New International Journal of Nonsense

The Pondstub Broonbase Examination Board is to introduce AS levels for badgers in a bid to keep Britain on a par with its European neighbours.  Germany has some of the best educated badgers in the world, said Prof Nutjar Crunchiwig of the PBEB, and our badgers simply cannot keep up. If Britain doesn't want to slip even further behind we need to examine our badgers properly.  If the scheme is successful, the PBEB will consider extending it to weasels and stoats in the hope of overtaking German and the rest of the world. Photo by Vincent van Zalinge on Unsplash

Movies date back much earlier than originally thought, with the discovery this week of Ancient Egyptian feature films. One film, created on transparent papyrus and dating from 2000BC, appears to show a badger wrestling with a dolphin in a dispute over the marriage of a bee and a snake (we're working off the hieroglyphic subtitles). Archeologists, digging near Alexandria in Egypt also found what is believed to be a very early version of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers . Photo by AussieActive on Unsplash

NonsensePop is to change its recipe to avoid having to put a slug warning label on its bottles. The move follows a new law in Leglength Spoonk which requires products containing slug, snails and wasps to carry a warning mark. We don't think the label is strictly necessary, said Lumpwich Brandoil, marketing manager for NonsensePop Holdings. People have been drinking our refreshing beverage for years and although many have complained about the taste of slug, no-one has ever died.  But insiders say harvesting slugs created a significant overhead for the company and it will save millions by switching to a chemical ingredient that simulates the taste of slug. Photo by Caitlyn Hastings on Unsplash

Middle-aged people are eight times more likely to wear slippers than those in the 18 to 30 group, new research has revealed. The Centre for Social Footwear's study also discovered that 15% of Britons think Doc Martin is a doctor. Photo by Amol Tyagi on Unsplash

The Nonsense Complaints Commission is to shut following a record number of complaints.  There was a fundamental confusion about our purpose, said Sir Leanings Westward, the outgoing chairman. People thought we were a Commission to which you could complain about nonsense. In fact, our purpose was to make complaints about nonsense to others. The Commission complained about nonsense twice. Once in 1973 and once in 1982. Since it was set up in 1968 it has received an average of 4000 complaints a year, all of which were discarded. If you wish to complain about nonsense, you now have nowhere to do it. In fact, it turns out you never did. Photo by Icons8 Team on Unsplash

Two electrons have collided on the Catford Sidings ring road thanks to unusual solar activity.  Police said there was a small charge as a result of the collision but no-one was hurt. Photo by Uriel Soberanes on Unsplash

A copyright case brought in Beijing by a British jam company has been thrown out by the Chinese court. The court said that Clatfod Fidink Indasrius Jim made by the Jum Dung Jim Corporation of Shanghai bears little or no resemblance to Catford Sidings Industrial Jam made by the Damn Fine Jam Company of Harditch Weaslings. It's a travesty, said Sid Numpty, MD of DFJC. Clearly the two jams are identical. Both are bright red and jammy.  Photo by Monika Grabkowska on Unsplash

Find out what the future holds for you with our handy cut-out-and-keep guide:  Aries. You will enter into complex banking negotiations and cause your ear to bleed with a ballpoint pen.   Taurus. You will bend over to pick up a spoon later and your trousers will split. Then a piano will fall on you.   Gemini. With Venus entering the third arc, you will experience a slight itch on your left calf.   Cancer. The world will seem slightly blurred until your remember to put on your spectacles. Then it will be fine   Leo. With Mars at its nadir, now is a good time to abandon your love life. Gales later, veering southerly.   Virgo. With Mercury in the ascendency, you will find one leg has inexplicably grown longer than the other.   Libra. A small mouse will eat your dinner of mixed pies but later you will find coal in your trouser seams.   Scorpio. A dark stranger will sell you a pizza but will return later to...

Chinese hackers were in control of IJN's computers for most of 2011, it emerged today. This may account for the large amount of pro-panda propaganda published on the website during that year.  Obviously we are surprised and distressed that Chinese hackers were able to break through our rigorous security measures, said IJN Editor Mr Horse McRacing, by working out that our password was *password*.   But IT expert Burring O'Lefart said that it was a disaster waiting to happen. I f they had taken my advice, they would have unplugged all their computers two years ago and buried them in a pit. If they'd done that we wouldn't be having this problem now.   The discovery leaves IJN with a dilemma, McRacing explained: Now we're back in control, we're not sure whether to publish a load of anti-panda publicity to counteract the effects of the hacking or to leave well alone and hope for the best.  Photo by Debbie Molle on Unsplash

Once again mammals dominate in the Institute of Comedic Zoology's official top seven funniest animals. The 2012 list is:  The buff Orpington duck  The Bolivian squirrel  The hoary bat  The Indonesian stink badger The Berabish camel   The western screech owl   The flat-headed kusimanse   Photo by Hannah Troupe on Unsplash

A man who claimed to have invented the dinner plate in 1953 has been exposed as a fraud.   Fraudster Gungho Pedestrian also claimed to have invented pianos, pastry, mattresses and surgical trusses, all in 1953. He was unmasked when he turned up at the Design Museum demanding a prize. Members of the public who come across this individual should be wary of any claims he makes to have invented things in 1953, said Superintendent Bracken Faceplanet of the Catford Sidings Police. Other than that he seems completely reliable.   Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash

The French are set to dominate the World Ski Championships after they discovered pastry is almost twice as fast downhill as conventional ski construction material. It has been a challenge baking pastry that is perfectly smooth and also ski-shaped, said Francois Swunsgreat, head chef at SkiTeamFrance. But now that we have, how you say, perfected it, we will be unbeatable.  The Germans are working on a strudel-based ski system in a bid to catch up but with little success so far. We are making our strudelskis too tasty, said Franz Izestillgonnawin of the Bavarian SkiVerks. Little squirrels come out of the trees and eat them before our skiers have reached the bottom of the hill.   Photo by Matt Pet on Unsplash

Cheese always seems to be portrayed in a silly light according to an independent report into The International Journal of Nonsense's All Cheese Friday, held last week.  Cheese is a nutritious foodstuff which can be very beneficial if eaten in moderation, the report, by the Cheese Marketing Board, said. The International Journal of Nonsense seems to think it worthy only of base humour and we think that's a shame.   Speaking on behalf of the IJN, Cheese Editor Mr MN Tal responded: We agree that cheesestuff is a foodstuff. It's just that it is a very funny foodstuff. Also why does the Cheese Marketing Board keep putting the word 'stuff' on the end of food?  Photo by Alexander Maasch on Unsplash

Kate Winslet is not a real person but rather a role being played by the late Sir Alec Guinness, the new improved SundayNonsense will reveal tomorrow.  It's very surprising, said our Hollywood reporter Gaatt Lingun. Sir Alec is a very great actor and if anyone could pull it off it would be he. But even his talent must be mitigated by the fact he is dead.  However, some Hollywood insiders say it makes perfect sense and have started speculating how many other actors are creations of the late Sir Alec. He played eight roles in Kind Hearts and Coronets, Lingun pointed out. So we could be looking for seven other Hollywood stars who are actually played by Alec Guinness. 

Scientists have successfully crossed a tiger with a shrew to produce a cat that burrows. It is expected to help control the mole population. Meanwhile, other scientists have crossed a mole and a rhinoceros to produce an animal that does *real* damage to your lawn.  It was highly irresponsible to breed a mole that could create havoc, said Jim Following of the Radical Gardiners League. We can only hope that the tigershrew breeds in sufficient numbers to wipe out the rhinomole.  Gas supplies in Furflung Nundings were disrupted for two days after an escaped tigershrew ate through a pipeline and the A24 at Pickles Jarring was closed after a tigershrew ate straight through a bridge. A 500m gorge has opened up Soonshire. It is thought to have been created by a colony of tigershrews.  The collapse of Catford Sidings hospital is being blamed on rhinomoles undermining the foundations.  Scientists are now working to cross a blue whale with a cheetah in the hope ...

All the cheese that's fit to eat: 17:59 Genetic scientists have created a mouse with its own built-in umbrella and called it the mozzarella. 17:02 Cheese is to be banned in the Houses of Parliament because some MPs don't appear to be able to use it responsibly. 16:24 Faluma Peatbog of Prump Wideriver has had a corned beef sandwich every day since 1941 but today she had cheese in honour of All Cheese Friday.  16:16 Tom Asparagus of Quinine Tasteby tells us he is celebrating All Cheese Friday by painting fondue on to his neighbour's geese. 15:44 Mrs Tharg of Spun tells us she has made cheese scones on the engine of a 1953 Austin A30. They taste a bit oily though. 15:38 Cheese supplies in Delia Smith's house are running extremely low because of world reaction to All Cheese Friday. 15:21 The US Republican primaries have been thrown into disarray as Monterey Jack enters the race and splits the cheese vote. 15:09 French cheese farmers are predicting a bumpe...

All the cheese that's fit to eat:  10:31 All Cheese Friday: Dutch cheese farmers uncertain about new technology have been told 'edamed if you do, edamed if you don't.'  10:02 After Prince Charles was gunked in goats' cheese, Welsh tractor drivers have been told to drive more Caerphilly  9:58 After a £10m research programme, scientists have concluded that cheese straws are not as effective as plastic ones.  9:57 It has been pointed out that the Queen says Cheese day comes after Monday but it's too late because it's already AllCheeseFriday  9:41 Firemen in Bulgaria have used cheese to smother a fire in a bread factory. In other news: The world cheese-on-toast record is now held by a group of fire fighters from Bulgaria.  9:31 A man who is attempting to eat nothing but cheese for a year has been told by doctors that he's crackers.   Photo by Shari Sirotnak on Unsplash

Grime Athletic footballer Nicholas Bentspiggot was travelling at 318mph in a shopping trolley laden with gas cylinders when he went through a police speed camera van. Bentspiggot pleaded guilty to a speeding charge at Catford Sidings Magistrates Court and was banned from using supermarket trolleys for five years.   Grime Athletic manager Glug Obierr commented: I don't care what anyone says, it could have happened to anyone. I'll admit the lad made a mistake when he lit that cigarette but he's sick as a parrot about it.   Photo by Jordan Koons on Unsplash

A new type of planet made entirely from cheese has been discovered just 181.6 light years from earth. Scientists at the Bamford Buggly Space Science Laboratories have confirmed that the chemical composition of planet g7483 is exactly the same as that of goats cheese. The discovery raises some fundamental questions about the nature of the universe, said Prof Nestor McFester of the BBSSL. For instance, how can their be a planet made out of goats cheese without their being some kind of giant goat out there?   Photo by Daniel Olah on Unsplash

A new breed of super-intelligent, genetically modified chickens is taking over the footwear industry, experts say. The shoeshoppo chicken is a biproduct of genetic experimentation in the 1990s and some of those which escaped set up their own shoe shops. Now it appears that a number of high-profile mergers in the footwear industry were actually made by dummy companies, fronts for shoeshoppo chickens. Major high street names like Dolcis and Clarks are now owned and run by chickens. It is deeply worrying, said Sid Cloggs of the British Footwear Industries Association, that chickens can take over an entire industry like this. I am very concerned that the chickens may extract all the value they can and then leave the British footwear industry in tatters. They have no interest in maintaining the formerly high standards of our industry. They don't even wear shoes themselves.   Photo by William Moreland on Unsplash