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Top updates you need to read today

Updates are coming in that previous updates have been updated.

Reports coming in that horses have taken over the radio station in Iriphaphan capital. Could be the start of a coup. Could be horse play.

False alarm: the suspected Higgs' Boson found in Ms Umptionwick's sofa has been identified as a dried pea.

Earlier sighting of Higgs Boson turned out to be Boatswain Higgs of HMS Catford dancing violently at the Smoothilicious Grill and Nightclub.

Engineering works reported between Tharg Pleasantry and Bringpies Junction. Replacement bungee jump service in operation.

World Council wants to alphabetise days of the week for neatness. New order will be: Fri, Mon, Sat, Sun, Thu, Tue, Wed.

Mrs Tharg of Lower Spudbelly reports that her piano has been certified free of Japanese Tune Weevils but will only play Alphaville songs.

Mr Thumbs of Ipswich Battersby reveals that a substance resembling mascarpone has been holding his house up for 4 weeks.

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Aesthetic jam threat

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Resorts send snow to skiers

Ski resorts have begun delivering snow by helicopter direct to skiers' homes in a move designed to protect the mountains from the environmental impacts of winter sports enthusiasts. Although it is a massive undertaking, say Sled Piler of the Alpine Resorts Institute, it works our more environmentally friendly to take the snow to each skier rather than flying all the skiers and their equipment to the mountains.  Former British downhill champion Barg Matipsonfire commented: It's great to have your own individual snow but my garden is completely flat and it appears to be too warm to keep the skiing surface in tip top condition. Photo by Maarten Duineveld on Unsplash

Duck for president bid fails

A last minute third-candidate bid for US President from Daffy Duck failed when it emerged he was born in Kenya. Ridicule is the burden of genius, Mr Duck commented. Can you imagine anything so ridiculous as majority rule? Meanwhile, Americans are left with a choice between the lesser of two evils. Polls have the voters balanced neck-and-neck between a president who is useless and a a president who is bonkers. American democracy is a beautiful thing, said one passer-by we latched on to in Washington DC. It just shows that anyone can become president who can raise a billion dollars in campaign funds. A spokesperson for the American Institute of Total Warfare which represents the arms industry said We haven't really made up our minds yet. We've been impressed by how much money President Obama has spent in warfare but we're wondering what we can achieve if we put a real looney in charge.   Photo by Kris Mikael Krister on Unsplash