Skip to main content


Store staff get bizarre rights


 A new law allows DIY store staff to enter people's homes uninvited with large cheeses shouting bratwurst, where's the bratwurst?  

The law was originally intended to encourage people to make green improvements but was so badly drafted that it has given DIY store staff a range of bizarre rights over ordinary householders.

Obviously, it is unfortunate, said Primo Stalefudge, head of government legal services, but we don't believe it will be a major issue, because only a very few DIY store staff are likely to want to exercise these new rights. 

The law was fast-tracked through parliament and no-one, apparently, noticed the section on provisions for DIY store staff.

Many stores are reporting an surge in job applications as news of the new law spreads. 

Other rights for DIY store staff introduced by the new law include:
  • The right to herd pigs through Battersea Power Station
  • The right to wear pantaloons made from spaghetti on the third Tuesday in February
  • The right to seize people's mobile phones and grind them automatically into a paste

Photo by Phuong Tran on Unsplash

Popular posts from this blog

100% can't understand this quiz - can you?

Can you tackle our fiendish quiz and come out a winner? So far, 100% of people have failed. Are you smarter than everyone?
In algorithm news: fake news is now 17% more believable than real news thanks to "gullibility analysis", the Institute of Things has revealed.Protesters screaming 'there is no such thing as objective truth' have been rounded up and hurled into a grease recycling facility. A comedian who took his old bottles to a joke bank has been told he is "too meta”.A bug in the NonsensoWatch(TM) has allowed time to become jammed, its makers admit, so that some days seem to go on forever.An inflation error means Boris Johnson is now up to 4281 PSI. Experts fear for his life if he sits on a drawing pin.The latest UK borrowing figures show we're up to 4,289,512 lawnmowers and counting. The Prime Minister says we all have to give them back.



Photo by JESHOOTS.COM on Unsplash

News roundup may be fake ministers claim

A roundup of today's fake news may itself be fake, the government has claimed. Judge for yourself:

Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants.

Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill.

Hackers who hacked into the files of a hacksaw factory and found nothing of value say they’re ‘hacked off’

Violence broke out in the midlands town of Broogminger earlier after the local bus company rebranded itself ‘EasySock'

Levels of man-made stupidity will rise almost 63m by 2040, according to the Institute of Things, leaving many people living on flagpoles they’ve carefully balanced on two other flagpoles.

Religious punctuationists are calling for semicolons to be set alight and floated down a river of tildes to celebrate the year of ellipses.

An anti-stupidity vaccine, developed at the University of Quack Theories, has accidently been tipped i…

Fish incident leads to suspension

Nonsense News's Barfity Fargstring has been suspended after allegations she hit Eunice Pewness with a halibut.

The alleged incident allegedly occured just after then end of the alleged lunchtime news. Ms Fargstring had been spotted entering the Nonsense Newscasting building with a fish-shaped bag but denies that it actually contained a fish.

Ms Pewness was briefly stunned into silence following the event but was broadcasting again in time for the early evening news despite a few fish scales being apparent on the side of her head.