Skip to main content


Badgers take Fray Bentos


Badgers have seized control of the south Atlantic island of Fray Bentos chanting the slogan pies in tins is wrong.

According to our badger affairs correspondent Freya Buntos, badgers have for some time been frustrated by their inability to get at tinned foodstuffs.  

This frustration has spilt over into coup d'etat in Fray Bentos, she reports. The island is uninhabited except for a canning factory and a small bar for workers. It is unclear how the badgers travelled to the island. It is thought that some of them may have come from as far as Catford Sidings.  

It is thought the coup was triggered when badger plans to develop a tin opener failed after international inspectors shut down their laboratories. It is believed the badgers developed a twiddly cog thing but couldn't perfect the cutting circle thing in their bid for tin-opener technology.  

International rules prevent the proliferation of tin-opening devices, currently restricting tinned food to just one species. Some believe squirrels have already secretly created tin-opening devices but because they live in communities closed to outsiders, information is scarce.   

Bats have had tin openers for years but cannot operate them with their tiny fingers. Also carrying tinned food such as Fray Bentos pies make them unstable in flight.



Popular posts from this blog

Aesthetic jam threat

The European Union wants to redesignate certain British jam as paint after it was found to contain mostly colouring and paint. The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint.  People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co. The Aesthetic Jam Co admits jam made mostly from paint is likely to taste a little painty. Photo by KAL VISUALS on Unsplash

Your daily Nonsensoscope

Find out what the future holds for you with our handy cut-out-and-keep guide:  Aries. You will enter into complex banking negotiations and cause your ear to bleed with a ballpoint pen.   Taurus. You will bend over to pick up a spoon later and your trousers will split. Then a piano will fall on you.   Gemini. With Venus entering the third arc, you will experience a slight itch on your left calf.   Cancer. The world will seem slightly blurred until your remember to put on your spectacles. Then it will be fine   Leo. With Mars at its nadir, now is a good time to abandon your love life. Gales later, veering southerly.   Virgo. With Mercury in the ascendency, you will find one leg has inexplicably grown longer than the other.   Libra. A small mouse will eat your dinner of mixed pies but later you will find coal in your trouser seams.   Scorpio. A dark stranger will sell you a pizza but will return later to steal your cheese. In your heart it will rain   Sagittarius. The postman

Top ten answers to everything

Teens in Wackfactor Natwack have used a 3D printer to print a printer. The printer they have printed will be used to print more printers. Some zebras are sporting horizontal stripes this season claiming they are slimming. This has sparked road-safety fears. Pillar boxes in Catford Sidings are to be painted yellow and bent slightly as part of the celebrations for British Banana Week. Parts of Wales are under several feet of rock tonight after being declared "hilly". Ancient geological activity is being blamed. More than 82.4% of zigs are followed by a zag, research by the Institute of Things has revealed. No-one knows why. Plans to make cheese rolling safer by replacing the cheese with howitzers have been branded as lunacy by Gloucester police. Airlines are to improve the flavour of tea at altitude by adding sponge fingers. This will also make the tea safer during turbulence. Photo by Dan Cook on Unsplash