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12 ways to improve your life

Everything you need to know to have a successful and fulfilling life, in twelve handy, bite-sized chunks.
  1. George Osborne is expected to deny possessing over 78 tonnes of unpasturised cheese. 
  2. The Olympic stadium, which was finished well ahead of schedule, has accidentally been taken down and put back in its bags two months early.  
  3. The Institute of Things course *Ethics for Senior Journalists* has had to be cancelled because of heavy sarcasm.  
  4. Scientists at the Institute of Things announce the discovery of a new particle. It was under a bench and they have called it *dust*. The particle *dust* is not the same as dust, scientists say: that would just be silly. 
  5. Choux pastry experts say it will be extinct by 2015. There are simply not enough choux trees left to breed successfully.  
  6. For security reasons, lion taming has been banned in London for the period of the Olympics. The synchronised lion taming is obviously exempt. 
  7. Gorillas have been given the vote in Miffuania. They have voted for unlimited free banana loaf cake for gorillas. 
  8. Bottled water companies admit they have to chase frogs out of 9% of production because of crazy EU rules that say factories must have frogs. 
  9. Fewer than 1% of people who enter Wimbledon win it (this is true for the tennis tournament and the town itself).  
  10. The film Ghostbusters is to be remade using cheese and pineapple chunks instead of actors. The budget for the film is $49. 
  11. The League of Traditional Pirates is urging its members to adopt a more proactive customer service policy following a number of complaints.  
  12. A plan to rename Thug Street as Lovely Avenue was defeated at Catford Sidings Council last night. A compromise Thugly Road was also rejected.

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The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint. 

People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co.

The Aesthetic Jam Co admits jam made mostly from paint is likely to taste a little painty.

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100% can't understand this quiz - can you?

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Top ten answers to everything

Teens in Wackfactor Natwack have used a 3D printer to print a printer. The printer they have printed will be used to print more printers.Some zebras are sporting horizontal stripes this season claiming they are slimming. This has sparked road-safety fears.Pillar boxes in Catford Sidings are to be painted yellow and bent slightly as part of the celebrations for British Banana Week.Parts of Wales are under several feet of rock tonight after being declared "hilly". Ancient geological activity is being blamed.More than 82.4% of zigs are followed by a zag, research by the Institute of Things has revealed. No-one knows why.Plans to make cheese rolling safer by replacing the cheese with howitzers have been branded as lunacy by Gloucester police.Airlines are to improve the flavour of tea at altitude by adding sponge fingers. This will also make the tea safer during turbulence. Photo by Dan Cook on Unsplash