Ten stories to change the way you think

Ten vital up-to-the-minute news stories that will change the way you think:

The fly-past of geese over Pewford Ponds today, celebrating 150 years of nonsense, only managed two elements of the attempted N formation.
New documents published under the 50 year rule reveal that we were nearly invaded by aliens called the Emoticons in the 1950s.
This year's Catford Sidings marathon will only be 122m long because of roadworks on Grabb Street. Record times are expected.
A man who jumped from a helicopter using a bowl of custard rather than a parachute is recovering in hospital. The bowl was slightly chipped.
Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has announced a massive push for growth. He is currently 6'1 but expects to be 9'3 by Christmas.
Lost: one tin of Spam. Answers to the name Lucky. If you find him please call 0131 334 9171 and ask for Cam L Hump.
Catford Sidings natural history museum regrets to announce that a wild cat strike means there will be no wild cats on display this weekend.
Catford Sidings Library is to employ a consultant after piping the sound of laughter around its shelves saw a dramatic fall in book loans.
Seventeen per cent of £20 notes in circulation are actually French toast, the Fraud Squad has revealed. It is not clear why no-one has noticed before.
The telephone gardening service is in chaos after a group of horses ordered four million acres of grass to be delivered to a one acre field.

Duck for president bid fails

A last minute third-candidate bid for US President from Daffy Duck failed when it emerged he was born in Kenya. Ridicule is the burden of genius, Mr Duck commented. Can you imagine anything so ridiculous as majority rule? Meanwhile, Americans are left with a choice between the lesser of two evils. Polls have the voters balanced neck-and-neck between a president who is useless and a a president who is bonkers. American democracy is a beautiful thing, said one passer-by we latched on to in Washington DC. It just shows that anyone can become president who can raise a billion dollars in campaign funds. A spokesperson for the American Institute of Total Warfare which represents the arms industry said We haven't really made up our minds yet. We've been impressed by how much money President Obama has spent in warfare but we're wondering what we can achieve if we put a real looney in charge. Photo by Kris Mikael Krister on Unsplash

Resorts send snow to skiers

Ski resorts have begun delivering snow by helicopter direct to skiers' homes in a move designed to protect the mountains from the environmental impacts of winter sports enthusiasts. Although it is a massive undertaking, say Sled Piler of the Alpine Resorts Institute, it works our more environmentally friendly to take the snow to each skier rather than flying all the skiers and their equipment to the mountains. Former British downhill champion Barg Matipsonfire commented: It's great to have your own individual snow but my garden is completely flat and it appears to be too warm to keep the skiing surface in tip top condition. Photo by Maarten Duineveld on Unsplash

Aesthetic jam threat

The European Union wants to redesignate certain British jam as paint after it was found to contain mostly colouring and paint. The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint. People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co. The Aesthetic Jam Co admits jam made mostly from paint is likely to taste a little painty. Photo by KAL VISUALS on Unsplash

New International Journal of Nonsense