Pizza eradication

Over 12 hectares of pizza forest have been destroyed by the Guatemala government in a clamp-down on out-of-season pizza farming.

Unfortunately, pizza trees do not burn well so Guatemalan troops have instead been hosing them down with Thousand Island dressing. This makes the pizza crop unsaleable.

The official pizza season only lasts one day -- 8 January -- tempting farmers to harvest at other, illegal, times of year.

Some of the farmers are getting very clever, said Colonel Manuel des Haynes, commanding officer of the Pizza Combat Brigade. They try to disguise their pizzas as pineapples and then sell them as Hawaiians. But they don't fool us. We spit on their Hawaiian pizzas.

Speaking for the League to Extend the Pizza Season, Miss Terri P Tiza said: It is cruel to take the livelihood of these poor people because of arbitrary season regulations. Many of them will be forced into a life of illicit cheezywotsit farming.

Resorts send snow to skiers

Ski resorts have begun delivering snow by helicopter direct to skiers' homes in a move designed to protect the mountains from the environmental impacts of winter sports enthusiasts. Although it is a massive undertaking, say Sled Piler of the Alpine Resorts Institute, it works our more environmentally friendly to take the snow to each skier rather than flying all the skiers and their equipment to the mountains. Former British downhill champion Barg Matipsonfire commented: It's great to have your own individual snow but my garden is completely flat and it appears to be too warm to keep the skiing surface in tip top condition. Photo by Maarten Duineveld on Unsplash

Duck for president bid fails

A last minute third-candidate bid for US President from Daffy Duck failed when it emerged he was born in Kenya. Ridicule is the burden of genius, Mr Duck commented. Can you imagine anything so ridiculous as majority rule? Meanwhile, Americans are left with a choice between the lesser of two evils. Polls have the voters balanced neck-and-neck between a president who is useless and a a president who is bonkers. American democracy is a beautiful thing, said one passer-by we latched on to in Washington DC. It just shows that anyone can become president who can raise a billion dollars in campaign funds. A spokesperson for the American Institute of Total Warfare which represents the arms industry said We haven't really made up our minds yet. We've been impressed by how much money President Obama has spent in warfare but we're wondering what we can achieve if we put a real looney in charge. Photo by Kris Mikael Krister on Unsplash

Aesthetic jam threat

The European Union wants to redesignate certain British jam as paint after it was found to contain mostly colouring and paint. The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint. People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co. The Aesthetic Jam Co admits jam made mostly from paint is likely to taste a little painty. Photo by KAL VISUALS on Unsplash

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