Social valuation at all-time high

The world's premier social newtwork SocialNonsense has been valued at over $7 prior to its floatation.

SocialNonsense has found a unique niche by targeting users who are newts rather than human beings, said Princely Summ, Director of the Social Foundation of Largs. Their strategy of targeting amphibians will really pay off if the earth floods.

But the social newtwork's plans for floatation have been misunderstood, according to its Head of Slime Strategy, Graas E Knoll. People have become confused, he said. They think we intend to float on the New York Stock Exchange but, in fact, it contains very little water. Therefore we plan to float in New York Harbour where water is plentiful and floating is rather easier.

Aesthetic jam threat

The European Union wants to redesignate certain British jam as paint after it was found to contain mostly colouring and paint. The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint. People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co. The Aesthetic Jam Co admits jam made mostly from paint is likely to taste a little painty. Photo by KAL VISUALS on Unsplash

Top ten answers to everything

Teens in Wackfactor Natwack have used a 3D printer to print a printer. The printer they have printed will be used to print more printers. Some zebras are sporting horizontal stripes this season claiming they are slimming. This has sparked road-safety fears. Pillar boxes in Catford Sidings are to be painted yellow and bent slightly as part of the celebrations for British Banana Week. Parts of Wales are under several feet of rock tonight after being declared "hilly". Ancient geological activity is being blamed. More than 82.4% of zigs are followed by a zag, research by the Institute of Things has revealed. No-one knows why. Plans to make cheese rolling safer by replacing the cheese with howitzers have been branded as lunacy by Gloucester police. Airlines are to improve the flavour of tea at altitude by adding sponge fingers. This will also make the tea safer during turbulence. Photo by Dan Cook on Unsplash

Your daily Nonsensoscope

Find out what the future holds for you with our handy cut-out-and-keep guide: Aries. You will enter into complex banking negotiations and cause your ear to bleed with a ballpoint pen. Taurus. You will bend over to pick up a spoon later and your trousers will split. Then a piano will fall on you. Gemini. With Venus entering the third arc, you will experience a slight itch on your left calf. Cancer. The world will seem slightly blurred until your remember to put on your spectacles. Then it will be fine Leo. With Mars at its nadir, now is a good time to abandon your love life. Gales later, veering southerly. Virgo. With Mercury in the ascendency, you will find one leg has inexplicably grown longer than the other. Libra. A small mouse will eat your dinner of mixed pies but later you will find coal in your trouser seams. Scorpio. A dark stranger will sell you a pizza but will return later to steal your cheese. In your heart it will rain Sagittarius. The postman

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