Skip to main content

Porridge gangs quelled

Outbreaks of violence between gangs who illegally sell porridge were quelled by Catford Sidings police last night.

Tensions were thought to have been triggered by death of porridge don, Grumpo Porridgioni who ran most of the porridge rackets in the Catford Sidings area.

We cornered a number of individuals who had been throwing illicit porridge at about 1am this morning, said Chief Inspector Bungo Envelope. For a while it was getting sticky out there, but then we called in the milk cannon.  

But some say the violence resulted from mismanagement by the Catford Sidings authorities.

It's time we legalised porridge, said Dame Navinia Throatswetch of the League to Legalise Porridge. Thousands of people use it. If we got it all out in the open we wouldn't be prey to these gangs.  

Possession of porridge is illegal in Catford Sidings under bylaw 4126b which has banned anything Scots since 1984. That was the year that a number of caber tossers ruined the Catford Sidings Fete causing outrage among leading Sidingonians.

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Popular posts from this blog

100% can't understand this quiz - can you?

Can you tackle our fiendish quiz and come out a winner? So far, 100% of people have failed. Are you smarter than everyone?
In algorithm news: fake news is now 17% more believable than real news thanks to "gullibility analysis", the Institute of Things has revealed.Protesters screaming 'there is no such thing as objective truth' have been rounded up and hurled into a grease recycling facility. A comedian who took his old bottles to a joke bank has been told he is "too meta”.A bug in the NonsensoWatch(TM) has allowed time to become jammed, its makers admit, so that some days seem to go on forever.An inflation error means Boris Johnson is now up to 4281 PSI. Experts fear for his life if he sits on a drawing pin.The latest UK borrowing figures show we're up to 4,289,512 lawnmowers and counting. The Prime Minister says we all have to give them back.

Photo by JESHOOTS.COM on Unsplash

News roundup may be fake ministers claim

A roundup of today's fake news may itself be fake, the government has claimed. Judge for yourself:

Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants.

Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill.

Hackers who hacked into the files of a hacksaw factory and found nothing of value say they’re ‘hacked off’

Violence broke out in the midlands town of Broogminger earlier after the local bus company rebranded itself ‘EasySock'

Levels of man-made stupidity will rise almost 63m by 2040, according to the Institute of Things, leaving many people living on flagpoles they’ve carefully balanced on two other flagpoles.

Religious punctuationists are calling for semicolons to be set alight and floated down a river of tildes to celebrate the year of ellipses.

An anti-stupidity vaccine, developed at the University of Quack Theories, has accidently been tipped i…

Fish incident leads to suspension

Nonsense News's Barfity Fargstring has been suspended after allegations she hit Eunice Pewness with a halibut.

The alleged incident allegedly occured just after then end of the alleged lunchtime news. Ms Fargstring had been spotted entering the Nonsense Newscasting building with a fish-shaped bag but denies that it actually contained a fish.

Ms Pewness was briefly stunned into silence following the event but was broadcasting again in time for the early evening news despite a few fish scales being apparent on the side of her head.