Seven ways to make a million

Seven ways to make a million dollars -- everything you need to know right here:
  1. The international symbol of distress is to be changed from an upside-down flag to twenty empty gin bottles. 
  2. Dave Stumps is to leave Radio Nonsense after 47 years on the Breakfast Show. Audience research showed he was really annoying people. 
  3. Road painters in Pewford Ponds have accidentally painted a road straight over the Methodist church. It cuts ten minutes off most people's journey. 
  4. A man who turned up with 48 wooden posts and some wire has been excluded from Pewford Ponds Fencing Championships. 
  5. The UN has declared Catford Sidings an area of outstanding natural ingredients, apparently unaware the last custard factory closed in 1974.  
  6. Prof Jam Spatula of the Institute of Things has warned that we only have 20 years supply of cake left based on calculations using curves. 
  7. Safety concerns have been raised about government plans to replace train drivers with camels in the event of an emergency. 
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