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10 ways to improve your life


Ten ways to improve your life than you may have missed (a round up from the Nonsense Twitterstream):  

  1. 15% of laybies are owned by the Church of the Discarded Sporran. It is thought to be an error relating to Church plans to buy up ley lines. 
  2. The Space Research Institute says strange lights in the sky over Catford Sidings are fireflies which have gained access to a trampoline. 
  3. In a radical solution to the third runway controversy, Harumph airport is to be closed entirely to make way for a railway station. 
  4. Researchers at the Tobbit Spanworth Institute say there may never be a cure for cyclism but its effects can be mitigated by stealing saddles. 
  5. People who wear cats as hats have been asked to stay away from the Ponsea Regatta after last year's fur ball fiasco. 
  6. For structural reasons, the 951 foot Catford Sidings 'tower of custard' will have to be built from shoe boxes the planning office says. 
  7. The citizens of Dagenham Ditches have voted 55% to 42% in favour of suet over ladders. The German government has refused to comment. 
  8. The chemical similarity between jam and plastic may have contributed to the great traffic cone factory fire of 1974, new research shows. 
  9. Consultancy firm BB Gunn Misfire Eyebrow Loss has banned use of the phrase "primordial soup" for fear of offending soup lovers. 

Photo by Isi Parente on Unsplash

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Top ten answers to everything

Teens in Wackfactor Natwack have used a 3D printer to print a printer. The printer they have printed will be used to print more printers.Some zebras are sporting horizontal stripes this season claiming they are slimming. This has sparked road-safety fears.Pillar boxes in Catford Sidings are to be painted yellow and bent slightly as part of the celebrations for British Banana Week.Parts of Wales are under several feet of rock tonight after being declared "hilly". Ancient geological activity is being blamed.More than 82.4% of zigs are followed by a zag, research by the Institute of Things has revealed. No-one knows why.Plans to make cheese rolling safer by replacing the cheese with howitzers have been branded as lunacy by Gloucester police.Airlines are to improve the flavour of tea at altitude by adding sponge fingers. This will also make the tea safer during turbulence. Photo by Dan Cook on Unsplash