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Weekend engineering works

Dark matter is delaying services between Struggletoe Central and Spanishkilts.  An engineer has been sent for a lightbulb. 

The points between Nincompoop and Dolt no longer join up. Passengers wishing to travel to Cementhead are advised to bring their own.

Engineering work at Gadawful Easterly has finished early because maintenance staff ran out of rails. No service for a week.

A small war has broken out at Francoprussian Junction. Passengers are advised to travel by naval superpower. 

International Journal of Nonsense's Eye In The Sky reports heavy congestion around Mrs Paddlingwich of Thrutting Norbury. Avoid. 

Cycles are not banned from the replacement skateboard service running today between Tottery Plywood and Stingbroom Junction. 

Mrs Gruntfanding reports that her journey to Pollocknasty took only 4 mins longer than normal despite travelling only on the left rail.  

A train has split its sides between Giggle Muchly and Pwah Halt. Long delays expected. 

Engineering works reported between Tharg Pleasantry and Bringpies Junction. Replacement bungee jump service in operation. 

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Aesthetic jam threat

The European Union wants to redesignate certain British jam as paint after it was found to contain mostly colouring and paint.

The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint. 

People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co.

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