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10 ways to improve your life

Ten ways to improve your life than you may have missed (a round up from the Nonsense Twitterstream):  

  1. 15% of laybies are owned by the Church of the Discarded Sporran. It is thought to be an error relating to Church plans to buy up ley lines. 
  2. The Space Research Institute says strange lights in the sky over Catford Sidings are fireflies which have gained access to a trampoline. 
  3. In a radical solution to the third runway controversy, Harumph airport is to be closed entirely to make way for a railway station. 
  4. Researchers at the Tobbit Spanworth Institute say there may never be a cure for cyclism but its effects can be mitigated by stealing saddles. 
  5. People who wear cats as hats have been asked to stay away from the Ponsea Regatta after last year's fur ball fiasco. 
  6. For structural reasons, the 951 foot Catford Sidings 'tower of custard' will have to be built from shoe boxes the planning office says. 
  7. The citizens of Dagenham Ditches have voted 55% to 42% in favour of suet over ladders. The German government has refused to comment. 
  8. The chemical similarity between jam and plastic may have contributed to the great traffic cone factory fire of 1974, new research shows. 
  9. Consultancy firm BB Gunn Misfire Eyebrow Loss has banned use of the phrase "primordial soup" for fear of offending soup lovers. 

Photo by Isi Parente on Unsplash

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Top ten answers to everything

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