New International Journal of Nonsense

The BBC's Carol Kirkwood has been fired after predicting there would be no weather yesterday. In fact, there was weather extensively over the British Isles and parts of Northern Ireland. Bean Tomz of Pewford Ponz and communicated via satellite hookup to tell us: "we make too much of the weather in this country. I believe it should be banned altogether." A Mr Trumpf of America has been in touch to say "Carol is just great. She is the greatest of all Carols. She is the Boris Johnson of the weather channel. She has weathered so greatly for the benefit of all mankind." In other news, NonsenseTV has set up the NoWeatherChannel. It will be 24 hours of people standing in front of blank maps.

South Erst Trains reports delays after hackers built a fake station at Pewford Ponds. Travel is unlikely as the trains are made of cheese. If you are unsure whether you are travelling from a fake railway station, experts advise checking whether there are tracks coming out of it and if these tracks are made of conventional metal or cheese straws. British Transport Police say it's very difficult to stop hackers building fake railway stations as you have to spot the delivery of large quantities of building materials some of which are foodstuffs. South Erst Trains has rushed out a map showing all currently known fake stations. Passengers should avoid these as they are made of cheese and do not allow travel to any other destinations, despite appearing to be very convincing railway stations. The current status of fake stations

Teens in Wackfactor Natwack have used a 3D printer to print a printer. The printer they have printed will be used to print more printers. Some zebras are sporting horizontal stripes this season claiming they are slimming. This has sparked road-safety fears. Pillar boxes in Catford Sidings are to be painted yellow and bent slightly as part of the celebrations for British Banana Week. Parts of Wales are under several feet of rock tonight after being declared "hilly". Ancient geological activity is being blamed. More than 82.4% of zigs are followed by a zag, research by the Institute of Things has revealed. No-one knows why. Plans to make cheese rolling safer by replacing the cheese with howitzers have been branded as lunacy by Gloucester police. Airlines are to improve the flavour of tea at altitude by adding sponge fingers. This will also make the tea safer during turbulence. Photo by Dan Cook on Unsplash

Our top 7 ways to reintroduce extinct species is an environmental infographic sponsored by our partners Sidings Sludge for all your decimated wetland needs.   A small bear has become unaccountably stuck in a tree used for storage by Sidings Honey Ltd. The fire brigade have been called.   Almost 42% of tigers use * grrroar * as the password on their voicemails, 15% use * bouncy * and 5% use " frosties ". Matvian impresario Vladamir Tukmahedov is to produce a seven-hour musical based on the British weather for the the Farapma Opera House. One critic commented: I expect it will be drizzle.  Researchers have discovered a Mayan tablet which says everything will end on 21 Dec 2012 is actually a South Erst Trains press release.  A new fish and chip shop only for those who went to school at Eton will be called Know your plaice . A new fish and chip shop for those who received a comprehensive education will be called Cod do ...

 Planners of the Olympic Cake Village admit they had not foreseen so much rain in the run up to the Games. Sugar frosting has been abandoned. The large number of temporary repairs needed has caused a jam shortage which is threatening the Olympic demonstration sport jam jar lid removing on water buffalo. The Olympic Cake Village is an exact replica of Bendable Quackscratcher in Devon which is also made of cake. Photo by Misael Moreno on Unsplash

 A new law allows DIY store staff to enter people's homes uninvited with large cheeses shouting bratwurst, where's the bratwurst?   The law was originally intended to encourage people to make green improvements but was so badly drafted that it has given DIY store staff a range of bizarre rights over ordinary householders. Obviously, it is unfortunate, said Primo Stalefudge, head of government legal services, but we don't believe it will be a major issue, because only a very few DIY store staff are likely to want to exercise these new rights.  The law was fast-tracked through parliament and no-one, apparently, noticed the section on provisions for DIY store staff. Many stores are reporting an surge in job applications as news of the new law spreads.  Other rights for DIY store staff introduced by the new law include: The right to herd pigs through Battersea Power Station The right to wear pantaloons made from spaghetti on the third Tuesday in February The right t...

Catford Sidings is to introduce border controls between the town and the rest of the UK in a bid to stop trafficking in fake cheese.  It's getting out of hand, said Superintendent Puce McGrounding of the Fake Cheese Squad. We estimate more than £5m-worth of fake cheese is coming into Catford Sidings every year. It has to be stopped.  The border controls will be put in place at the north end of Fudge Street, half way along Wideacres and at four places on ring road. It is not expected to delay traffic by more than six hours. Photo by CDC on Unsplash

 Scientists have succeeded in making electrons from cheese in a development which could see the entire electricity network becoming cheese based. We created finer and finer parmesan graters until eventually we were able to extract individual atomic components, said Prof Chiara Expensivo of the Institutiano Italiano di Ciesi Experimento. Because electrons gather on the outside of a cheese, we are able to extract those first and so make electricity.  A full-scale cheese-powered electrical generation plant is some way off and Prof Expensivo admits there are still technical problems which need to be overcome.  The biggest problem we have, she said, is where is all the cheese going to come from.   Photo by Alex Dukhanov on Unsplash

Cheese always seems to be portrayed in a silly light according to an independent report into The International Journal of Nonsense's All Cheese Friday, held last week.  Cheese is a nutritious foodstuff which can be very beneficial if eaten in moderation, the report, by the Cheese Marketing Board, said. The International Journal of Nonsense seems to think it worthy only of base humour and we think that's a shame.   Speaking on behalf of the IJN, Cheese Editor Mr MN Tal responded: We agree that cheesestuff is a foodstuff. It's just that it is a very funny foodstuff. Also why does the Cheese Marketing Board keep putting the word 'stuff' on the end of food?  Photo by Alexander Maasch on Unsplash

All the cheese that's fit to eat: 17:59 Genetic scientists have created a mouse with its own built-in umbrella and called it the mozzarella. 17:02 Cheese is to be banned in the Houses of Parliament because some MPs don't appear to be able to use it responsibly. 16:24 Faluma Peatbog of Prump Wideriver has had a corned beef sandwich every day since 1941 but today she had cheese in honour of All Cheese Friday.  16:16 Tom Asparagus of Quinine Tasteby tells us he is celebrating All Cheese Friday by painting fondue on to his neighbour's geese. 15:44 Mrs Tharg of Spun tells us she has made cheese scones on the engine of a 1953 Austin A30. They taste a bit oily though. 15:38 Cheese supplies in Delia Smith's house are running extremely low because of world reaction to All Cheese Friday. 15:21 The US Republican primaries have been thrown into disarray as Monterey Jack enters the race and splits the cheese vote. 15:09 French cheese farmers are predicting a bumpe...

All the cheese that's fit to eat:  10:31 All Cheese Friday: Dutch cheese farmers uncertain about new technology have been told 'edamed if you do, edamed if you don't.'  10:02 After Prince Charles was gunked in goats' cheese, Welsh tractor drivers have been told to drive more Caerphilly  9:58 After a £10m research programme, scientists have concluded that cheese straws are not as effective as plastic ones.  9:57 It has been pointed out that the Queen says Cheese day comes after Monday but it's too late because it's already AllCheeseFriday  9:41 Firemen in Bulgaria have used cheese to smother a fire in a bread factory. In other news: The world cheese-on-toast record is now held by a group of fire fighters from Bulgaria.  9:31 A man who is attempting to eat nothing but cheese for a year has been told by doctors that he's crackers.   Photo by Shari Sirotnak on Unsplash

A new type of planet made entirely from cheese has been discovered just 181.6 light years from earth. Scientists at the Bamford Buggly Space Science Laboratories have confirmed that the chemical composition of planet g7483 is exactly the same as that of goats cheese. The discovery raises some fundamental questions about the nature of the universe, said Prof Nestor McFester of the BBSSL. For instance, how can their be a planet made out of goats cheese without their being some kind of giant goat out there?   Photo by Daniel Olah on Unsplash

In an age where lips are gaining increasing importance, beauty editor Eunice Indatcoat reports on seven ways you can improve yours*. Replace them with wedges of Edam.   Exercise by regular gurning.  Apply a daily dose of creosote for freshness.  Rub them down with goose fat twice yearly.   Eat only rubberised canoes.   Smack yourself in the face with a frying pan once a week.   Stick mange toutes in your ears.  *Note: applying all seven of these tips may, in some instances, lead to baldness or infertility. Photo by ian dooley on Unsplash

Scientists are at a loss to explain how a fragment of an asteroid which arrived on earth this week from Mars was found to contain traces of camembert cheese. As far as we are aware, there are no cheese-making facilities on mars, said Astro-physicist Prof Noodal Priertuck. This points to a secret French space mission that nobody knows about.  A spokesman for the French space agency Fromage d'Espace denied its involvement. We have not been putting the cheese in Martian asteroids, he said. We really do have better things to do with our time.  Photo by Jez Timms on Unsplash

Astonishing research has revealed that people's sandwich preferences are alliterative. This means brass band players prefer beetroot while chess players eat cheese. Cello-playing policemen like cheese and pickle, while bankers specialising in Levantine Trade eat BLT sandwiches. Finally the research has discovered that economists eat egg sandwiches while politicians eat pork. Photo by Gardie Design & Social Media Marketing on Unsplash

Following news that foreign powers are using cheese to spy on people, IJN's security correspondent Vim Bulpimple suggests ways you can avoid being caught out. Check your cheese to see if it makes any clicks or hissing noises. If it does, it may be recording your conversations.  Is there a circular piece of glass in one side of your cheese? If so, it may be concealing a camera.  If your cheese is ticking, that's a bad sign. It may be hiding an explosive device.  Quite suddenly, ask your cheese a question in Russian. If it responds then you know it speaks the language.  When you are out shopping, quickly turn around and look behind you. If your cheese is there in the street, it may be following you.  If you find your cheese attached to a USB socket on your computer, it may be hacking your data.  Does your cheese sneak into the attic and tap out Morse code on an old radio? If so, it may be reporting to Moscow.    Photo by Chri...

A duel between judges in the five best things ever awards ended inconclusively when the combatants ran out of pizza. Lord Wellington challenged fellow judge Hugo Iurwaii to a pizza hurling duel to the death in a bid to settle the deadlock over the five best things. Nightwear magnate Hugo Iurwaii remains adamant that jam, pyjamas, cheese, bees, and peas should be the five best things while Lord Wellington is entrenched in his view that dark horses, wellies, tall pies, quiche fights and grit should win.  At dawn this morning, the two met on Catford Marshes and began throwing pizzas at each from a distance of 70 metres. After two hours neither had scored a hit but both had run out of pizzas. Mr Iurwaii wants to declare the duel a draw while Lord Wellington believes it should resume tomorrow morning with fresh supplies of pizza. This started a new disagreement during which Lord Wellington challenged Mr Iurwaii to a second duel to settle how the first duel should be finished. The mat...

A new pizza for people with allergies has been developed by Man Mountain Megafoods. It has no cheese, no tomatoes and no pizza base. The Pizza Intolerenz is currently only available as a margherita but it is hoped to introduce other varieties in due course.

Cheese could be exposed to hacking as it moves to new technology, an expert has warned. With more and more cheese-makers moving to Windows 97 to run their cheeses, there are concerns that cyber criminals could take control. This could see people opening their fridges to discover their entire cheese stock has been grated, warned Prof August Bank-Holiday Secure Foodstuffs Inc. People don't realise that these upgrades are putting the security of their cheese at risk.

When we endorsed the Give thanks for Cheeses this Christmas campaign run by St John the Behaviouralist Church in Spam Road, Catford Sidings, apparently we misunderstood its intent. We would like to apologise to anyone who was offended.