Ten stories to change the way you think

Ten vital up-to-the-minute news stories that will change the way you think:

The fly-past of geese over Pewford Ponds today, celebrating 150 years of nonsense, only managed two elements of the attempted N formation.
New documents published under the 50 year rule reveal that we were nearly invaded by aliens called the Emoticons in the 1950s.
This year's Catford Sidings marathon will only be 122m long because of roadworks on Grabb Street. Record times are expected.
A man who jumped from a helicopter using a bowl of custard rather than a parachute is recovering in hospital. The bowl was slightly chipped.
Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has announced a massive push for growth. He is currently 6'1 but expects to be 9'3 by Christmas.
Lost: one tin of Spam. Answers to the name Lucky. If you find him please call 0131 334 9171 and ask for Cam L Hump.
Catford Sidings natural history museum regrets to announce that a wild cat strike means there will be no wild cats on display this weekend.
Catford Sidings Library is to employ a consultant after piping the sound of laughter around its shelves saw a dramatic fall in book loans.
Seventeen per cent of £20 notes in circulation are actually French toast, the Fraud Squad has revealed. It is not clear why no-one has noticed before.
The telephone gardening service is in chaos after a group of horses ordered four million acres of grass to be delivered to a one acre field.

Resorts send snow to skiers

Ski resorts have begun delivering snow by helicopter direct to skiers' homes in a move designed to protect the mountains from the environmental impacts of winter sports enthusiasts. Although it is a massive undertaking, say Sled Piler of the Alpine Resorts Institute, it works our more environmentally friendly to take the snow to each skier rather than flying all the skiers and their equipment to the mountains. Former British downhill champion Barg Matipsonfire commented: It's great to have your own individual snow but my garden is completely flat and it appears to be too warm to keep the skiing surface in tip top condition. Photo by Maarten Duineveld on Unsplash

News roundup may be fake ministers claim

A roundup of today's fake news may itself be fake, the government has claimed. Judge for yourself: Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants. Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill. Hackers who hacked into the files of a hacksaw factory and found nothing of value say they’re ‘hacked off’ Violence broke out in the midlands town of Broogminger earlier after the local bus company rebranded itself ‘EasySock' Levels of man-made stupidity will rise almost 63m by 2040, according to the Institute of Things, leaving many people living on flagpoles they’ve carefully balanced on two other flagpoles. Religious punctuationists are calling for semicolons to be set alight and floated down a river of tildes to celebrate the year of ellipses. An anti-stupidity vaccine, developed at the University of Quack Theories, has accidently been tip...

5 ways to cope

In difficult times, it is important to have tricks and tips to cope. Here are our top 5. All the jelly in the world is unsufficient to cover over the enormous amount of sponge cake mankind has created, activists claim. Beards have been banned from running British museums over fears they look too much like they belong on Russian tsars. Moustaches are unaffected by the ruling. A judicial review into children is to begin tomorrow. 'Some of them are taking decisions,' said an anti-child activist, 'and that just cannot be right.' Smart motorways are to be renamed 'crash waiting to happen' under a new Department of Transport truth in signage initiative. Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants. Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill. Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

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