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Your daily Nonsensoscope


Find out what the future holds for you with our handy cut-out-and-keep guide: 
  • Aries. You will enter into complex banking negotiations and cause your ear to bleed with a ballpoint pen.  
  • Taurus. You will bend over to pick up a spoon later and your trousers will split. Then a piano will fall on you.  
  • Gemini. With Venus entering the third arc, you will experience a slight itch on your left calf.  
  • Cancer. The world will seem slightly blurred until your remember to put on your spectacles. Then it will be fine  
  • Leo. With Mars at its nadir, now is a good time to abandon your love life. Gales later, veering southerly.  
  • Virgo. With Mercury in the ascendency, you will find one leg has inexplicably grown longer than the other.  
  • Libra. A small mouse will eat your dinner of mixed pies but later you will find coal in your trouser seams.  
  • Scorpio. A dark stranger will sell you a pizza but will return later to steal your cheese. In your heart it will rain  
  • Sagittarius. The postman will deliver a letter incorrectly; when you take it to the right address you will find love  
  • Capricorn. The road outside your house will be widened and a lorry will accidentally deliver cement on to your lawn  
  • Aquarius. Saturn's gravitational force will suck you screaming from the earth's surface and deposit you in Croydon.  
  • Pisces. Nothing much will happen today. Wait until you see tomorrow, though! 


Photo by Josh Rangel on Unsplash

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