New International Journal of Nonsense

Pro-mattress protestors clashed violently with futonists in the centre of Catford Sidings this afternoon. No-one was hurt owing to all the padding. Some mattresses were singed slightly when a birthday cake was thrown, candles alight. One man was taken to hospital for precautionary tests after carrying a futon for three miles. He was reported as feeling "tired". Police say the town centre has returned to normality, despite the fact it has been nowhere near normal since the 1957 fudge wars. Photo by Randy Colas on Unsplash

Unions say the two-day tumble drier strike earlier this week had a significant effect on the fluffiness of towels in the Pewford Ponds area. They claim up to 50% of towels were more than 5% less fluffy. Our strikes are bringing home to the public how vital our service is, said Targ Mahal, leader of DRY, the tumble drier union. Meanwhile, management is claiming that only 1 in 6 towels remains damp as a result of this week's strike and that sock loss has fallen significantly. We're baffled as to what this continuing dispute is about , said Barf Mahandtowel of the tumble drier users' group Drierio. Both sides should work to resolve the dispute quickly so people can go back to normal levels of fluffiness. From SocialNonsense: Mrs Tharg of Lint Jammin says she is unaffected by the tumble drier strike as she hangs her smalls in the garden where they also scare crows. Bean Tomz tells us he was stuck in his utiiity room for 45 minutes this evening waiting for a towel to become dry...

South Erst Trains reports delays after hackers built a fake station at Pewford Ponds. Travel is unlikely as the trains are made of cheese. If you are unsure whether you are travelling from a fake railway station, experts advise checking whether there are tracks coming out of it and if these tracks are made of conventional metal or cheese straws. British Transport Police say it's very difficult to stop hackers building fake railway stations as you have to spot the delivery of large quantities of building materials some of which are foodstuffs. South Erst Trains has rushed out a map showing all currently known fake stations. Passengers should avoid these as they are made of cheese and do not allow travel to any other destinations, despite appearing to be very convincing railway stations. The current status of fake stations

  Climate deniers have rejected claims that some ovens are almost 200C hotter than they were this time yesterday. A company that made experimental trains entirely of paper has folded. MD Bargma Furmpting blamed inclement sidings in the Pewford Ponds area. Newspapers are firmly rejecting the idea that readers could return unacceptable news saying they don't have the recycling facilities. No wait. That can't be right... Wideleigh Harlank is expected to take a comfortable win against Miffuanian challenger Vlat Splat in this weekend's blancmange hurling. Atlantic/Pacific transport havoc was caused this week when a new un-untie-able knot was tested on string strung across the Panama Canal. Due to a specification error, South Erst Trains new platforms are 10 carriages high but only 4cm  long. Passengers are advised to try lying down on top of one another. Photo by Hello I'm Nik 🇬🇧 on Unsplash

 A building site in Wales has banned builders. 'They kept falling off the scaffolding and hurting themselves,' said manager Farley Barnett. The Ministry of Defence says that Dave's World of Reggae Badgers is interfering with its radar systems. It's thought the badgers are jamming. After over eighty years of fending off annoying customer phone calls, the Royal Mint is acquiescing and from Tuesday will sell mints. Members of the Catford Sidings Fat Club are to ask the government to legalise trifle, unaware that trifle has been legal since 1471. People who have booked a holiday to Spanner have been told it is a mechanic's tool and not an exotic country. After its five-year deep-ocean mission, the Institute of Things has revealed the bottom of the Atlantic is mostly made of sand. Britain's total borrowing includes 14 billion lawnmowers, 5 billion hedge trimmers, 9 million ladders and two cheese graters. Photo by Dominik Vanyi on Unsplash

The European Union wants to redesignate certain British jam as paint after it was found to contain mostly colouring and paint. The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint.  People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co. The Aesthetic Jam Co admits jam made mostly from paint is likely to taste a little painty. Photo by KAL VISUALS on Unsplash

Airport taxes are to be applied to bats who remain in the air more than four hours and who carry passengers. Airport tax already applies to fleas who carry more than 8 passengers but not to passengers who carry more than 8 fleas. Photo by Clément Falize on Unsplash

Everything you need to know to have a successful and fulfilling life, in twelve handy, bite-sized chunks. George Osborne is expected to deny possessing over 78 tonnes of unpasturised cheese.  The Olympic stadium, which was finished well ahead of schedule, has accidentally been taken down and put back in its bags two months early.   The Institute of Things course *Ethics for Senior Journalists* has had to be cancelled because of heavy sarcasm.   Scientists at the Institute of Things announce the discovery of a new particle. It was under a bench and they have called it *dust*. The particle *dust* is not the same as dust, scientists say: that would just be silly.  Choux pastry experts say it will be extinct by 2015. There are simply not enough choux trees left to breed successfully.   For security reasons, lion taming has been banned in London for the period of the Olympics. The synchronised lion taming is obviously exempt....

The Bank of Nonsense is to sack all its employees in a bold move to protect customers' investments.  No bank employee is trustworthy, said outgoing Chairman Mr Blooswade Choux, so we've decided to fire everyone, including myself.  In dismissing all its staff, the Bank of Nonsense will be making banking difficult for customers, but their money will be completely safe, it claims.  But in breaking news, it has emerged that the Bank of Nonsense's plan has backfired because they also sacked security staff. Photo by Paweł Czerwiński on Unsplash

 Ten vital up-to-the-minute news stories that will change the way you think:  The fly-past of geese over Pewford Ponds today, celebrating 150 years of nonsense, only managed two elements of the attempted N formation.  New documents published under the 50 year rule reveal that we were nearly invaded by aliens called the Emoticons in the 1950s.  This year's Catford Sidings marathon will only be 122m long because of roadworks on Grabb Street. Record times are expected.  A man who jumped from a helicopter using a bowl of custard rather than a parachute is recovering in hospital. The bowl was slightly chipped.  Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has announced a massive push for growth. He is currently 6'1 but expects to be 9'3 by Christmas.   Lost: one tin of Spam. Answers to the name Lucky. If you find him please call 0131 334 9171 and ask for Cam L Hump.  Catford Sidings natural history museum regrets to announce that a wild cat strike means there w...

 A plan for the new Greek currency to use marbles instead of coins has been rejected because marbles roll away and are too easy to lose. It wouldn't be the first time Greece had lost its marbles, said Prof Theo Marbilopolis of the Hellenic Institute of Coinage. Marble production, which had already started at factory in the Scottish town of Elgin, has been halted. Photo by Donald Giannatti on Unsplash

Lewisham Ponds Bus Service is to replace mathematics with spiritualism in a bid to make customers happier.  This means the No.54 to Catford Sidings will be rebranded the Healing Energy and will only accept payment in exact kindness.  Ph oto by Juan Encalada on Unsplash

Donors are granted special access to its biscuit cabinet, the International Journal of Nonsense has admitted. Groove Cameroon, owner of the IJN said that it was not the way the online information resource raised money and promised an internal inquiry in which everyone would be exonerated. Photo by David Greenwood-Haigh on Unsplash

  The Starbucks Pub in Lower Grumps has been threatened with legal action by a well-known coffee firm. In fact, the pub isn't named after Starbucks who sell coffee, said landlady Eunice Pewniss. We named it after our horse, Star, who bucks.  But lawyers for the American coffee company say the pub must be closed, the owners imprisoned and the building razed to the ground.  They also want a million trillion dollars in compensation. Photo by Louis Hansel @shotsoflouis on Unsplash

NonsensePop is to change its recipe to avoid having to put a slug warning label on its bottles. The move follows a new law in Leglength Spoonk which requires products containing slug, snails and wasps to carry a warning mark. We don't think the label is strictly necessary, said Lumpwich Brandoil, marketing manager for NonsensePop Holdings. People have been drinking our refreshing beverage for years and although many have complained about the taste of slug, no-one has ever died.  But insiders say harvesting slugs created a significant overhead for the company and it will save millions by switching to a chemical ingredient that simulates the taste of slug. Photo by Caitlyn Hastings on Unsplash

A copyright case brought in Beijing by a British jam company has been thrown out by the Chinese court. The court said that Clatfod Fidink Indasrius Jim made by the Jum Dung Jim Corporation of Shanghai bears little or no resemblance to Catford Sidings Industrial Jam made by the Damn Fine Jam Company of Harditch Weaslings. It's a travesty, said Sid Numpty, MD of DFJC. Clearly the two jams are identical. Both are bright red and jammy.  Photo by Monika Grabkowska on Unsplash

Chinese hackers were in control of IJN's computers for most of 2011, it emerged today. This may account for the large amount of pro-panda propaganda published on the website during that year.  Obviously we are surprised and distressed that Chinese hackers were able to break through our rigorous security measures, said IJN Editor Mr Horse McRacing, by working out that our password was *password*.   But IT expert Burring O'Lefart said that it was a disaster waiting to happen. I f they had taken my advice, they would have unplugged all their computers two years ago and buried them in a pit. If they'd done that we wouldn't be having this problem now.   The discovery leaves IJN with a dilemma, McRacing explained: Now we're back in control, we're not sure whether to publish a load of anti-panda publicity to counteract the effects of the hacking or to leave well alone and hope for the best.  Photo by Debbie Molle on Unsplash

A new breed of super-intelligent, genetically modified chickens is taking over the footwear industry, experts say. The shoeshoppo chicken is a biproduct of genetic experimentation in the 1990s and some of those which escaped set up their own shoe shops. Now it appears that a number of high-profile mergers in the footwear industry were actually made by dummy companies, fronts for shoeshoppo chickens. Major high street names like Dolcis and Clarks are now owned and run by chickens. It is deeply worrying, said Sid Cloggs of the British Footwear Industries Association, that chickens can take over an entire industry like this. I am very concerned that the chickens may extract all the value they can and then leave the British footwear industry in tatters. They have no interest in maintaining the formerly high standards of our industry. They don't even wear shoes themselves.   Photo by William Moreland on Unsplash

Executives at Man Mountain Enterprises have announced they will donate their bonuses to charity owing to the current fiscal uncertainty. Over £4m will be donated to the Man Mountain Executives' Benevolent Fund and the Man Mountain Executives holiday fund.  The shortfall created by the donation of the bonuses, said Man Mountain's chief cashier Adam Up, will be ameliorated by the supplement of additional salary increases.  Executive salary increases are expected to be in the region of £6m. Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash

Shareholders in Man Mountain Enterprises, publishers of the IJN*, have objected to the pay of the company's chief executive Mr Grool Inhillclimb. They say it is not enough. Mr Inhillclimb does such a wonderful job, said Mrs Tharg of Upcoming Programme in Kent who holds a 4p share in Man Mountain. We'd have to pay much more to ship in one of these executives from Eastern Europe.   Tom Wideface of Plankton Podbury who holds five (6) 4p shares in Man Mountain agrees. I don't really understand executive pay, but I think there should be more of it, if anything. You can never have too much of a good thing, can you?   Mrs Jen Till Inhillclimb of Man Mountain Towers, Catford Sidings, who holds 58,341 4p shares says People don't understand how hardworking these top executives are. They deserve to have their pay at least doubled and that's what I'll be telling the AGM.   *The Editor would like to take this opportunity to remind readers that the International...