Chickens rule roost in shoes

A new breed of super-intelligent, genetically modified chickens is taking over the footwear industry, experts say.

The shoeshoppo chicken is a biproduct of genetic experimentation in the 1990s and some of those which escaped set up their own shoe shops.

Now it appears that a number of high-profile mergers in the footwear industry were actually made by dummy companies, fronts for shoeshoppo chickens.

Major high street names like Dolcis and Clarks are now owned and run by chickens.

It is deeply worrying, said Sid Cloggs of the British Footwear Industries Association, that chickens can take over an entire industry like this. I am very concerned that the chickens may extract all the value they can and then leave the British footwear industry in tatters. They have no interest in maintaining the formerly high standards of our industry. They don't even wear shoes themselves.

Photo by William Moreland on Unsplash

Resorts send snow to skiers

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News roundup may be fake ministers claim

A roundup of today's fake news may itself be fake, the government has claimed. Judge for yourself: Kilmarnock in Scotland is to be renamed Markilnock, it has been announced. It was time for a change, said Mayor Jock Weaslepants. Stationery traffic in Catford Sidings is up to 12 long reams after a mad origamist escaped from the paper mill. Hackers who hacked into the files of a hacksaw factory and found nothing of value say they’re ‘hacked off’ Violence broke out in the midlands town of Broogminger earlier after the local bus company rebranded itself ‘EasySock' Levels of man-made stupidity will rise almost 63m by 2040, according to the Institute of Things, leaving many people living on flagpoles they’ve carefully balanced on two other flagpoles. Religious punctuationists are calling for semicolons to be set alight and floated down a river of tildes to celebrate the year of ellipses. An anti-stupidity vaccine, developed at the University of Quack Theories, has accidently been tip...

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