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Ten stories to change the way you think

 Ten vital up-to-the-minute news stories that will change the way you think: 

  1. The fly-past of geese over Pewford Ponds today, celebrating 150 years of nonsense, only managed two elements of the attempted N formation. 
  2. New documents published under the 50 year rule reveal that we were nearly invaded by aliens called the Emoticons in the 1950s. 
  3. This year's Catford Sidings marathon will only be 122m long because of roadworks on Grabb Street. Record times are expected. 
  4. A man who jumped from a helicopter using a bowl of custard rather than a parachute is recovering in hospital. The bowl was slightly chipped. 
  5. Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has announced a massive push for growth. He is currently 6'1 but expects to be 9'3 by Christmas.  
  6. Lost: one tin of Spam. Answers to the name Lucky. If you find him please call 0131 334 9171 and ask for Cam L Hump. 
  7. Catford Sidings natural history museum regrets to announce that a wild cat strike means there will be no wild cats on display this weekend. 
  8. Catford Sidings Library is to employ a consultant after piping the sound of laughter around its shelves saw a dramatic fall in book loans. 
  9. Seventeen per cent of £20 notes in circulation are actually French toast, the Fraud Squad has revealed. It is not clear why no-one has noticed before.
  10. The telephone gardening service is in chaos after a group of horses ordered four million acres of grass to be delivered to a one acre field.   

Photo by Josh Riemer on Unsplash

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