Weekend engineering works

Dark matter is delaying services between Struggletoe Central and Spanishkilts. An engineer has been sent for a lightbulb.

The points between Nincompoop and Dolt no longer join up. Passengers wishing to travel to Cementhead are advised to bring their own.

Engineering work at Gadawful Easterly has finished early because maintenance staff ran out of rails. No service for a week.

A small war has broken out at Francoprussian Junction. Passengers are advised to travel by naval superpower.

International Journal of Nonsense's Eye In The Sky reports heavy congestion around Mrs Paddlingwich of Thrutting Norbury. Avoid.

Cycles are not banned from the replacement skateboard service running today between Tottery Plywood and Stingbroom Junction.

Mrs Gruntfanding reports that her journey to Pollocknasty took only 4 mins longer than normal despite travelling only on the left rail.

A train has split its sides between Giggle Muchly and Pwah Halt. Long delays expected.

Engineering works reported between Tharg Pleasantry and Bringpies Junction. Replacement bungee jump service in operation.

Resorts send snow to skiers

Ski resorts have begun delivering snow by helicopter direct to skiers' homes in a move designed to protect the mountains from the environmental impacts of winter sports enthusiasts. Although it is a massive undertaking, say Sled Piler of the Alpine Resorts Institute, it works our more environmentally friendly to take the snow to each skier rather than flying all the skiers and their equipment to the mountains. Former British downhill champion Barg Matipsonfire commented: It's great to have your own individual snow but my garden is completely flat and it appears to be too warm to keep the skiing surface in tip top condition. Photo by Maarten Duineveld on Unsplash

Duck for president bid fails

A last minute third-candidate bid for US President from Daffy Duck failed when it emerged he was born in Kenya. Ridicule is the burden of genius, Mr Duck commented. Can you imagine anything so ridiculous as majority rule? Meanwhile, Americans are left with a choice between the lesser of two evils. Polls have the voters balanced neck-and-neck between a president who is useless and a a president who is bonkers. American democracy is a beautiful thing, said one passer-by we latched on to in Washington DC. It just shows that anyone can become president who can raise a billion dollars in campaign funds. A spokesperson for the American Institute of Total Warfare which represents the arms industry said We haven't really made up our minds yet. We've been impressed by how much money President Obama has spent in warfare but we're wondering what we can achieve if we put a real looney in charge. Photo by Kris Mikael Krister on Unsplash

News roundup may be fake ministers claim

A roundup of today's fake news may itself be fake, the government has claimed. Judge for yourself: Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants. Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill. Hackers who hacked into the files of a hacksaw factory and found nothing of value say they’re ‘hacked off’ Violence broke out in the midlands town of Broogminger earlier after the local bus company rebranded itself ‘EasySock' Levels of man-made stupidity will rise almost 63m by 2040, according to the Institute of Things, leaving many people living on flagpoles they’ve carefully balanced on two other flagpoles. Religious punctuationists are calling for semicolons to be set alight and floated down a river of tildes to celebrate the year of ellipses. An anti-stupidity vaccine, developed at the University of Quack Theories, has accidently been tip...

New International Journal of Nonsense