Seven ways to tell if your cheese is spying on you

Following news that foreign powers are using cheese to spy on people, IJN's security correspondent Vim Bulpimple suggests ways you can avoid being caught out.

  1. Check your cheese to see if it makes any clicks or hissing noises. If it does, it may be recording your conversations. 
  2. Is there a circular piece of glass in one side of your cheese? If so, it may be concealing a camera. 
  3. If your cheese is ticking, that's a bad sign. It may be hiding an explosive device. 
  4. Quite suddenly, ask your cheese a question in Russian. If it responds then you know it speaks the language. 
  5. When you are out shopping, quickly turn around and look behind you. If your cheese is there in the street, it may be following you. 
  6. If you find your cheese attached to a USB socket on your computer, it may be hacking your data. 
  7. Does your cheese sneak into the attic and tap out Morse code on an old radio? If so, it may be reporting to Moscow.   

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