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Top 7 ways to reintroduce extinct species

Our top 7 ways to reintroduce extinct species is an environmental infographic sponsored by our partners Sidings Sludge for all your decimated wetland needs.  

  1. A small bear has become unaccountably stuck in a tree used for storage by Sidings Honey Ltd. The fire brigade have been called.  
  2. Almost 42% of tigers use *grrroar* as the password on their voicemails, 15% use *bouncy* and 5% use "frosties".
  3. Matvian impresario Vladamir Tukmahedov is to produce a seven-hour musical based on the British weather for the the Farapma Opera House. One critic commented: I expect it will be drizzle. 
  4. Researchers have discovered a Mayan tablet which says everything will end on 21 Dec 2012 is actually a South Erst Trains press release. 
  5. A new fish and chip shop only for those who went to school at Eton will be called Know your plaice. A new fish and chip shop for those who received a comprehensive education will be called Cod do batter.
  6. A top supermarket has apologised over its green energy hamster-wheel project when it emerged some of the hamsters were using mopeds.
  7. This year's International Cheese Jamboree (the 15th) will see a ton of brie fired 4 miles into the air. Planning permission has been sought. 

Photo by Gary Bendig on Unsplash

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Seven ways to improve you lips

In an age where lips are gaining increasing importance, beauty editor Eunice Indatcoat reports on seven ways you can improve yours*.

Replace them with wedges of Edam.  Exercise by regular gurning. Apply a daily dose of creosote for freshness. Rub them down with goose fat twice yearly.  Eat only rubberised canoes.  Smack yourself in the face with a frying pan once a week.  Stick mange toutes in your ears. 
*Note: applying all seven of these tips may, in some instances, lead to baldness or infertility.

Photo by ian dooley on Unsplash