Seven ways to make a million

Seven ways to make a million dollars -- everything you need to know right here:

The international symbol of distress is to be changed from an upside-down flag to twenty empty gin bottles.
Dave Stumps is to leave Radio Nonsense after 47 years on the Breakfast Show. Audience research showed he was really annoying people.
Road painters in Pewford Ponds have accidentally painted a road straight over the Methodist church. It cuts ten minutes off most people's journey.
A man who turned up with 48 wooden posts and some wire has been excluded from Pewford Ponds Fencing Championships.
The UN has declared Catford Sidings an area of outstanding natural ingredients, apparently unaware the last custard factory closed in 1974.
Prof Jam Spatula of the Institute of Things has warned that we only have 20 years supply of cake left based on calculations using curves.
Safety concerns have been raised about government plans to replace train drivers with camels in the event of an emergency.

Duck for president bid fails

A last minute third-candidate bid for US President from Daffy Duck failed when it emerged he was born in Kenya. Ridicule is the burden of genius, Mr Duck commented. Can you imagine anything so ridiculous as majority rule? Meanwhile, Americans are left with a choice between the lesser of two evils. Polls have the voters balanced neck-and-neck between a president who is useless and a a president who is bonkers. American democracy is a beautiful thing, said one passer-by we latched on to in Washington DC. It just shows that anyone can become president who can raise a billion dollars in campaign funds. A spokesperson for the American Institute of Total Warfare which represents the arms industry said We haven't really made up our minds yet. We've been impressed by how much money President Obama has spent in warfare but we're wondering what we can achieve if we put a real looney in charge. Photo by Kris Mikael Krister on Unsplash

Resorts send snow to skiers

Ski resorts have begun delivering snow by helicopter direct to skiers' homes in a move designed to protect the mountains from the environmental impacts of winter sports enthusiasts. Although it is a massive undertaking, say Sled Piler of the Alpine Resorts Institute, it works our more environmentally friendly to take the snow to each skier rather than flying all the skiers and their equipment to the mountains. Former British downhill champion Barg Matipsonfire commented: It's great to have your own individual snow but my garden is completely flat and it appears to be too warm to keep the skiing surface in tip top condition. Photo by Maarten Duineveld on Unsplash

Aesthetic jam threat

The European Union wants to redesignate certain British jam as paint after it was found to contain mostly colouring and paint. The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint. People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co. The Aesthetic Jam Co admits jam made mostly from paint is likely to taste a little painty. Photo by KAL VISUALS on Unsplash

New International Journal of Nonsense