- A building site in Wales has banned builders. 'They kept falling off the scaffolding and hurting themselves,' said manager Farley Barnett.
- The Ministry of Defence says that Dave's World of Reggae Badgers is interfering with its radar systems. It's thought the badgers are jamming.
- After over eighty years of fending off annoying customer phone calls, the Royal Mint is acquiescing and from Tuesday will sell mints.
- Members of the Catford Sidings Fat Club are to ask the government to legalise trifle, unaware that trifle has been legal since 1471.
- People who have booked a holiday to Spanner have been told it is a mechanic's tool and not an exotic country.
- After its five-year deep-ocean mission, the Institute of Things has revealed the bottom of the Atlantic is mostly made of sand.
- Britain's total borrowing includes 14 billion lawnmowers, 5 billion hedge trimmers, 9 million ladders and two cheese graters.
The European Union wants to redesignate certain British jam as paint after it was found to contain mostly colouring and paint. The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint. People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co. The Aesthetic Jam Co admits jam made mostly from paint is likely to taste a little painty. Photo by KAL VISUALS on Unsplash