In difficult times, it is important to have tricks and tips to cope. Here are our top 5.
- All the jelly in the world is unsufficient to cover over the enormous amount of sponge cake mankind has created, activists claim.
- Beards have been banned from running British museums over fears they look too much like they belong on Russian tsars. Moustaches are unaffected by the ruling.
- A judicial review into children is to begin tomorrow. 'Some of them are taking decisions,' said an anti-child activist, 'and that just cannot be right.'
- Smart motorways are to be renamed 'crash waiting to happen' under a new Department of Transport truth in signage initiative.
- Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants.
- Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill.