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5 ways to cope


In difficult times, it is important to have tricks and tips to cope. Here are our top 5.
  1. All the jelly in the world is unsufficient to cover over the enormous amount of sponge cake mankind has created, activists claim.
  2. Beards have been banned from running British museums over fears they look too much like they belong on Russian tsars. Moustaches are unaffected by the ruling.
  3. A judicial review into children is to begin tomorrow. 'Some of them are taking decisions,' said an anti-child activist, 'and that just cannot be right.'
  4. Smart motorways are to be renamed 'crash waiting to happen' under a new Department of Transport truth in signage initiative.
  5. Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants. 
  6. Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill.



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Top ten answers to everything

Teens in Wackfactor Natwack have used a 3D printer to print a printer. The printer they have printed will be used to print more printers.Some zebras are sporting horizontal stripes this season claiming they are slimming. This has sparked road-safety fears.Pillar boxes in Catford Sidings are to be painted yellow and bent slightly as part of the celebrations for British Banana Week.Parts of Wales are under several feet of rock tonight after being declared "hilly". Ancient geological activity is being blamed.More than 82.4% of zigs are followed by a zag, research by the Institute of Things has revealed. No-one knows why.Plans to make cheese rolling safer by replacing the cheese with howitzers have been branded as lunacy by Gloucester police.Airlines are to improve the flavour of tea at altitude by adding sponge fingers. This will also make the tea safer during turbulence. Photo by Dan Cook on Unsplash