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Ten stories to change the way you think

 Ten vital up-to-the-minute news stories that will change the way you think: 

  1. The fly-past of geese over Pewford Ponds today, celebrating 150 years of nonsense, only managed two elements of the attempted N formation. 
  2. New documents published under the 50 year rule reveal that we were nearly invaded by aliens called the Emoticons in the 1950s. 
  3. This year's Catford Sidings marathon will only be 122m long because of roadworks on Grabb Street. Record times are expected. 
  4. A man who jumped from a helicopter using a bowl of custard rather than a parachute is recovering in hospital. The bowl was slightly chipped. 
  5. Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has announced a massive push for growth. He is currently 6'1 but expects to be 9'3 by Christmas.  
  6. Lost: one tin of Spam. Answers to the name Lucky. If you find him please call 0131 334 9171 and ask for Cam L Hump. 
  7. Catford Sidings natural history museum regrets to announce that a wild cat strike means there will be no wild cats on display this weekend. 
  8. Catford Sidings Library is to employ a consultant after piping the sound of laughter around its shelves saw a dramatic fall in book loans. 
  9. Seventeen per cent of £20 notes in circulation are actually French toast, the Fraud Squad has revealed. It is not clear why no-one has noticed before.
  10. The telephone gardening service is in chaos after a group of horses ordered four million acres of grass to be delivered to a one acre field.   

Photo by Josh Riemer on Unsplash

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News roundup may be fake ministers claim

A roundup of today's fake news may itself be fake, the government has claimed. Judge for yourself:

Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants.

Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill.

Hackers who hacked into the files of a hacksaw factory and found nothing of value say they’re ‘hacked off’

Violence broke out in the midlands town of Broogminger earlier after the local bus company rebranded itself ‘EasySock'

Levels of man-made stupidity will rise almost 63m by 2040, according to the Institute of Things, leaving many people living on flagpoles they’ve carefully balanced on two other flagpoles.

Religious punctuationists are calling for semicolons to be set alight and floated down a river of tildes to celebrate the year of ellipses.

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Fish incident leads to suspension

Nonsense News's Barfity Fargstring has been suspended after allegations she hit Eunice Pewness with a halibut.

The alleged incident allegedly occured just after then end of the alleged lunchtime news. Ms Fargstring had been spotted entering the Nonsense Newscasting building with a fish-shaped bag but denies that it actually contained a fish.

Ms Pewness was briefly stunned into silence following the event but was broadcasting again in time for the early evening news despite a few fish scales being apparent on the side of her head.