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5 ways to cope


In difficult times, it is important to have tricks and tips to cope. Here are our top 5.
  1. All the jelly in the world is unsufficient to cover over the enormous amount of sponge cake mankind has created, activists claim.
  2. Beards have been banned from running British museums over fears they look too much like they belong on Russian tsars. Moustaches are unaffected by the ruling.
  3. A judicial review into children is to begin tomorrow. 'Some of them are taking decisions,' said an anti-child activist, 'and that just cannot be right.'
  4. Smart motorways are to be renamed 'crash waiting to happen' under a new Department of Transport truth in signage initiative.
  5. Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants. 
  6. Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill.



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The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint. 

People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co.

The Aesthetic Jam Co admits jam made mostly from paint is likely to taste a little painty.


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Top ten answers to everything

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Seven ways to improve you lips

In an age where lips are gaining increasing importance, beauty editor Eunice Indatcoat reports on seven ways you can improve yours*.

Replace them with wedges of Edam.  Exercise by regular gurning. Apply a daily dose of creosote for freshness. Rub them down with goose fat twice yearly.  Eat only rubberised canoes.  Smack yourself in the face with a frying pan once a week.  Stick mange toutes in your ears. 
*Note: applying all seven of these tips may, in some instances, lead to baldness or infertility.



Photo by ian dooley on Unsplash