Skip to main content


Porridge gangs quelled


Outbreaks of violence between gangs who illegally sell porridge were quelled by Catford Sidings police last night.

Tensions were thought to have been triggered by death of porridge don, Grumpo Porridgioni who ran most of the porridge rackets in the Catford Sidings area.

We cornered a number of individuals who had been throwing illicit porridge at about 1am this morning, said Chief Inspector Bungo Envelope. For a while it was getting sticky out there, but then we called in the milk cannon.  

But some say the violence resulted from mismanagement by the Catford Sidings authorities.

It's time we legalised porridge, said Dame Navinia Throatswetch of the League to Legalise Porridge. Thousands of people use it. If we got it all out in the open we wouldn't be prey to these gangs.  

Possession of porridge is illegal in Catford Sidings under bylaw 4126b which has banned anything Scots since 1984. That was the year that a number of caber tossers ruined the Catford Sidings Fete causing outrage among leading Sidingonians.



Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Popular posts from this blog

Aesthetic jam threat

The European Union wants to redesignate certain British jam as paint after it was found to contain mostly colouring and paint.

The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint. 

People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co.

The Aesthetic Jam Co admits jam made mostly from paint is likely to taste a little painty.


Photo by KAL VISUALS on Unsplash

100% can't understand this quiz - can you?

Can you tackle our fiendish quiz and come out a winner? So far, 100% of people have failed. Are you smarter than everyone?
In algorithm news: fake news is now 17% more believable than real news thanks to "gullibility analysis", the Institute of Things has revealed.Protesters screaming 'there is no such thing as objective truth' have been rounded up and hurled into a grease recycling facility. A comedian who took his old bottles to a joke bank has been told he is "too meta”.A bug in the NonsensoWatch(TM) has allowed time to become jammed, its makers admit, so that some days seem to go on forever.An inflation error means Boris Johnson is now up to 4281 PSI. Experts fear for his life if he sits on a drawing pin.The latest UK borrowing figures show we're up to 4,289,512 lawnmowers and counting. The Prime Minister says we all have to give them back.



Photo by JESHOOTS.COM on Unsplash

Seven ways to improve you lips

In an age where lips are gaining increasing importance, beauty editor Eunice Indatcoat reports on seven ways you can improve yours*.

Replace them with wedges of Edam.  Exercise by regular gurning. Apply a daily dose of creosote for freshness. Rub them down with goose fat twice yearly.  Eat only rubberised canoes.  Smack yourself in the face with a frying pan once a week.  Stick mange toutes in your ears. 
*Note: applying all seven of these tips may, in some instances, lead to baldness or infertility.



Photo by ian dooley on Unsplash