Your daily Nonsensoscope

Find out what the future holds for you with our handy cut-out-and-keep guide:

Aries. You will enter into complex banking negotiations and cause your ear to bleed with a ballpoint pen.
Taurus. You will bend over to pick up a spoon later and your trousers will split. Then a piano will fall on you.
Gemini. With Venus entering the third arc, you will experience a slight itch on your left calf.
Cancer. The world will seem slightly blurred until your remember to put on your spectacles. Then it will be fine
Leo. With Mars at its nadir, now is a good time to abandon your love life. Gales later, veering southerly.
Virgo. With Mercury in the ascendency, you will find one leg has inexplicably grown longer than the other.
Libra. A small mouse will eat your dinner of mixed pies but later you will find coal in your trouser seams.
Scorpio. A dark stranger will sell you a pizza but will return later to steal your cheese. In your heart it will rain
Sagittarius. The postman will deliver a letter incorrectly; when you take it to the right address you will find love
Capricorn. The road outside your house will be widened and a lorry will accidentally deliver cement on to your lawn
Aquarius. Saturn's gravitational force will suck you screaming from the earth's surface and deposit you in Croydon.
Pisces. Nothing much will happen today. Wait until you see tomorrow, though!

Resorts send snow to skiers

Ski resorts have begun delivering snow by helicopter direct to skiers' homes in a move designed to protect the mountains from the environmental impacts of winter sports enthusiasts. Although it is a massive undertaking, say Sled Piler of the Alpine Resorts Institute, it works our more environmentally friendly to take the snow to each skier rather than flying all the skiers and their equipment to the mountains. Former British downhill champion Barg Matipsonfire commented: It's great to have your own individual snow but my garden is completely flat and it appears to be too warm to keep the skiing surface in tip top condition. Photo by Maarten Duineveld on Unsplash

News roundup may be fake ministers claim

A roundup of today's fake news may itself be fake, the government has claimed. Judge for yourself: Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants. Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill. Hackers who hacked into the files of a hacksaw factory and found nothing of value say they’re ‘hacked off’ Violence broke out in the midlands town of Broogminger earlier after the local bus company rebranded itself ‘EasySock' Levels of man-made stupidity will rise almost 63m by 2040, according to the Institute of Things, leaving many people living on flagpoles they’ve carefully balanced on two other flagpoles. Religious punctuationists are calling for semicolons to be set alight and floated down a river of tildes to celebrate the year of ellipses. An anti-stupidity vaccine, developed at the University of Quack Theories, has accidently been tip...

5 ways to cope

In difficult times, it is important to have tricks and tips to cope. Here are our top 5. All the jelly in the world is unsufficient to cover over the enormous amount of sponge cake mankind has created, activists claim. Beards have been banned from running British museums over fears they look too much like they belong on Russian tsars. Moustaches are unaffected by the ruling. A judicial review into children is to begin tomorrow. 'Some of them are taking decisions,' said an anti-child activist, 'and that just cannot be right.' Smart motorways are to be renamed 'crash waiting to happen' under a new Department of Transport truth in signage initiative. Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants. Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill. Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

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