Can you tackle our fiendish quiz and come out a winner? So far, 100% of people have failed. Are you smarter than everyone? In algorithm news: fake news is now 17% more believable than real news thanks to "gullibility analysis", the Institute of Things has revealed.Protesters screaming 'there is no such thing as objective truth' have been rounded up and hurled into a grease recycling facility. A comedian who took his old bottles to a joke bank has been told he is "too meta”.A bug in the NonsensoWatch(TM) has allowed time to become jammed, its makers admit, so that some days seem to go on forever.An inflation error means Boris Johnson is now up to 4281 PSI. Experts fear for his life if he sits on a drawing pin.The latest UK borrowing figures show we're up to 4,289,512 lawnmowers and counting. The Prime Minister says we all have to give them back.
In an age where lips are gaining increasing importance, beauty editor Eunice Indatcoat reports on seven ways you can improve yours*.
Replace them with wedges of Edam. Exercise by regular gurning. Apply a daily dose of creosote for freshness. Rub them down with goose fat twice yearly. Eat only rubberised canoes. Smack yourself in the face with a frying pan once a week. Stick mange toutes in your ears.
*Note: applying all seven of these tips may, in some instances, lead to baldness or infertility.