Weekend engineering works

Dark matter is delaying services between Struggletoe Central and Spanishkilts. An engineer has been sent for a lightbulb.

The points between Nincompoop and Dolt no longer join up. Passengers wishing to travel to Cementhead are advised to bring their own.

Engineering work at Gadawful Easterly has finished early because maintenance staff ran out of rails. No service for a week.

A small war has broken out at Francoprussian Junction. Passengers are advised to travel by naval superpower.

International Journal of Nonsense's Eye In The Sky reports heavy congestion around Mrs Paddlingwich of Thrutting Norbury. Avoid.

Cycles are not banned from the replacement skateboard service running today between Tottery Plywood and Stingbroom Junction.

Mrs Gruntfanding reports that her journey to Pollocknasty took only 4 mins longer than normal despite travelling only on the left rail.

A train has split its sides between Giggle Muchly and Pwah Halt. Long delays expected.

Engineering works reported between Tharg Pleasantry and Bringpies Junction. Replacement bungee jump service in operation.

Resorts send snow to skiers

Ski resorts have begun delivering snow by helicopter direct to skiers' homes in a move designed to protect the mountains from the environmental impacts of winter sports enthusiasts. Although it is a massive undertaking, say Sled Piler of the Alpine Resorts Institute, it works our more environmentally friendly to take the snow to each skier rather than flying all the skiers and their equipment to the mountains. Former British downhill champion Barg Matipsonfire commented: It's great to have your own individual snow but my garden is completely flat and it appears to be too warm to keep the skiing surface in tip top condition. Photo by Maarten Duineveld on Unsplash

News roundup may be fake ministers claim

A roundup of today's fake news may itself be fake, the government has claimed. Judge for yourself: Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants. Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill. Hackers who hacked into the files of a hacksaw factory and found nothing of value say they’re ‘hacked off’ Violence broke out in the midlands town of Broogminger earlier after the local bus company rebranded itself ‘EasySock' Levels of man-made stupidity will rise almost 63m by 2040, according to the Institute of Things, leaving many people living on flagpoles they’ve carefully balanced on two other flagpoles. Religious punctuationists are calling for semicolons to be set alight and floated down a river of tildes to celebrate the year of ellipses. An anti-stupidity vaccine, developed at the University of Quack Theories, has accidently been tip...

5 ways to cope

In difficult times, it is important to have tricks and tips to cope. Here are our top 5. All the jelly in the world is unsufficient to cover over the enormous amount of sponge cake mankind has created, activists claim. Beards have been banned from running British museums over fears they look too much like they belong on Russian tsars. Moustaches are unaffected by the ruling. A judicial review into children is to begin tomorrow. 'Some of them are taking decisions,' said an anti-child activist, 'and that just cannot be right.' Smart motorways are to be renamed 'crash waiting to happen' under a new Department of Transport truth in signage initiative. Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants. Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill. Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

New International Journal of Nonsense