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10 things women don't want for Christmas

  1. A year's supply of lard
  2. Pubic hair knitted into sexy lingerie
  3. Four tonnes of sharp sand in the living room
  4. A contraption that automatically raises the toilet seat so it will be ready for the next user
  5. Cement ear muffs
  6. Highly flammable cardis
  7. A hat with built-in Scalectrix
  8. A mirror that laughs when they go into the bathroom
  9. A day out at Catford Mudflats
  10. Aftershave

Apologies for the late running of this article. We hope it does not leave too many gentlemen rethinking their last-minute Christmas shopping.

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