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10 ways to improve your life

Ten ways to improve your life than you may have missed (a round up from the Nonsense Twitterstream):  

  1. 15% of laybies are owned by the Church of the Discarded Sporran. It is thought to be an error relating to Church plans to buy up ley lines. 
  2. The Space Research Institute says strange lights in the sky over Catford Sidings are fireflies which have gained access to a trampoline. 
  3. In a radical solution to the third runway controversy, Harumph airport is to be closed entirely to make way for a railway station. 
  4. Researchers at the Tobbit Spanworth Institute say there may never be a cure for cyclism but its effects can be mitigated by stealing saddles. 
  5. People who wear cats as hats have been asked to stay away from the Ponsea Regatta after last year's fur ball fiasco. 
  6. For structural reasons, the 951 foot Catford Sidings 'tower of custard' will have to be built from shoe boxes the planning office says. 
  7. The citizens of Dagenham Ditches have voted 55% to 42% in favour of suet over ladders. The German government has refused to comment. 
  8. The chemical similarity between jam and plastic may have contributed to the great traffic cone factory fire of 1974, new research shows. 
  9. Consultancy firm BB Gunn Misfire Eyebrow Loss has banned use of the phrase "primordial soup" for fear of offending soup lovers. 

Photo by Isi Parente on Unsplash

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A roundup of today's fake news may itself be fake, the government has claimed. Judge for yourself:

Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants.

Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill.

Hackers who hacked into the files of a hacksaw factory and found nothing of value say they’re ‘hacked off’

Violence broke out in the midlands town of Broogminger earlier after the local bus company rebranded itself ‘EasySock'

Levels of man-made stupidity will rise almost 63m by 2040, according to the Institute of Things, leaving many people living on flagpoles they’ve carefully balanced on two other flagpoles.

Religious punctuationists are calling for semicolons to be set alight and floated down a river of tildes to celebrate the year of ellipses.

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Fish incident leads to suspension

Nonsense News's Barfity Fargstring has been suspended after allegations she hit Eunice Pewness with a halibut.

The alleged incident allegedly occured just after then end of the alleged lunchtime news. Ms Fargstring had been spotted entering the Nonsense Newscasting building with a fish-shaped bag but denies that it actually contained a fish.

Ms Pewness was briefly stunned into silence following the event but was broadcasting again in time for the early evening news despite a few fish scales being apparent on the side of her head.