8 better ways to spend your weekend

Our computerised leisure-time guide system has churned out eight things to inspire you to spend your weekend in a more imaginative way. They are: 
  1. Of all the trombones ever made, 18% were created accidentally by flute manufacturers who sneezed violently at a critical moment. 
  2. Hubert Gerumphilly has been disqualified from the world Scrabble championships after 48 Zs were found in his ears.  
  3. An Institute of Things study into procrastination has been delayed. No reason was given. 
  4. High street retailer Mrex & Spinster says a sharp fall in profits may be linked to its failed anything-for-a-pound furniture department idea. 
  5. Genetic research into fish fingers may one day help scientists to eliminate red herrings, top experts claimed today.  
  6. The government has initiated emergency plans to prevent the spread of Leslie Ash. Experts fear it may be too late. 
  7. Catford Sidings' Council is meeting tonight to decide whether to allow Trugg Street to be repaved with cucumbers for Christmas.  
  8. Protestors claim the Pewford Ponds Pedestrian Catapult will harm wildlife in the area, particularly if the aim is not correctly adjusted.
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