Your daily Nonsensoscope

Find out what the future holds for you with our handy cut-out-and-keep guide:

Aries. You will enter into complex banking negotiations and cause your ear to bleed with a ballpoint pen.
Taurus. You will bend over to pick up a spoon later and your trousers will split. Then a piano will fall on you.
Gemini. With Venus entering the third arc, you will experience a slight itch on your left calf.
Cancer. The world will seem slightly blurred until your remember to put on your spectacles. Then it will be fine
Leo. With Mars at its nadir, now is a good time to abandon your love life. Gales later, veering southerly.
Virgo. With Mercury in the ascendency, you will find one leg has inexplicably grown longer than the other.
Libra. A small mouse will eat your dinner of mixed pies but later you will find coal in your trouser seams.
Scorpio. A dark stranger will sell you a pizza but will return later to steal your cheese. In your heart it will rain
Sagittarius. The postman will deliver a letter incorrectly; when you take it to the right address you will find love
Capricorn. The road outside your house will be widened and a lorry will accidentally deliver cement on to your lawn
Aquarius. Saturn's gravitational force will suck you screaming from the earth's surface and deposit you in Croydon.
Pisces. Nothing much will happen today. Wait until you see tomorrow, though!

Aesthetic jam threat

The European Union wants to redesignate certain British jam as paint after it was found to contain mostly colouring and paint. The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint. People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co. The Aesthetic Jam Co admits jam made mostly from paint is likely to taste a little painty. Photo by KAL VISUALS on Unsplash

Top ten answers to everything

Teens in Wackfactor Natwack have used a 3D printer to print a printer. The printer they have printed will be used to print more printers. Some zebras are sporting horizontal stripes this season claiming they are slimming. This has sparked road-safety fears. Pillar boxes in Catford Sidings are to be painted yellow and bent slightly as part of the celebrations for British Banana Week. Parts of Wales are under several feet of rock tonight after being declared "hilly". Ancient geological activity is being blamed. More than 82.4% of zigs are followed by a zag, research by the Institute of Things has revealed. No-one knows why. Plans to make cheese rolling safer by replacing the cheese with howitzers have been branded as lunacy by Gloucester police. Airlines are to improve the flavour of tea at altitude by adding sponge fingers. This will also make the tea safer during turbulence. Photo by Dan Cook on Unsplash

Duck for president bid fails

A last minute third-candidate bid for US President from Daffy Duck failed when it emerged he was born in Kenya. Ridicule is the burden of genius, Mr Duck commented. Can you imagine anything so ridiculous as majority rule? Meanwhile, Americans are left with a choice between the lesser of two evils. Polls have the voters balanced neck-and-neck between a president who is useless and a a president who is bonkers. American democracy is a beautiful thing, said one passer-by we latched on to in Washington DC. It just shows that anyone can become president who can raise a billion dollars in campaign funds. A spokesperson for the American Institute of Total Warfare which represents the arms industry said We haven't really made up our minds yet. We've been impressed by how much money President Obama has spent in warfare but we're wondering what we can achieve if we put a real looney in charge. Photo by Kris Mikael Krister on Unsplash

New International Journal of Nonsense