Find out what the future holds for you with our handy cut-out-and-keep guide:
- Aries. You will enter into complex banking negotiations and cause your ear to bleed with a ballpoint pen.
- Taurus. You will bend over to pick up a spoon later and your trousers will split. Then a piano will fall on you.
- Gemini. With Venus entering the third arc, you will experience a slight itch on your left calf.
- Cancer. The world will seem slightly blurred until your remember to put on your spectacles. Then it will be fine
- Leo. With Mars at its nadir, now is a good time to abandon your love life. Gales later, veering southerly.
- Virgo. With Mercury in the ascendency, you will find one leg has inexplicably grown longer than the other.
- Libra. A small mouse will eat your dinner of mixed pies but later you will find coal in your trouser seams.
- Scorpio. A dark stranger will sell you a pizza but will return later to steal your cheese. In your heart it will rain
- Sagittarius. The postman will deliver a letter incorrectly; when you take it to the right address you will find love
- Capricorn. The road outside your house will be widened and a lorry will accidentally deliver cement on to your lawn
- Aquarius. Saturn's gravitational force will suck you screaming from the earth's surface and deposit you in Croydon.
- Pisces. Nothing much will happen today. Wait until you see tomorrow, though!
Photo by Josh Rangel on Unsplash