Pizza delivery system goes with a bang

Trials of a new jet-pack pizza delivery system have left Ipswich covered in tiny bits of tomato, mozzarella and a variety of other toppings.

It's outrageous, said Mrs Jean Therapy of Ningwitch Gardens, Ipswich. I spent all of Thursday evening scraping pineapple chunks off my pebble-dashed frontage.

But Ace Pizza who have been trialling the new system are unrepentant.

We have had a few teething problems that resulted in mid-air pizza explosions, admitted a spokesperson, but we will get it right. The benefits are astonishing. Pizza can be baked while it is being delivered at five times the speed of sound. For most people this means their pizza will arrive in less time than it takes to hang up after ordering and walk to their front door.

But the authorities are threatening to ban further trials.

We are very proud that Ipswich is at the forefront of high-velocity pizza delivery, said the town's mayor Mr Grap L Engiron. But these explosions have to stop. That's the long and short of it.

Aesthetic jam threat

The European Union wants to redesignate certain British jam as paint after it was found to contain mostly colouring and paint. The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint. People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co. The Aesthetic Jam Co admits jam made mostly from paint is likely to taste a little painty. Photo by KAL VISUALS on Unsplash

Duck for president bid fails

A last minute third-candidate bid for US President from Daffy Duck failed when it emerged he was born in Kenya. Ridicule is the burden of genius, Mr Duck commented. Can you imagine anything so ridiculous as majority rule? Meanwhile, Americans are left with a choice between the lesser of two evils. Polls have the voters balanced neck-and-neck between a president who is useless and a a president who is bonkers. American democracy is a beautiful thing, said one passer-by we latched on to in Washington DC. It just shows that anyone can become president who can raise a billion dollars in campaign funds. A spokesperson for the American Institute of Total Warfare which represents the arms industry said We haven't really made up our minds yet. We've been impressed by how much money President Obama has spent in warfare but we're wondering what we can achieve if we put a real looney in charge. Photo by Kris Mikael Krister on Unsplash

Top ten answers to everything

Teens in Wackfactor Natwack have used a 3D printer to print a printer. The printer they have printed will be used to print more printers. Some zebras are sporting horizontal stripes this season claiming they are slimming. This has sparked road-safety fears. Pillar boxes in Catford Sidings are to be painted yellow and bent slightly as part of the celebrations for British Banana Week. Parts of Wales are under several feet of rock tonight after being declared "hilly". Ancient geological activity is being blamed. More than 82.4% of zigs are followed by a zag, research by the Institute of Things has revealed. No-one knows why. Plans to make cheese rolling safer by replacing the cheese with howitzers have been branded as lunacy by Gloucester police. Airlines are to improve the flavour of tea at altitude by adding sponge fingers. This will also make the tea safer during turbulence. Photo by Dan Cook on Unsplash

New International Journal of Nonsense