by encasing all mobile phones in lead and dropping them deep into the ocean, no little children need to suffer any more.</i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2572489302893768287.post-26625302377691682862011-08-30T17:34:00.000-07:002020-02-18T13:20:19.821-08:00Pain thresholdScientists researching pain have discovered that it is related to being hurt.<br /><br />In a twelve year programme that has involved hitting themselves with hammers, the researchers have produced some pretty conclusive yelps and one or two howls.<br /><br /><i>We are beginning to detect a pattern, </i>said Prof Whack McPlanak. <i>There seems to be a correlation between the amount of pain and the number of hammer-blows. This is very exciting. </i><br /><br />McPlanak claims that this new understanding may lead to significant medical advances.<br /><br /><i>For example,</i> he said, <i>we are beginning to suspect it may be a bad idea to hit yourself with a hammer.</i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com