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Top 5 ways to survive the Trump administration



 
Climate deniers have rejected claims that some ovens are almost 200C hotter than they were this time yesterday.

A company that made experimental trains entirely of paper has folded. MD Bargma Furmpting blamed inclement sidings in the Pewford Ponds area.

Newspapers are firmly rejecting the idea that readers could return unacceptable news saying they don't have the recycling facilities. No wait. That can't be right...

Wideleigh Harlank is expected to take a comfortable win against Miffuanian challenger Vlat Splat in this weekend's blancmange hurling.

Atlantic/Pacific transport havoc was caused this week when a new un-untie-able knot was tested on string strung across the Panama Canal.

Due to a specification error, South Erst Trains new platforms are 10 carriages high but only 4cm  long. Passengers are advised to try lying down on top of one another.

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Aesthetic jam threat

The European Union wants to redesignate certain British jam as paint after it was found to contain mostly colouring and paint.

The Aesthetic Jam Co says the only way to get jam to tone perfectly with people's kitchen colour schemes is to add quantities of paint. 

People who demand beige jam to match their kitchen have to expect a little variation in the recipe, said Jim Spread of the Aesthetic Jam Co.

The Aesthetic Jam Co admits jam made mostly from paint is likely to taste a little painty.


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Top ten answers to everything

Teens in Wackfactor Natwack have used a 3D printer to print a printer. The printer they have printed will be used to print more printers.Some zebras are sporting horizontal stripes this season claiming they are slimming. This has sparked road-safety fears.Pillar boxes in Catford Sidings are to be painted yellow and bent slightly as part of the celebrations for British Banana Week.Parts of Wales are under several feet of rock tonight after being declared "hilly". Ancient geological activity is being blamed.More than 82.4% of zigs are followed by a zag, research by the Institute of Things has revealed. No-one knows why.Plans to make cheese rolling safer by replacing the cheese with howitzers have been branded as lunacy by Gloucester police.Airlines are to improve the flavour of tea at altitude by adding sponge fingers. This will also make the tea safer during turbulence. Photo by Dan Cook on Unsplash

Seven ways to improve you lips

In an age where lips are gaining increasing importance, beauty editor Eunice Indatcoat reports on seven ways you can improve yours*.

Replace them with wedges of Edam.  Exercise by regular gurning. Apply a daily dose of creosote for freshness. Rub them down with goose fat twice yearly.  Eat only rubberised canoes.  Smack yourself in the face with a frying pan once a week.  Stick mange toutes in your ears. 
*Note: applying all seven of these tips may, in some instances, lead to baldness or infertility.



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