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5 ways to cope

In difficult times, it is important to have tricks and tips to cope. Here are our top 5.
All the jelly in the world is unsufficient to cover over the enormous amount of sponge cake mankind has created, activists claim.Beards have been banned from running British museums over fears they look too much like they belong on Russian tsars. Moustaches are unaffected by the ruling.A judicial review into children is to begin tomorrow. 'Some of them are taking decisions,' said an anti-child activist, 'and that just cannot be right.'Smart motorways are to be renamed 'crash waiting to happen' under a new Department of Transport truth in signage initiative.Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants. Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill.


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Resorts send snow to skiers

Ski resorts have begun delivering snow by helicopter direct to skiers' homes in a move designed to protect the mountains from the environmental impacts of winter sports enthusiasts.

Although it is a massive undertaking, say Sled Piler of the Alpine Resorts Institute, it works our more environmentally friendly to take the snow to each skier rather than flying all the skiers and their equipment to the mountains. 

Former British downhill champion Barg Matipsonfire commented: It's great to have your own individual snow but my garden is completely flat and it appears to be too warm to keep the skiing surface in tip top condition.


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100% can't understand this quiz - can you?

Can you tackle our fiendish quiz and come out a winner? So far, 100% of people have failed. Are you smarter than everyone?
In algorithm news: fake news is now 17% more believable than real news thanks to "gullibility analysis", the Institute of Things has revealed.Protesters screaming 'there is no such thing as objective truth' have been rounded up and hurled into a grease recycling facility. A comedian who took his old bottles to a joke bank has been told he is "too meta”.A bug in the NonsensoWatch(TM) has allowed time to become jammed, its makers admit, so that some days seem to go on forever.An inflation error means Boris Johnson is now up to 4281 PSI. Experts fear for his life if he sits on a drawing pin.The latest UK borrowing figures show we're up to 4,289,512 lawnmowers and counting. The Prime Minister says we all have to give them back.



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News roundup may be fake ministers claim

A roundup of today's fake news may itself be fake, the government has claimed. Judge for yourself:

Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants.

Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill.

Hackers who hacked into the files of a hacksaw factory and found nothing of value say they’re ‘hacked off’

Violence broke out in the midlands town of Broogminger earlier after the local bus company rebranded itself ‘EasySock'

Levels of man-made stupidity will rise almost 63m by 2040, according to the Institute of Things, leaving many people living on flagpoles they’ve carefully balanced on two other flagpoles.

Religious punctuationists are calling for semicolons to be set alight and floated down a river of tildes to celebrate the year of ellipses.

An anti-stupidity vaccine, developed at the University of Quack Theories, has accidently been tipped i…

Presenter fired for lack of weather

The BBC's Carol Kirkwood has been fired after predicting there would be no weather yesterday. In fact, there was weather extensively over the British Isles and parts of Northern Ireland.

Bean Tomz of Pewford Ponz and communicated via satellite hookup to tell us: "we make too much of the weather in this country. I believe it should be banned altogether."

A Mr Trumpf of America has been in touch to say "Carol is just great. She is the greatest of all Carols. She is the Boris Johnson of the weather channel. She has weathered so greatly for the benefit of all mankind."

In other news, NonsenseTV has set up the NoWeatherChannel. It will be 24 hours of people standing in front of blank maps.

Fish incident leads to suspension

Nonsense News's Barfity Fargstring has been suspended after allegations she hit Eunice Pewness with a halibut.

The alleged incident allegedly occured just after then end of the alleged lunchtime news. Ms Fargstring had been spotted entering the Nonsense Newscasting building with a fish-shaped bag but denies that it actually contained a fish.

Ms Pewness was briefly stunned into silence following the event but was broadcasting again in time for the early evening news despite a few fish scales being apparent on the side of her head.


Mattress futon riots silenced by padding

Pro-mattress protestors clashed violently with futonists in the centre of Catford Sidings this afternoon.

No-one was hurt owing to all the padding. Some mattresses were singed slightly when a birthday cake was thrown, candles alight. One man was taken to hospital for precautionary tests after carrying a futon for three miles. He was reported as feeling "tired".

Police say the town centre has returned to normality, despite the fact it has been nowhere near normal since the 1957 fudge wars.

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7 heart-warming stories that will make you want to become a dirigible

Japanese donkeys predict the end of the earth as we are already up to Generation Z and there are no letters left for future generations.

Scientists analysing data from the planet Spanner say it is incapable of sustaining human life but it would be ideal for servicing scooters.

Face-tracking technology means sales of the NonsensophoneY are expected to be brisk among people anxious to keep track of their face.

Scientists at the University of Quack Theories have edited human DNA and come up with a bloke called DAN.

An extremely loud bassoon has been found responsible for unexpected speed bumps outside Flumford Philharmonic Orchestra's practice hall.

Thurg School in Prong has sent kids home for wearing nonsense instead of trousers 'We care more about uniforms than education,' the head said.

Villagers on the island of Lesbos have denied causing hurricanes although they have been spotted gathering and blowing in the same direction.

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Jaffa Cakes cause rift in cathedral time

The great clock at Willful Cathedral will need to be recalibrated after McVities announced it is reducing the number of Jaffa Cakes in a packet to 10.

For more then 800 years, the Willful Cathedral clock has used the Bishop of Splume's incredibly regular hourly consumption of Jaffa Cakes to tell time. Now the Bishop will run out of the tasty snack at 10 o'clock each day and the passage of time will remain unmarked.

It's not clear at this stage whether the Willful Cathedral clock will switch to a system other than Jaffa Cake consumption, or change to a 10 hour day. The Cathedral authorities say they are looking into the matter over a cup of tea and a bourbon.

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Tumble drier strike enters 7th week

Unions say the two-day tumble drier strike earlier this week had a significant effect on the fluffiness of towels in the Pewford Ponds area. They claim up to 50% of towels were more than 5% less fluffy.

Our strikes are bringing home to the public how vital our service is, said Targ Mahal, leader of DRY, the tumble drier union.

Meanwhile, management is claiming that only 1 in 6 towels remains damp as a result of this week's strike and that sock loss has fallen significantly.

We're baffled as to what this continuing dispute is about, said Barf Mahandtowel of the tumble drier users' group Drierio. Both sides should work to resolve the dispute quickly so people can go back to normal levels of fluffiness.


From SocialNonsense:

Mrs Tharg of Lint Jammin says she is unaffected by the tumble drier strike as she hangs her smalls in the garden where they also scare crows.

Bean Tomz tells us he was stuck in his utiiity room for 45 minutes this evening waiting for a towel to become dry enoug…

Fake station alert

South Erst Trains reports delays after hackers built a fake station at Pewford Ponds. Travel is unlikely as the trains are made of cheese.

If you are unsure whether you are travelling from a fake railway station, experts advise checking whether there are tracks coming out of it and if these tracks are made of conventional metal or cheese straws.

British Transport Police say it's very difficult to stop hackers building fake railway stations as you have to spot the delivery of large quantities of building materials some of which are foodstuffs.

South Erst Trains has rushed out a map showing all currently known fake stations. Passengers should avoid these as they are made of cheese and do not allow travel to any other destinations, despite appearing to be very convincing railway stations.


Record already broken

Barl Quarlmaral has set off to become the first man to cross the Channel on a baked bean tin, not knowing this was already achieved in 1947 by a housewife from Dingly Twettings.

Friends of the explorer say they became aware his latest mission to cross the Channel was a waste of time but didn't like to say anything in case he became disappointed. Mr Quarlmaral has failed in six previous bean-related record attempts.

From SocialNonsense:

Mrs Tharg of Grim Outwardly says she frequently takes a bean tin to the swimming baths but has never thought of going as far as France.

Bean Tomz of Stretching Credulity tells us he once planned to attach a jet engine to a bean tin but gave up on the idea because it was mad.

Eunice Pewness of Clueless Woodlice says she thinks it would be more appropriate to cross the Channel on a tin of peas. What can we say, Eunice?

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Top 5 ways to survive the Trump administration

Climate deniers have rejected claims that some ovens are almost 200C hotter than they were this time yesterday.

A company that made experimental trains entirely of paper has folded. MD Bargma Furmpting blamed inclement sidings in the Pewford Ponds area.
Newspapers are firmly rejecting the idea that readers could return unacceptable news saying they don't have the recycling facilities. No wait. That can't be right...
Wideleigh Harlank is expected to take a comfortable win against Miffuanian challenger Vlat Splat in this weekend's blancmange hurling.
Atlantic/Pacific transport havoc was caused this week when a new un-untie-able knot was tested on string strung across the Panama Canal.
Due to a specification error, South Erst Trains new platforms are 10 carriages high but only 4cm  long. Passengers are advised to try lying down on top of one another.

Photo by Hello I'm Nik 🇬🇧 on Unsplash

Top ten answers to everything

Teens in Wackfactor Natwack have used a 3D printer to print a printer. The printer they have printed will be used to print more printers.Some zebras are sporting horizontal stripes this season claiming they are slimming. This has sparked road-safety fears.Pillar boxes in Catford Sidings are to be painted yellow and bent slightly as part of the celebrations for British Banana Week.Parts of Wales are under several feet of rock tonight after being declared "hilly". Ancient geological activity is being blamed.More than 82.4% of zigs are followed by a zag, research by the Institute of Things has revealed. No-one knows why.Plans to make cheese rolling safer by replacing the cheese with howitzers have been branded as lunacy by Gloucester police.Airlines are to improve the flavour of tea at altitude by adding sponge fingers. This will also make the tea safer during turbulence. Photo by Dan Cook on Unsplash

Secret of eternal fluff found

The Institute of Things has discovered the secret of eternal fluff, although they say it wasn't really what they were looking for.

Readers who want to know the secret of eternal fluff should set their tumble driers to 'infinity' and wait.

Mrs Tharg of Lumpen Spagfart in her quest for eternal fluff has set her tumble drier to 'infinity' and wants to know low long it will take.


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Seven habits of highly effective nonsense

A building site in Wales has banned builders. 'They kept falling off the scaffolding and hurting themselves,' said manager Farley Barnett.The Ministry of Defence says that Dave's World of Reggae Badgers is interfering with its radar systems. It's thought the badgers are jamming.After over eighty years of fending off annoying customer phone calls, the Royal Mint is acquiescing and from Tuesday will sell mints.Members of the Catford Sidings Fat Club are to ask the government to legalise trifle, unaware that trifle has been legal since 1471.People who have booked a holiday to Spanner have been told it is a mechanic's tool and not an exotic country.After its five-year deep-ocean mission, the Institute of Things has revealed the bottom of the Atlantic is mostly made of sand.Britain's total borrowing includes 14 billion lawnmowers, 5 billion hedge trimmers, 9 million ladders and two cheese graters. Photo by Dominik Vanyi on Unsplash

Aesthetic jam threat

The European Union wants to redesignate certain British jam as paint after it was found to contain mostly colouring and paint.

The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint. 

People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co.

The Aesthetic Jam Co admits jam made mostly from paint is likely to taste a little painty.


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Seven more things we can learn from unicorns

Following his report on unicorns last week, Prof Barf McPenury offers seven more habits of highly ineffectual mythical beasts:
A loophole in computer design allows complete strangers to type euphemisms into your PC. The so-call "keyboard" cannot be deleted.Harrison Ford is to be replaced with Harrison Bridge after 7 cars and an ice-cream van were washed away by flood water.Walruses are demanding parity with seals even though their tusks burst a test balloon they sent up.The PM says there is no alternative to the economy. Replacing the economy with a circus is not practical, he believes. However, Vince Cable believes replacing the economy with acrobats and clowns may cure many of the country's problems and be fun.The Catford Sidings to Pewford Ponds high speed rail link is in doubt tonight after it was pointed out the rails should stay still and the trains should move.Cynics Anonymous has admitted that most of its members think it is up to no good.The World Council of…

Seven habits of ineffectual unicorns

We can all learn important lessons by studying the behaviour of the mythical beast, the Unicorn, Prof Barf McPenury tells us. Here are his top seven lessons from ineffectual unicorns:
Pewford Ponds Council says owing to a misunderstanding about the weather forecast, its lorries have been spreading Madeira cake on the roads. Athlete Prance Langstrum has admitted to using a bicycle during his events. "It's surprising no-one noticed," he said, "I was a high jumper."A government plan to give hedgehogs hot water bottles in the cold snap has been criticised by the Institute of Obvious Mistakes. A levels are to be replaced by Facebook photo albums. "These give employers a much better indication of future performance," an expert said. Up to 48% of Mars is made from cement according to a new poll of cement industry sales people. The other 52% is made of inferior cement substitute.The world wasn't ready for fondue home delivery by catapult according t…

What you missed

Ten important news stories you may have missed. Our round-up of all the information that is vital to know: 

World leaders meeting in Doha have agreed that, in future, there will be a climate. Whether that climate will be habitable is yet to be agree.  Detectives in Denmark have discovered their crime clear-up rate is entirely unrelated to patterns on their jumpers.A man in Bumbling Fatstumble has bought 14 plate glass windows. He misunderstood the term 'window shopping'.  By 494 to 6, the International Athletics Board has rejected proposals to rename marathons as Snickers. The US is to ban children and teachers from schools. That way the only people in there will be crazed gunmen, simplifying law enforcement.  Owing to inclement weather, the English Channel is flooded all the way across, P&O Ferries has announced. 2013 has been cancelled, South Erst Trains has announced. Customers wishing to travel should seek an alternative year. 1492 was good.  Stationery supplies are…