Your daily Nonsensoscope

Find out what the future holds for you with our handy cut-out-and-keep guide:

Aries. You will enter into complex banking negotiations and cause your ear to bleed with a ballpoint pen.
Taurus. You will bend over to pick up a spoon later and your trousers will split. Then a piano will fall on you.
Gemini. With Venus entering the third arc, you will experience a slight itch on your left calf.
Cancer. The world will seem slightly blurred until your remember to put on your spectacles. Then it will be fine
Leo. With Mars at its nadir, now is a good time to abandon your love life. Gales later, veering southerly.
Virgo. With Mercury in the ascendency, you will find one leg has inexplicably grown longer than the other.
Libra. A small mouse will eat your dinner of mixed pies but later you will find coal in your trouser seams.
Scorpio. A dark stranger will sell you a pizza but will return later to steal your cheese. In your heart it will rain
Sagittarius. The postman will deliver a letter incorrectly; when you take it to the right address you will find love
Capricorn. The road outside your house will be widened and a lorry will accidentally deliver cement on to your lawn
Aquarius. Saturn's gravitational force will suck you screaming from the earth's surface and deposit you in Croydon.
Pisces. Nothing much will happen today. Wait until you see tomorrow, though!

Aesthetic jam threat

The European Union wants to redesignate certain British jam as paint after it was found to contain mostly colouring and paint. The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint. People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co. The Aesthetic Jam Co admits jam made mostly from paint is likely to taste a little painty. Photo by KAL VISUALS on Unsplash

Resorts send snow to skiers

Ski resorts have begun delivering snow by helicopter direct to skiers' homes in a move designed to protect the mountains from the environmental impacts of winter sports enthusiasts. Although it is a massive undertaking, say Sled Piler of the Alpine Resorts Institute, it works our more environmentally friendly to take the snow to each skier rather than flying all the skiers and their equipment to the mountains. Former British downhill champion Barg Matipsonfire commented: It's great to have your own individual snow but my garden is completely flat and it appears to be too warm to keep the skiing surface in tip top condition. Photo by Maarten Duineveld on Unsplash

Duck for president bid fails

A last minute third-candidate bid for US President from Daffy Duck failed when it emerged he was born in Kenya. Ridicule is the burden of genius, Mr Duck commented. Can you imagine anything so ridiculous as majority rule? Meanwhile, Americans are left with a choice between the lesser of two evils. Polls have the voters balanced neck-and-neck between a president who is useless and a a president who is bonkers. American democracy is a beautiful thing, said one passer-by we latched on to in Washington DC. It just shows that anyone can become president who can raise a billion dollars in campaign funds. A spokesperson for the American Institute of Total Warfare which represents the arms industry said We haven't really made up our minds yet. We've been impressed by how much money President Obama has spent in warfare but we're wondering what we can achieve if we put a real looney in charge. Photo by Kris Mikael Krister on Unsplash

New International Journal of Nonsense