Catford Sidings announces independence

Catford Sidings has announced its independence from mainland Catford but some lawyers doubt whether this is constitutional.

In a shock move, Catford Sidings Parish Council announced independence at a lunchtime press conference.

We're fed up to the back teeth with being confused with Catford, said Council Leader Grim Opnorth. We're nothing to do with Catford which has been living off our oil reserves and comedy festival for years.

But not everyone in Catford Siding agrees with the change.

I've lived in both Catford and Catford Sidings, said Mrs Punice Shingshedule currently of Wide Sweepings. Quite frankly, I couldn't tell the difference.

I think it will be very confusing for the cats, said Sean Connery of the Bahamas. How will they find their way home. I do hope the council has thought this through.

I've looked at Google Maps, said Tom Tomnavigation of the Lower Crunch estate. I can't find Catford Sidings anywhere.

Resorts send snow to skiers

Ski resorts have begun delivering snow by helicopter direct to skiers' homes in a move designed to protect the mountains from the environmental impacts of winter sports enthusiasts. Although it is a massive undertaking, say Sled Piler of the Alpine Resorts Institute, it works our more environmentally friendly to take the snow to each skier rather than flying all the skiers and their equipment to the mountains. Former British downhill champion Barg Matipsonfire commented: It's great to have your own individual snow but my garden is completely flat and it appears to be too warm to keep the skiing surface in tip top condition. Photo by Maarten Duineveld on Unsplash

Duck for president bid fails

A last minute third-candidate bid for US President from Daffy Duck failed when it emerged he was born in Kenya. Ridicule is the burden of genius, Mr Duck commented. Can you imagine anything so ridiculous as majority rule? Meanwhile, Americans are left with a choice between the lesser of two evils. Polls have the voters balanced neck-and-neck between a president who is useless and a a president who is bonkers. American democracy is a beautiful thing, said one passer-by we latched on to in Washington DC. It just shows that anyone can become president who can raise a billion dollars in campaign funds. A spokesperson for the American Institute of Total Warfare which represents the arms industry said We haven't really made up our minds yet. We've been impressed by how much money President Obama has spent in warfare but we're wondering what we can achieve if we put a real looney in charge. Photo by Kris Mikael Krister on Unsplash

Aesthetic jam threat

The European Union wants to redesignate certain British jam as paint after it was found to contain mostly colouring and paint. The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint. People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co. The Aesthetic Jam Co admits jam made mostly from paint is likely to taste a little painty. Photo by KAL VISUALS on Unsplash

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