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12 ways to improve your life

Everything you need to know to have a successful and fulfilling life, in twelve handy, bite-sized chunks.
  1. George Osborne is expected to deny possessing over 78 tonnes of unpasturised cheese. 
  2. The Olympic stadium, which was finished well ahead of schedule, has accidentally been taken down and put back in its bags two months early.  
  3. The Institute of Things course *Ethics for Senior Journalists* has had to be cancelled because of heavy sarcasm.  
  4. Scientists at the Institute of Things announce the discovery of a new particle. It was under a bench and they have called it *dust*. The particle *dust* is not the same as dust, scientists say: that would just be silly. 
  5. Choux pastry experts say it will be extinct by 2015. There are simply not enough choux trees left to breed successfully.  
  6. For security reasons, lion taming has been banned in London for the period of the Olympics. The synchronised lion taming is obviously exempt. 
  7. Gorillas have been given the vote in Miffuania. They have voted for unlimited free banana loaf cake for gorillas. 
  8. Bottled water companies admit they have to chase frogs out of 9% of production because of crazy EU rules that say factories must have frogs. 
  9. Fewer than 1% of people who enter Wimbledon win it (this is true for the tennis tournament and the town itself).  
  10. The film Ghostbusters is to be remade using cheese and pineapple chunks instead of actors. The budget for the film is $49. 
  11. The League of Traditional Pirates is urging its members to adopt a more proactive customer service policy following a number of complaints.  
  12. A plan to rename Thug Street as Lovely Avenue was defeated at Catford Sidings Council last night. A compromise Thugly Road was also rejected.

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Seven ways to improve you lips

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Replace them with wedges of Edam.  Exercise by regular gurning. Apply a daily dose of creosote for freshness. Rub them down with goose fat twice yearly.  Eat only rubberised canoes.  Smack yourself in the face with a frying pan once a week.  Stick mange toutes in your ears. 
*Note: applying all seven of these tips may, in some instances, lead to baldness or infertility.

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