Two-speed Europe 'dangerous'

The British prime minister's veto of a new EU treaty will create a two-speed Europe resulting in serious cracks in some areas, an expert has claimed.

Doctor India Propriateway of the Instituut Europeen de Proonz believes that if France and the UK move at significantly different speeds, fissures may open in the earth's crust and the English Channel may disappear.

I don't understand why Mr Cameron wants Britain to move at a different speed to France, she said. It seems like an extremely dangerous thing to me.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel said she regretted that the UK was not able to go along the same path as the rest of Europe. There is a danger, Doctor Propriateway believes, that Germany could collide with the British Isles at some point in the future, although she thinks Denmark may soften the impact.

I think it's right for Britain to say: 'Well, which bits of Europe most benefit us as a nation?', said Mr Cameron, and to focus on those things and I'm not frightened of the fact sometimes you might not be included in some things.

Duck for president bid fails

A last minute third-candidate bid for US President from Daffy Duck failed when it emerged he was born in Kenya. Ridicule is the burden of genius, Mr Duck commented. Can you imagine anything so ridiculous as majority rule? Meanwhile, Americans are left with a choice between the lesser of two evils. Polls have the voters balanced neck-and-neck between a president who is useless and a a president who is bonkers. American democracy is a beautiful thing, said one passer-by we latched on to in Washington DC. It just shows that anyone can become president who can raise a billion dollars in campaign funds. A spokesperson for the American Institute of Total Warfare which represents the arms industry said We haven't really made up our minds yet. We've been impressed by how much money President Obama has spent in warfare but we're wondering what we can achieve if we put a real looney in charge. Photo by Kris Mikael Krister on Unsplash

Resorts send snow to skiers

Ski resorts have begun delivering snow by helicopter direct to skiers' homes in a move designed to protect the mountains from the environmental impacts of winter sports enthusiasts. Although it is a massive undertaking, say Sled Piler of the Alpine Resorts Institute, it works our more environmentally friendly to take the snow to each skier rather than flying all the skiers and their equipment to the mountains. Former British downhill champion Barg Matipsonfire commented: It's great to have your own individual snow but my garden is completely flat and it appears to be too warm to keep the skiing surface in tip top condition. Photo by Maarten Duineveld on Unsplash

Aesthetic jam threat

The European Union wants to redesignate certain British jam as paint after it was found to contain mostly colouring and paint. The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint. People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co. The Aesthetic Jam Co admits jam made mostly from paint is likely to taste a little painty. Photo by KAL VISUALS on Unsplash

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