75 life-changing ways to change your life

Seventy five live-changing opportunities have been assembled just for you by the team at the International Journal of Nonsense:

Scientists working frantically at the Institute of Things in Groosumville, Arizona have discovered a link between jam and toast. It's butter.
The Bank of Nonsense has accidentally put all its money in the washing machine and says many of the notes are ruined. An inquiry is expected.
Scientists looking into why sometimes things go wrong say that often someone is to blame. Usually it is a different person each time.
Maps for a number of sat navs erroneously have routes to Apollo Street, Pewford Ponds going round the moon twice. This makes some journey times incorrect.
Mercedes Benz have genetically modified a giant bee so that it will carry five people in comfort. It is to be the new B-class.
Up to 20% of fish are cheating on their partners according to new research by http://divorce-a-fish.com. 14% of these are haddock.
An earlier report advertising an evening with The Jim Douche Bagpipe Band should, of course, have referred to The Jim Douchebag Pipe Band.
The Church of the Discarded Sporran is trying to block a Hollywood movie based on the life of its founder, Tufty the Safety Squirrel.
The internet is to get new addressing based on the Dewey decimal system. Websites will now be stored on wooden shelves.
The National Trust has imported Polar bears into Somerset and painted them with a black stripe in a move designed to annoy badgers.

The other 65 are on page 74...

Photo by Ivana Cajina on Unsplash

Duck for president bid fails

A last minute third-candidate bid for US President from Daffy Duck failed when it emerged he was born in Kenya. Ridicule is the burden of genius, Mr Duck commented. Can you imagine anything so ridiculous as majority rule? Meanwhile, Americans are left with a choice between the lesser of two evils. Polls have the voters balanced neck-and-neck between a president who is useless and a a president who is bonkers. American democracy is a beautiful thing, said one passer-by we latched on to in Washington DC. It just shows that anyone can become president who can raise a billion dollars in campaign funds. A spokesperson for the American Institute of Total Warfare which represents the arms industry said We haven't really made up our minds yet. We've been impressed by how much money President Obama has spent in warfare but we're wondering what we can achieve if we put a real looney in charge. Photo by Kris Mikael Krister on Unsplash

Resorts send snow to skiers

Ski resorts have begun delivering snow by helicopter direct to skiers' homes in a move designed to protect the mountains from the environmental impacts of winter sports enthusiasts. Although it is a massive undertaking, say Sled Piler of the Alpine Resorts Institute, it works our more environmentally friendly to take the snow to each skier rather than flying all the skiers and their equipment to the mountains. Former British downhill champion Barg Matipsonfire commented: It's great to have your own individual snow but my garden is completely flat and it appears to be too warm to keep the skiing surface in tip top condition. Photo by Maarten Duineveld on Unsplash

Aesthetic jam threat

The European Union wants to redesignate certain British jam as paint after it was found to contain mostly colouring and paint. The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint. People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co. The Aesthetic Jam Co admits jam made mostly from paint is likely to taste a little painty. Photo by KAL VISUALS on Unsplash

New International Journal of Nonsense