Everything you need to know to have a successful and fulfilling life, in twelve handy, bite-sized chunks.
- George Osborne is expected to deny possessing over 78 tonnes of unpasturised cheese.
- The Olympic stadium, which was finished well ahead of schedule, has accidentally been taken down and put back in its bags two months early.
- The Institute of Things course *Ethics for Senior Journalists* has had to be cancelled because of heavy sarcasm.
- Scientists at the Institute of Things announce the discovery of a new particle. It was under a bench and they have called it *dust*. The particle *dust* is not the same as dust, scientists say: that would just be silly.
- Choux pastry experts say it will be extinct by 2015. There are simply not enough choux trees left to breed successfully.
- For security reasons, lion taming has been banned in London for the period of the Olympics. The synchronised lion taming is obviously exempt.
- Gorillas have been given the vote in Miffuania. They have voted for unlimited free banana loaf cake for gorillas.
- Bottled water companies admit they have to chase frogs out of 9% of production because of crazy EU rules that say factories must have frogs.
- Fewer than 1% of people who enter Wimbledon win it (this is true for the tennis tournament and the town itself).
- The film Ghostbusters is to be remade using cheese and pineapple chunks instead of actors. The budget for the film is $49.
- The League of Traditional Pirates is urging its members to adopt a more proactive customer service policy following a number of complaints.
- A plan to rename Thug Street as Lovely Avenue was defeated at Catford Sidings Council last night. A compromise Thugly Road was also rejected.
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