Pizza delivery system goes with a bang

Trials of a new jet-pack pizza delivery system have left Ipswich covered in tiny bits of tomato, mozzarella and a variety of other toppings.

It's outrageous, said Mrs Jean Therapy of Ningwitch Gardens, Ipswich. I spent all of Thursday evening scraping pineapple chunks off my pebble-dashed frontage.

But Ace Pizza who have been trialling the new system are unrepentant.

We have had a few teething problems that resulted in mid-air pizza explosions, admitted a spokesperson, but we will get it right. The benefits are astonishing. Pizza can be baked while it is being delivered at five times the speed of sound. For most people this means their pizza will arrive in less time than it takes to hang up after ordering and walk to their front door.

But the authorities are threatening to ban further trials.

We are very proud that Ipswich is at the forefront of high-velocity pizza delivery, said the town's mayor Mr Grap L Engiron. But these explosions have to stop. That's the long and short of it.

Duck for president bid fails

A last minute third-candidate bid for US President from Daffy Duck failed when it emerged he was born in Kenya. Ridicule is the burden of genius, Mr Duck commented. Can you imagine anything so ridiculous as majority rule? Meanwhile, Americans are left with a choice between the lesser of two evils. Polls have the voters balanced neck-and-neck between a president who is useless and a a president who is bonkers. American democracy is a beautiful thing, said one passer-by we latched on to in Washington DC. It just shows that anyone can become president who can raise a billion dollars in campaign funds. A spokesperson for the American Institute of Total Warfare which represents the arms industry said We haven't really made up our minds yet. We've been impressed by how much money President Obama has spent in warfare but we're wondering what we can achieve if we put a real looney in charge. Photo by Kris Mikael Krister on Unsplash

Resorts send snow to skiers

Ski resorts have begun delivering snow by helicopter direct to skiers' homes in a move designed to protect the mountains from the environmental impacts of winter sports enthusiasts. Although it is a massive undertaking, say Sled Piler of the Alpine Resorts Institute, it works our more environmentally friendly to take the snow to each skier rather than flying all the skiers and their equipment to the mountains. Former British downhill champion Barg Matipsonfire commented: It's great to have your own individual snow but my garden is completely flat and it appears to be too warm to keep the skiing surface in tip top condition. Photo by Maarten Duineveld on Unsplash

Aesthetic jam threat

The European Union wants to redesignate certain British jam as paint after it was found to contain mostly colouring and paint. The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint. People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co. The Aesthetic Jam Co admits jam made mostly from paint is likely to taste a little painty. Photo by KAL VISUALS on Unsplash

New International Journal of Nonsense