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What you missed



Ten important news stories you may have missed. Our round-up of all the information that is vital to know: 

  1. World leaders meeting in Doha have agreed that, in future, there will be a climate. Whether that climate will be habitable is yet to be agree.  
  2. Detectives in Denmark have discovered their crime clear-up rate is entirely unrelated to patterns on their jumpers.
  3. A man in Bumbling Fatstumble has bought 14 plate glass windows. He misunderstood the term 'window shopping'.  
  4. By 494 to 6, the International Athletics Board has rejected proposals to rename marathons as Snickers. 
  5. The US is to ban children and teachers from schools. That way the only people in there will be crazed gunmen, simplifying law enforcement.  
  6. Owing to inclement weather, the English Channel is flooded all the way across, P&O Ferries has announced. 
  7. 2013 has been cancelled, South Erst Trains has announced. Customers wishing to travel should seek an alternative year. 1492 was good.  
  8. Stationery supplies are running low at South Erst Trains after a team of surrealists was asked to guest edit the timetables. 
  9. David Bowie has admitted he has known whether or not there is life on Mars since 1972 but he still refuses to say.  
  10. The Bishop of Quaint has come out angrily against same socks marriage. 'It goes against the laws of stretch fabric,' he says. 

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Aesthetic jam threat

The European Union wants to redesignate certain British jam as paint after it was found to contain mostly colouring and paint.

The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint. 

People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co.

The Aesthetic Jam Co admits jam made mostly from paint is likely to taste a little painty.


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Top ten answers to everything

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Seven ways to improve you lips

In an age where lips are gaining increasing importance, beauty editor Eunice Indatcoat reports on seven ways you can improve yours*.

Replace them with wedges of Edam.  Exercise by regular gurning. Apply a daily dose of creosote for freshness. Rub them down with goose fat twice yearly.  Eat only rubberised canoes.  Smack yourself in the face with a frying pan once a week.  Stick mange toutes in your ears. 
*Note: applying all seven of these tips may, in some instances, lead to baldness or infertility.



Photo by ian dooley on Unsplash