Skip to main content


The US primaries explained

Things are tense in the US primaries, a system of random voting that America uses to decide who is unsuitable to be president when they have proper elections in November.

Viewed from undemocratic Catford Sidings, the system looks very confusing but actually it's quite simple.

The current president, Mr Obamarama scored 85% in a northern territory of American called New Hampshire. Confusingly,  Mr Obamarama was unopposed, leading one to wonder what happened to that other 15%. New Hampshire is nowhere near Hampshire. 

Although Mr Obamarama was unopposed, there were five other candidates. These people are called Republicans because they believe the Queen should no longer be in charge of America. Some people also call them losers. This is because Mr Obamarama is unopposed. 

Mr Obamarama is called a Democrat because he got most of the votes and so he is very keen on democracy. However, he must be wondering about that 15%.

New Hampshire votes second because it is the newest, most hampshirey state. Iowa votes first because New Hampshire owes it money.

Mr Obamarama won 100% in Iowa making him really really democratic. None of the Republicans had primaries in Iowa. Instead they went to the Caucasus, a mountainous area near Russia. They go there to find out about an election technique called vote-rigging which is very popular in the Caucasus.

All the other US States have primaries but these don't count for very much. New Hampshire and Iowa are the important ones. Then one Tuesday they have pancakes and lots of balloons. This is called super-Tuesday for obvious reasons.

We trust this makes things clear. 

Popular posts from this blog

Aesthetic jam threat

The European Union wants to redesignate certain British jam as paint after it was found to contain mostly colouring and paint. The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint.  People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co. The Aesthetic Jam Co admits jam made mostly from paint is likely to taste a little painty. Photo by KAL VISUALS on Unsplash

Duck for president bid fails

A last minute third-candidate bid for US President from Daffy Duck failed when it emerged he was born in Kenya. Ridicule is the burden of genius, Mr Duck commented. Can you imagine anything so ridiculous as majority rule? Meanwhile, Americans are left with a choice between the lesser of two evils. Polls have the voters balanced neck-and-neck between a president who is useless and a a president who is bonkers. American democracy is a beautiful thing, said one passer-by we latched on to in Washington DC. It just shows that anyone can become president who can raise a billion dollars in campaign funds. A spokesperson for the American Institute of Total Warfare which represents the arms industry said We haven't really made up our minds yet. We've been impressed by how much money President Obama has spent in warfare but we're wondering what we can achieve if we put a real looney in charge.   Photo by Kris Mikael Krister on Unsplash

Top ten answers to everything

Teens in Wackfactor Natwack have used a 3D printer to print a printer. The printer they have printed will be used to print more printers. Some zebras are sporting horizontal stripes this season claiming they are slimming. This has sparked road-safety fears. Pillar boxes in Catford Sidings are to be painted yellow and bent slightly as part of the celebrations for British Banana Week. Parts of Wales are under several feet of rock tonight after being declared "hilly". Ancient geological activity is being blamed. More than 82.4% of zigs are followed by a zag, research by the Institute of Things has revealed. No-one knows why. Plans to make cheese rolling safer by replacing the cheese with howitzers have been branded as lunacy by Gloucester police. Airlines are to improve the flavour of tea at altitude by adding sponge fingers. This will also make the tea safer during turbulence. Photo by Dan Cook on Unsplash