Seven ways to make a million dollars -- everything you need to know right here:
- The international symbol of distress is to be changed from an upside-down flag to twenty empty gin bottles.
- Dave Stumps is to leave Radio Nonsense after 47 years on the Breakfast Show. Audience research showed he was really annoying people.
- Road painters in Pewford Ponds have accidentally painted a road straight over the Methodist church. It cuts ten minutes off most people's journey.
- A man who turned up with 48 wooden posts and some wire has been excluded from Pewford Ponds Fencing Championships.
- The UN has declared Catford Sidings an area of outstanding natural ingredients, apparently unaware the last custard factory closed in 1974.
- Prof Jam Spatula of the Institute of Things has warned that we only have 20 years supply of cake left based on calculations using curves.
- Safety concerns have been raised about government plans to replace train drivers with camels in the event of an emergency.