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- In algorithm news: fake news is now 17% more believable than real news thanks to "gullibility analysis", the Institute of Things has revealed.
- Protesters screaming 'there is no such thing as objective truth' have been rounded up and hurled into a grease recycling facility.
- A comedian who took his old bottles to a joke bank has been told he is "too meta”.
- A bug in the NonsensoWatch(TM) has allowed time to become jammed, its makers admit, so that some days seem to go on forever.
- An inflation error means Boris Johnson is now up to 4281 PSI. Experts fear for his life if he sits on a drawing pin.
- The latest UK borrowing figures show we're up to 4,289,512 lawnmowers and counting. The Prime Minister says we all have to give them back.