- A building site in Wales has banned builders. 'They kept falling off the scaffolding and hurting themselves,' said manager Farley Barnett.
- The Ministry of Defence says that Dave's World of Reggae Badgers is interfering with its radar systems. It's thought the badgers are jamming.
- After over eighty years of fending off annoying customer phone calls, the Royal Mint is acquiescing and from Tuesday will sell mints.
- Members of the Catford Sidings Fat Club are to ask the government to legalise trifle, unaware that trifle has been legal since 1471.
- People who have booked a holiday to Spanner have been told it is a mechanic's tool and not an exotic country.
- After its five-year deep-ocean mission, the Institute of Things has revealed the bottom of the Atlantic is mostly made of sand.
- Britain's total borrowing includes 14 billion lawnmowers, 5 billion hedge trimmers, 9 million ladders and two cheese graters.
A last minute third-candidate bid for US President from Daffy Duck failed when it emerged he was born in Kenya. Ridicule is the burden of genius, Mr Duck commented. Can you imagine anything so ridiculous as majority rule? Meanwhile, Americans are left with a choice between the lesser of two evils. Polls have the voters balanced neck-and-neck between a president who is useless and a a president who is bonkers. American democracy is a beautiful thing, said one passer-by we latched on to in Washington DC. It just shows that anyone can become president who can raise a billion dollars in campaign funds. A spokesperson for the American Institute of Total Warfare which represents the arms industry said We haven't really made up our minds yet. We've been impressed by how much money President Obama has spent in warfare but we're wondering what we can achieve if we put a real looney in charge. Photo by Kris Mikael Krister on Unsplash