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7 heart-warming stories that will make you want to become a dirigible



Japanese donkeys predict the end of the earth as we are already up to Generation Z and there are no letters left for future generations.

Scientists analysing data from the planet Spanner say it is incapable of sustaining human life but it would be ideal for servicing scooters.

Face-tracking technology means sales of the NonsensophoneY are expected to be brisk among people anxious to keep track of their face.

Scientists at the University of Quack Theories have edited human DNA and come up with a bloke called DAN.

An extremely loud bassoon has been found responsible for unexpected speed bumps outside Flumford Philharmonic Orchestra's practice hall.

Thurg School in Prong has sent kids home for wearing nonsense instead of trousers 'We care more about uniforms than education,' the head said.

Villagers on the island of Lesbos have denied causing hurricanes although they have been spotted gathering and blowing in the same direction.

Photo by Ahmad Dakhel on Unsplash

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Aesthetic jam threat

The European Union wants to redesignate certain British jam as paint after it was found to contain mostly colouring and paint.

The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint. 

People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co.

The Aesthetic Jam Co admits jam made mostly from paint is likely to taste a little painty.


Photo by KAL VISUALS on Unsplash

Top ten answers to everything

Teens in Wackfactor Natwack have used a 3D printer to print a printer. The printer they have printed will be used to print more printers.Some zebras are sporting horizontal stripes this season claiming they are slimming. This has sparked road-safety fears.Pillar boxes in Catford Sidings are to be painted yellow and bent slightly as part of the celebrations for British Banana Week.Parts of Wales are under several feet of rock tonight after being declared "hilly". Ancient geological activity is being blamed.More than 82.4% of zigs are followed by a zag, research by the Institute of Things has revealed. No-one knows why.Plans to make cheese rolling safer by replacing the cheese with howitzers have been branded as lunacy by Gloucester police.Airlines are to improve the flavour of tea at altitude by adding sponge fingers. This will also make the tea safer during turbulence. Photo by Dan Cook on Unsplash

Seven ways to improve you lips

In an age where lips are gaining increasing importance, beauty editor Eunice Indatcoat reports on seven ways you can improve yours*.

Replace them with wedges of Edam.  Exercise by regular gurning. Apply a daily dose of creosote for freshness. Rub them down with goose fat twice yearly.  Eat only rubberised canoes.  Smack yourself in the face with a frying pan once a week.  Stick mange toutes in your ears. 
*Note: applying all seven of these tips may, in some instances, lead to baldness or infertility.



Photo by ian dooley on Unsplash