Skip to main content


8 better ways to spend your weekend


 Our computerised leisure-time guide system has churned out eight things to inspire you to spend your weekend in a more imaginative way. They are: 
  1. Of all the trombones ever made, 18% were created accidentally by flute manufacturers who sneezed violently at a critical moment. 
  2. Hubert Gerumphilly has been disqualified from the world Scrabble championships after 48 Zs were found in his ears.  
  3. An Institute of Things study into procrastination has been delayed. No reason was given. 
  4. High street retailer Mrex & Spinster says a sharp fall in profits may be linked to its failed anything-for-a-pound furniture department idea. 
  5. Genetic research into fish fingers may one day help scientists to eliminate red herrings, top experts claimed today.  
  6. The government has initiated emergency plans to prevent the spread of Leslie Ash. Experts fear it may be too late. 
  7. Catford Sidings' Council is meeting tonight to decide whether to allow Trugg Street to be repaved with cucumbers for Christmas.  
  8. Protestors claim the Pewford Ponds Pedestrian Catapult will harm wildlife in the area, particularly if the aim is not correctly adjusted. 

Popular posts from this blog

100% can't understand this quiz - can you?

Can you tackle our fiendish quiz and come out a winner? So far, 100% of people have failed. Are you smarter than everyone?
In algorithm news: fake news is now 17% more believable than real news thanks to "gullibility analysis", the Institute of Things has revealed.Protesters screaming 'there is no such thing as objective truth' have been rounded up and hurled into a grease recycling facility. A comedian who took his old bottles to a joke bank has been told he is "too meta”.A bug in the NonsensoWatch(TM) has allowed time to become jammed, its makers admit, so that some days seem to go on forever.An inflation error means Boris Johnson is now up to 4281 PSI. Experts fear for his life if he sits on a drawing pin.The latest UK borrowing figures show we're up to 4,289,512 lawnmowers and counting. The Prime Minister says we all have to give them back.



Photo by JESHOOTS.COM on Unsplash

News roundup may be fake ministers claim

A roundup of today's fake news may itself be fake, the government has claimed. Judge for yourself:

Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants.

Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill.

Hackers who hacked into the files of a hacksaw factory and found nothing of value say they’re ‘hacked off’

Violence broke out in the midlands town of Broogminger earlier after the local bus company rebranded itself ‘EasySock'

Levels of man-made stupidity will rise almost 63m by 2040, according to the Institute of Things, leaving many people living on flagpoles they’ve carefully balanced on two other flagpoles.

Religious punctuationists are calling for semicolons to be set alight and floated down a river of tildes to celebrate the year of ellipses.

An anti-stupidity vaccine, developed at the University of Quack Theories, has accidently been tipped i…

Seven ways to improve you lips

In an age where lips are gaining increasing importance, beauty editor Eunice Indatcoat reports on seven ways you can improve yours*.

Replace them with wedges of Edam.  Exercise by regular gurning. Apply a daily dose of creosote for freshness. Rub them down with goose fat twice yearly.  Eat only rubberised canoes.  Smack yourself in the face with a frying pan once a week.  Stick mange toutes in your ears. 
*Note: applying all seven of these tips may, in some instances, lead to baldness or infertility.



Photo by ian dooley on Unsplash